Page 27

Chapter 26

Burning the night oil

Maddie

W ounds should be concealed. That’s what I was raised to believe.

All my bruises, cuts, stitches, and welts are shameful and grotesque. No one wants to see them. Not the physical nor the emotional scars. I don’t even want to see them, so why would I force innocent bystanders to view my disfigurement? Ultimately, all facets of my suffering are mine to bear.

And mine alone.

When I was with Travis, my flesh was often marred with the tangible proof of the abuse. If I made the mistake of showing my battered face in public, people would stare and talk about me behind my back. There was never enough makeup to hide what he did to me.

As truth tends to do, my damage would always shine through.

Hiding the abuse also stopped the police from asking too many questions. That never ended well for me. Ask any battered woman about the price they’d have to pay when the cops came after a neighbor made an ill-advised phone call. Hearts in the right place or not, the abuser isn’t the one who suffers.

There are other benefits to hiding, though. Internal ones.

Concealment enables me to present myself to the world as the person I wish I was. A woman comfortable in her skin. Someone who feels worthy of love that doesn’t come in the form of fists.

The truth is... I’ve spent most of my life putting on a show.

Probably could have been a gifted actress if I’d chosen a different path. In many ways, I’m still pretending to be something I’m not. Maybe I always will be.

The damage on the inside is far worse than what my flesh ever revealed. Until Alan, I thought I had done a decent job of hiding that too.

For so many reasons, hiding was always for the best.

Always.

At some point, I stopped trying to hide my physical scars.

So what if my jawline has a jagged bit of raised skin from a broken bottle? So what if my eyes look uneven because of a formerly shattered eye socket? I learned to draw my eyeliner to balance it out. Occasionally, I still do. It’s habit.

But the urge to do it isn’t there anymore.

I’m done hiding what happened to me.

Mostly.

My emotional wounds are a different story. Fortunately, the more I embrace Alan’s love, the more I’m able to deal with them. Being so close to two of my children and the rest of the Redleg family every day adds to my desire to be the real Madeline.

Nonetheless... I wish with all my might I could hide this most recent injury. The pain from the gunshot wound was bad enough. What remains on the surface is worse.

I hate it.

Not because of vanity. And not out of shame or fear that the cops will be called.

I long to conceal my still-healing wound because of how it affects everyone around me. The way it’s upended my life and the lives of all the people I love. And for how it has tainted Alan’s every waking moment since the night I was shot.

The pain reflected in his eyes each time he sees it nearly breaks me. Wearing sleeveless tops is out of the question for a long while. And if he accidentally grazes it while holding me? Forget it. The regret and anguish that settles onto his shoulders in those moments is palpable. It’s so profound that it weighs me down too.

Aside from his reactions to my injury, deeper issues are at play.

The overprotectiveness, for one thing. From him. From Leo. Hell, even Sawyer hovers more than usual.

And vengeance consumes them. They’ve taken it upon themselves to rid the world of this filth. Not only to avenge me but Lettie too. Thankfully, most of the men who hurt her are dead or in jail. Yet the need for revenge against the rest of the Lenkov Bratva hasn’t subsided. If anything, it’s gotten worse.

By declaring war on the mafia, my loved ones have exposed themselves to grave danger. While I consciously know it’s not my fault, the guilt persists. And I don’t know how to rid myself of it.

As if all of that isn’t enough to make me wish this wound away, there’s my captivity.

I feel like an animal at the zoo. There’s life beyond my cage, but it’s not something I’m allowed to experience. So I make the most of what’s available to me inside my area of confinement.

As I ruminate on this, maybe it’s not a desire to hide the wound from everyone that’s plaguing me. Instead, it’s a fervent wish that it never happened to begin with. Life, as I knew it, is gone.

I officially lost my job today.

I’ve lost track of how long it’s been since I’ve been at my home.

And I’m relegated to sleeping on a pull-out sofa with Alan in his office, which is where I am now. Staring at the ceiling and battling my resentment.

Alan’s wearisome sigh distracts me from my melancholy.

I roll from my back to my side to offer him my comforting touch. “What now?”

“Can I take this call from bed? I don’t want to get up. And I’m not getting dressed and going down there either.”

I smooth my palm over his pecs, relishing the feel of his chest hair. I love twirling my fingers through it. Same with his beard. “I didn’t hear your phone ring.”

“Text messages.”

“Who is working at this hour?”

“Tomer.”

“That boy.” I tsk and roll my eyes. “Go ahead. Call him. And you might as well put it on speaker because I’m curious about what’s so urgent in the middle of the night.”

Alan lengthens his neck to offer me a kiss. “Thanks, babe. I’ll try to make it quick.”

A flirty thought hits me out of the blue, making my brows waggle. “Why? Is there something you want to do once you’re done with the call?”

Perhaps some spicy time will improve my sour mood over our house arrest. Well, headquarters arrest, I suppose I should say. And it’ll certainly perk up Alan. Wink, wink.

Air hisses through his teeth with a sharp inhale, layered with a rumble in the back of his throat. “Is that an offer?”

Rather than answer, I roll to my back, toss off the covers, and slip my panties down my legs.

“Shit. The call can wait.”

Through a subdued laugh, I scold him. “No, it can’t. If he needs you, he’ll come up here when you don’t answer. I’m not in the mood to frantically search for my clothes while he knocks repeatedly on the door.”

“Even Tomer knows better than to...” His words trail off, and he clenches his jaw. “You’re right. He might not know better. I’ll call him first. Don’t start without me.”

“I’ll consider your request. No promises. It’s been a while, and I’m feeling frisky.”

A gruff sound emanates from deep in his chest. He skims his hand down the front of my body, over my breasts and stomach. Once he gets to the apex of my thighs, he cups my entire pussy. “This is mine, and I’ll take good care of it when I’m done. Save it for me. I want all your pleasure.”

Gulp.

“You make a compelling argument.”

Hovering over me, he claims my lips in a scorching kiss that holds promises of what’s to come. While pulsing his tongue against mine in a delicious rhythm, he teases my clit with his first two fingers.

My hips tilt instinctively, increasing the friction. “Alan,” I rasp against his lips, unsure what I’m trying to say.

All I know is I want him.

“ Madeline ,” he rumbles, sending chills over my body.

His fingers maintain their tantalizing cadence over my sensitive pearl as he lowers his mouth to my breast. He suckles my nipple through my nightgown, dampening the fabric and dragging a moan from me.

All too soon, he withdraws his hand from between my legs and his mouth from my breast.

He swipes across his phone screen, taps a few times, and puts it to his ear.

The urge to stroke him while he makes the call is tempting me, but I quash it. Considering how things have been lately at Redleg, I’d imagine the topic deserves his full concentration.

Instead, I remind him of my request. “Speaker, please.”

Over the sound of the ring tone, he asks, “You really want to hear this?”

“Yes. I’m genuinely curious.”

He taps the screen again, setting the phone on his chest face up. “Fine.”

Alan starts talking as soon as the call connects.

“What is it, T?”

“You weren’t sleeping, were you?”

“Hard to sleep with someone lighting up my phone like a fucking Christmas tree. Why are you awake?”

“Something dawned on me, and I couldn’t sleep until I ran it to the ground.”

“And telling me about it couldn’t wait until morning?”

Tomer stammers preciously. “Oh. Well. I guess it could have. Sorry. Should I hang up?”

I cup my mouth with both hands to stifle my chuckle. Oh, I adore him. That darling boy is as clueless as can be.

“You already have my attention, son. What’s your revelation?”

Aww . I love it when he calls him that.

“The numbers on the second page of the message from the architect. They’re coordinates, followed by a date and time. It’s either a meet-up request or something big.”

A meeting? With who? The architect? Someone else?

Without question, I know Alan will want to go. And it terrifies me.

Alan shoots into a sitting position, grabbing the phone from his chest in the process. “When? Where?”

“Miami. But not until January.”

Nothing like getting things on the calendar well in advance. That’s more than four months away.

Alan vocalizes my internal musing. “Why so far out? What the fuck does he expect us to do until then?”

“Boss, I think this is the big one. When the architect will reveal everything. Expose whatever he’s got on Lenkov. And it ties into Huxley Bowen and whatever they’re trafficking via those cargo ship routes.”

“What’s the exact location in Miami?”

“It’s the port, Boss. The actual fucking port.”

“Which one? Everglades or Miami?”

“Port of Miami.”

Alan reclines slowly, sinking into the pillow. “That’s the bigger one, and it’s shared with cruise ships. Whatever’s gonna happen will be even more complicated by tons of people and so many berths. That’s fan-fucking-tastic.”

Tomer continues without responding to Alan’s gripe. “The architect was careful to conceal it. His warning not to share the list with anyone else makes even more sense. If it fell into the wrong hands, our chance to do... whatever he needs us to do would be severely compromised.”

“How the hell are we gonna find out what to do in Miami if he refuses to speak plainly with us? I feel like we’re being jerked around.”

“I’ll find out what ships are scheduled to come in at that time,” Tomer offers. “Not sure how much I can trust the schedule this far in advance, but there’s got to be a reason he picked that time and place. I should be able to find out in ten to twenty minutes.”

“Go to sleep, T. Enough for today.”

He huffs. “Fine. But one last thing. My intel team needs a meeting with you in the morning. Bring in Leo, Shep, Sawyer, and anyone else you can spare. We’ve finished cross-referencing the list of seventy-two and analyzed Salgado’s feedback on them. We need to get surveillance on some of these fuckers. I need bodies for that.”

“Yeah. That’s fine. In the morning, I’ll ask Lettie to help me round everyone up.”

“I’d be happy to do that for you, Boss Dad,” Lettie’s sweet voice trills from the phone.

Alan’s smile shines luminously in the reflected light of his cell screen.

Sounding chagrined, Tomer admits, “Sorry, Big Al. Working from the bunk room.”

“That’s fine,” Alan replies with a restrained chuckle.

Since our subpar phone privacy skills have been exposed, I butt in with my own surprise greeting. “Hi, kids.”

Lettie giggles, then says, “Hey there, Miss Maddie. Looks like we’re both guilty of being nosy nellies, huh?”

In jest, I toss back, “Or our men are guilty of never knowing when it’s time to stop working.”

Lettie’s quick to agree. “Amen to that.”

“That’s enough,” Alan announces. “It’s late. Get some sleep, you two. That’s an order.”

“Ain’t it cute how he thinks he’s the boss of me, babe?” Lettie teases in a quieter volume before coming through louder as she addresses Alan. “Listen here, Boss Daddy-O, I’m off the clock now. I’ll stay up all night if I wanna.”

Since they know I’m listening in, I don’t bother to hide my chortle.

Alan feigns annoyance. “Young lady, were you disrespectful like this to your grandparents when you were young?”

“No, siree.”

Still grinning, Alan says, “Good.”

Lettie tacks on, “I was far worse. Papa once called me the sassmaster three-thousand.”

“I’m terminating the call,” Tomer interjects. “See you in the morning, Boss. Night, Madeline.”

I lean closer to the phone. “Good night, kids.”

Once Alan hangs up, he sets the phone aside and snuggles close to me. I let him finagle us into a spooning position and soak up the feel of him pressed against me. He’s warm and safe. The perfect person watching over me.

“Alan?”

He nuzzles into my hair. “Yes, my love?”

“You should see the way you smile when you interact with them lately. Your entire aura brightens. I’m so proud of you.”

He hums against my neck, adding a kiss at my pulse point. “Still a long way to go. I’m not sure what the future holds, but she’s a sweet girl.”

“Likely one of the sweetest souls I’ve ever met.” I stiffen, my breath catching. “Don’t tell Sue I said that.”

His chest rattles against my back with his sultry laugh. “What’s my silence worth to you?”

I arch my spine, pressing my bare ass against him. “What would you like it to be worth?”

He glides one of his big hands around my waist. “If you want me to keep your little secret, I’m gonna need to feel your pussy squeezing the life out of my cock.”

I jokingly put the back of my hand to my forehead, tilting my head. “Oh no. Anything but that.”

“Let me see if your body’s on board with this plan and ready to pay up.” He moves the hand on my waist, diving between my thighs to tease my clit. “Are you wet, or do you need me to get you there?”

At this age, it’s a valid question.

“I’m not going to ask if you have lube in your office, but for the love of all things holy, please tell me you don’t.”

“I don’t.”

His touch and rich laugh seem to be removing the need for additional lubrication. From the warmth of his chest pressed against me from behind to the delicious sounds that come from his sexy mouth. Everything about this man arouses me.

The few times my advancing age has made it uncomfortable to take him inside my body, he was dedicated to remedying it. Unlike every man who has ever come before him, Alan’s always ready to go the extra mile.

Something about being sans panties in his office has me wound up. Even if it’s our temporary bedroom, it feels illicit.

Prior to tonight, we haven’t fooled around here. It’s felt odd to me. And with all the long days, he usually just crashes when he hits the lumpy mattress. Often times, I’m asleep before he comes to bed anyhow. More than once, I’ve drifted off to the sound of him clicking his mouse and clacking on the keyboard at his desk.

However, ever since we shared our hearts more openly the other day, I’ve been craving a deeper physical connection to complement the emotional one.

Spooned up behind me, he toys with my clit, flicking and rubbing it in a decadent swirling motion. I find myself grinding into his touch. Each time my hips roll, he drives his erection against my ass.

While kissing me behind my ear, he murmurs, “How fast do you think I can make you come like this?”

“What’s the rush? I thought it was about the journey and not the destination.”

“The rush is that I am dying to get inside of you. It’s been far too long, Maddie.” His lips hover over the side of my face, and he draws my earlobe into his mouth with gentle suction. “I’m aching for you.”

Chills skate over me.

“Is that right?” I rasp, adding a swirl of my hips to lengthen the friction between my ass and his cock. “Maybe I can help with that.”

His thick fingers drift lower and plunge into my slick channel. “You’re getting wetter faster than usual, baby. I think you missed this.”

Rather than answering with my words, I spin around and reach into his boxers, getting a handful of his firm length.

Lying face to face on our sides, I offer him my lips while I work him harder in my grip. The way his breathing speeds up sends my heart racing.

He pulls me close, guiding my head to the side with a feather-light hold on my neck. Our kiss starts off tender and sweet but soon turns ravenous. He nibbles at my lower lip while his hand returns to my core. With our tongues dueling and swirling, we tumble rapidly into our lustful desires.

I sling one leg over his hip, giving him better access to my pussy, and the leisurely pulse of my hips spurs him on.

My grip on his cock stays firm. “Take off those boxers, Alan. Then we can have a little race, given you’re in a hurry.”

He removes his hand from between my thighs only long enough to lose his boxer briefs. Then his fingers are back there, thrusting inside of me at a tantalizing pace. “How are we racing, Maddie?”

“How about I stroke your cock while you fuck me with your fingers? And whoever comes first wins.”

“ Mmm . I love it when you talk dirty.”

“Oh I know. I can tell by how hard you fuck me when I let some of these naughty words slip free.”

“Something about my sweet, proper woman talking like that drives me wild.”

“Your cock is getting harder,” I tell him, running my lips over his in an almost kiss.

“So the race. I’m in. What are the stakes?”

Constantly smiling at him makes my cheeks ache. “It’s always a negotiation with you, isn’t it?”

He kisses away my snarky grin. “I like winning.”

“Fine. What do you want to bet?”

He tugs in a rush of oxygen when I rub my thumb over the slit on the head of his cock. “Keep doing that, and I’ll win.”

“Oh, that’s right. I probably can control how fast you come, can’t I?”

“Mm-hmm,” he moans. “And I can speed it up or slow it down for you.”

To prove his point, he cricks his finger to tap at my G-spot. My head falls back, exposing my throat to him.

He draws his tongue along the curve of my neck. “The game should be the first one to climax loses. Winner gets to choose the position for round two.”

“Round two tonight, huh? Did you take something to help you? Not that I’m judging or complaining.”

“Not needed. I want you too much. Once will barely take the edge off.”

“Anything else up for grabs other than position choice?” I grit out, my breath coming choppy from his delicious assault on my most erogenous zone.

“One sexual favor at a later time in the location selected by the winner. Consent still matters, of course. So within reason.”

“Deal.”

I kiss him and increase the speed of my strokes, twisting my grip with smooth flicks of my wrist. He steadies his hips so he’s no longer thrusting into my fist.

Stubbornly, I halt my bucking too. “Are you trying to hold back?”

“I’m determined to win.”

A keen escapes me as he taps faster at my sweet spot. “Me too. And I’m extremely confident in my ability to resist longer.”

“Your sexy breaths and how slick you’re getting beg to differ.”

I rub my thumb against the underside of the head of his cock and tighten my hold on him. For a few seconds, I don’t stroke, simply squeezing and pulsing around him while toying with his frenulum. It does the trick, enticing him to plunge his cock through the center of my grip. Once, twice, three times.

“ Fuck , Maddie,” he growls against my neck, his warm breath electrifying my skin.

It’s nearly impossible to hold still with how expertly he works me into a frenzy. He’s giving it his all and then some. Just like I am.

Hell-bent on claiming victory, I resort to more dirty talk to spike his lust for me. “Speaking of fucking Maddie... imagine sinking your thick cock deep inside my silky pussy. You’ll feel me clench my walls around you with each thrust. And when I come, I’ll drag every bit of your release from you. Won’t that feel good, Alan?”

He grunts and groans as he pistons his hips even faster. “What position are you picking when I lose?”

The freaking erotic sounds he makes as he approaches his climax are rapidly launching me toward mine. He’s all grunts, moans, gasps, and snarls.

Dammit all to hell.

My eyes roll back when a coil of pleasure begins to release, fluttery tingles skating through me. I can’t stop it. And he must know it because his pressure on my clit intensifies, propelling me the rest of the way over the edge of bliss.

I keen in ecstasy, thrashing into his touch and slamming my thighs together to hold his hand in place as I ride it out.

He talks me through it, heightening my euphoria as only he can. “There it is. Give it to me, Maddie baby.”

When my hips grow still, I force out my faux irritation through choppy breaths. “Alan. You. Cheater.”

His laugh fills the air, rich like velvet. “I didn’t cheat. It isn’t my fault I know your body so well.”

I start stroking him again now that my awareness has returned. “You sure do. That was amazing.”

He peels my fingers back one by one, removing my hand from his rigid cock. “I’m gonna finish inside you. Give you every drop. Right fucking now.”

Double gulp.

“Yes, please.”

Rather than moving us into a new position, his impatience has him pulling my top leg over his hip. He positions the tip of his cock at my entrance, then grabs my lower back to pull me all the way down his length in one smooth motion. There’s a controlled frenzy to his movements. It’s as if he’s trying to show restraint but rapidly losing the battle.

We grind in small circles, moving faster and faster. With his arm wrapped around me, he keeps me close and uses the swell of my hips as leverage to thrust into me.

Unable to keep my mouth off him, I pull his lips to mine. Usually, I’m the louder one, but he’s beginning to sound like a beast.

And I love every second of it.

I break the kiss, cup his cheeks, and hold his face close to mine. The connection between us is somehow stronger than it’s ever been. I want to watch him come apart, exploding inside me.

And when he finally succumbs to his climax, the view is better than I could have imagined. Is it possible I’ve never seen him orgasm before? Perhaps my eyes are usually closed, or it’s too dark. Such a waste.

He’s magnificent. The sheer bliss pouring from his eyes as he struggles to keep them open, ultimately losing the fight. The wrinkle of his forehead and furrowed brow. And the way he clamps his lip between his teeth.

I’ve never seen anything sexier than Alan Lancaster awash in carnal rapture.

We lie together in sated contentment for a long time, greedily drinking up the other’s touch. He lovingly skims his hand along my spine, and I curl myself around his chest. Thoughts swirl through my mind, getting louder and more insistent as the seconds tick by.

If he can love my body this much, maybe I can start to love it too.

Scars and all.

“Alan, can I ask you something?”

“Always.”

“Have you forgiven me for my past?”

He stiffens and pulls me tighter against him. “I don’t know what you?—”

I offer a better explanation. “I mean everything in my past. Staying with Travis after he hurt me. Letting him hurt my children. Not running away with you the first chance I got. Not telling you I love you sooner. Keeping us a secret for so long. Not moving in with you. Not accepting your proposal.” My voice quavers. “All of it. Is that forgivable?”

He doesn’t answer right away. My stomach fills with dread.

Suddenly, his hand resumes caressing me, and my apprehension gradually lessens.

“Maddie, I’d like to say I hold nothing against you. And for most of what you just said, it would be true. I know so much of your past wasn’t your fault. You’ve told me about your childhood and how Travis treated you. Some women never escape that type of cycle. I’m proud of you for finally breaking free. And I love how much you try to atone for the past regarding your children and grandchildren. You’re a loving presence in their lives. It’s something you should be proud of.”

My throat grows thick, and my sinuses sting with looming tears. I physically can’t speak, and I don’t know what to say anyhow. So I remain silent, clinging to him like a lifeline.

After a weighty sigh, he continues. “There’s only one thing I’m struggling with in terms of forgiveness.”

I want to ask what it is. At the same time, I don’t know if I’m ready to hear it.

Since I brought it up and made him journey down this dark path, it’s only fair that I face my mistakes.

Forcing steadiness into my tone, I ask, “What is it?”

“The night of the medal ceremony. When your ex showed up, and I threw him out.” His chest trembles with a shaky breath. “How could you leave with him? You knew who he was. You were already broken up. You were waiting for him to sign the damn divorce papers. And you weren’t alone. Two of your three kids were there, begging you not to leave with him. And I was there too. Right in front of you. Offering you protection. Offering you love.”

He pauses, shaking his head and releasing a troubled sigh. “I never understood how or why you could do that. And then you stayed with him for years. I was waiting for you the entire time. I don’t get it. Why, Maddie?”

I knew this day would come. Knew he’d confront me for this eventually.

He deserves the answer.

However, if I tell him, it’ll hurt him. The only question is... which pain is worse? The known or unknown?

I suppose it’s time to find out. Not telling him has been hurting him for years. The only way through the pain is honesty.

I hope.

Closing my eyes, I offer up the truth. “This might be hard to hear, and I’m sorry for that.”

“Don’t spare my feelings. I want honesty.”

After I lift my head off his chest, I sit up and tuck the sheet around me. “I didn’t invite him to the ceremony and hated that he showed up. Some of my old instincts took over when I saw him. It’s hard not to cower from the person you’ve been subservient to for decades. Prior to that evening, I had decided I was done with Travis. Permanently. And to this day, I believe I was. If he’d just come and left without complications, I wouldn’t have taken him back. I’m certain of it.”

I press my eyes shut and shake my head, struggling to find the courage to tell him what he wants to know. “Aside from losing Sammy, taking him back was the darkest time of my life. I knew it would be, and I made the choice anyway.”

“If you knew that, why did you do it?”

“I didn’t want to, but I had no choice,” I choke out, my tears spilling over.

He joins me in a seated position, shifting to align our faces. He’s probably gonna do the brain probe. And I’ll let him because I have nothing to hide now.

I run my fingertips through his soft beard, my hand lingering on his cheek. “I agreed to take him back and stop the divorce so he wouldn’t have you arrested for assault.”

His breath catches, and his jaw drops. “What?”

“You would have been court-martialed or dishonorably discharged. The idea of another person I love suffering because of him was too much to bear.”

He shakes his head in slow arcs that grow more desperate. His face is awash with grief that matches my own. “Maddie, no, no, no. That wasn’t?—”

“Shh. It’s okay.” I put my finger over his lips to quiet him. “I refused to allow you to be punished for defending me. I took him back one last time, hoping I’d survive it.”

“Aw, baby,” he rasps, his voice thick with too many emotions for me to decipher.

“And the day I learned you retired from the Army, I left him. The very same day. And I never looked back.”