Page 22 of Bossy Hero (Redleg Security #8)

Chapter 21

Fate is a jackass

Maddie

H ere’s a free life lesson. Never challenge Fate with errant thoughts or innocuous comments. Things like:

Today will be fine.

The worst is behind us .

What else could possibly go wrong?

Every damn time a thought like that crosses my mind, Fate says hold my beer .

For the last three days, I’ve gently encouraged Alan to tell me what he meant when he said he’d lost someone he loved due to his selfish interests. He resisted.

Adamantly.

This morning, my subdued cajoling gradually turned into badgering. I’d say nagging , but that would imply he needs to do this for me.

He doesn’t. This is entirely for him.

Unfortunately, his stubbornness knows no bounds, which is probably how he managed to wait for me for so many years.

Today, I woke up bound and determined to help him free himself of this burden. After all, he forced me to face some of my darkest fears. It’s my turn to do the same for him. Especially since his past seems to be harming him in the present.

The more I pushed, the more he dug in his heels.

This morning, I stress-baked enough ziti to feed a small army. After we dropped it off in the break room, the tension between us was as high as it was when he stormed away from me a few days ago. I had to get away from him. And I did.

He found me in Sue’s office and coaxed me out by agreeing to be open about his past. He promised we’d discuss it tonight. Finally, he was ready to tell me everything. It was such a victory.

Not only for him, but for me as well. Because I didn’t hide from confrontation.

We kissed, and then I joked that he’d already conquered the disaster for the day.

Ha . Foolish past me.

Fate kicked in the door a few hours later and laughed in our faces.

His team went head-to-head with danger tonight. To obtain vital intel from an unknown source, they carried out an op that resulted in Tomer taking the life of the son of the mafia leader, Viktor Lenkov. He was the first man to sexually assault Lettie during her time with those monsters.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, there was more.

According to my daughter, Lettie witnessed it all from the lair and got it in her head that Alan was planning to let the man who tormented her go free. Enraged, she blew up at Alan during the op. It ended up a moot point when Tomer’s bullet ended Viktor’s life. But for a time, she believed Alan was siding with her attacker.

If she knew her father at all, she’d never have thought he was capable of such a thing. That’s just one of the many reasons I was so insistent he get to know her. Wish he’d listened to me sooner.

He raced from HQ to the scene to run interference with the cops and hopefully prevent Tomer from being arrested. Somehow, Lettie ended up in the car with Alan. Must have been a tense ride. Had a few of them with him myself recently.

They’re still not back.

For all I know, it turned into an emotional shitstorm with her and Tomer. I hope he’s trying to repair things with them.

Whether he does or not, I’ll be here for him when he returns.

Creeping closer to the lobby door, I lean my head to the side to peek into the parking lot. He texted about twenty minutes ago, informing me he was on the way back to headquarters with the team.

I’ve been pacing ever since.

At least I’m in good company. Sue and Sammy are doing the same.

“Look at us. Hey, look at us,” Sammy says in an artificially deepened voice, gesturing between the three of us. “Look at us. Who would have thought, huh? Not me.”

Sue chuckles into her cupped hand, and Sammy joins in a second later.

“What’s so funny?” I ask Sue since I’m more likely to get a straight answer from her.

“Your daughter is being influenced by her fiancé. She’s doing impressions now. We’re all doomed.”

I glance at Sammy, one of my brows arched in a wordless inquiry.

She explains. “It’s Paul Rudd from an internet thing he did a few years ago. Don’t worry about it.”

“Ah. I see.” I shrug, resisting the urge to pull out my phone to search for it. “How does it pertain to us, though?”

“Never thought the three of us would be standing around together waiting for our men to return. Sue and me? Sure. But never expected you, Mom.”

She extends her arm, bringing me in for a side hug. “Jokes aside, I like having you with us. There’s strength and safety in numbers. Especially when it’s people you love surrounding you.” She reaches out for Sue, who reluctantly accepts the embrace. “Bad shit is so much easier to get through when I’m not on my own. It’s like when I was a kid, and you would tell us to?—”

She cuts herself off, scrunching her face and closing her eyes.

“Sammy, what is it?” My widened eyes fall to her belly. It’s too soon for her to have labor pains. “Are you okay, darling?”

Sue shrugs out of Sammy’s hold and does a full-body shimmy as if she’s ridding herself of the hug or whatever’s happening with my daughter. “Oh no. Not yet.”

Sammy wobbles her head from side to side, then blinks three times before finally looking back at me. “I’m fine, and the babies are too. It was just a shitty and rather vivid memory.” Her chin quivers, and her eyes grow misty.

I cup her cheek gingerly, tilting her face toward mine. “Want to talk about it? A trouble shared is a trouble halved.”

“It’s fine. I don’t need to discuss it.” She swoops her gaze to the parking lot. “Where are they?”

I spare the lot a quick glance. It’s still as empty as it was before, so I focus on my daughter. “Samantha, talk to me. What did you remember? It was like when I told you to do what?”

“Okay, fine. Sue already knows about most of our past, so no sense in hiding this.” Sammy worries her lip for a beat before whispering, “The idea of how we’re stronger together now while nervously waiting for our guys reminded me of when I was a kid. You told Leo, Drew, and me to stay together.” She releases a shaky exhale. “When you told us to go hide from Dad. You said we’d be safer if we hid together.”

Her confession makes my knees wobble and breath catch. “I said that?”

“ Yes. ” There’s almost a no-duh tone to her instant reply.

I don’t speak while I process her words, having no memory of telling my children to hide.

“Leo mentioned that to me once before,” Sue offers tentatively. “I told him something that I’ll tell you now.”

“What?” Sammy asks her.

“It’s like my folks used to say. Ar scáth a chéile a mhaireann na daoine .”

“Thanks, Sue. That’s very encouraging,” Sammy deadpans, her typical snark returning.

Sue takes the ribbing in stride. “If you’d have let me finish, I’d have explained. Now I’m not so sure you deserve to hear my parents’ Irish wisdom.”

Sammy juts her lower lip out at her sister-in-law, flashing doe eyes. “I’m so proud of you for this fake bitchy attitude, Susie Q. We’ve still got work to do, but I’m seeing improvement in your capacity for sass.”

Sue’s face brightens. “Oh, that gives me an idea for my word game with Leo. Capacity for sass. Sasspacity .”

I watch the exchange, barely able to follow it through the swelling of emotions.

Eventually, Sue explains the Irish lesson. “The saying more or less means that in the shelter of others, we will persevere. ”

“ Aw . Sorry for teasing you. That’s beautiful.”

Silence settles around us while I dig through thoughts of the past.

As I hold my daughter, I find no memory of me telling my kids to hide from their father. I always thought I never did a thing to protect them from his abuse. While telling them to hide or stay together isn’t enough, it is... something.

So why can’t I remember doing it?

Finally, I blurt out in a rush, “Samantha, I don’t remember telling you and your brothers to hide together. Are you sure I did?”

She glances at Sue, then back at me, compassion coloring her expression. “You did it almost every time. I’m certain of it. How could you forget that?”

“I don’t know,” I choke out, tears pooling in my eyes.

If I don’t recall doing that, what else have I hidden from myself?

“I’ll just head over there for a minute while you two talk,” Sue whispers from the corner of her mouth, side-stepping away from us.

Extricating from Sammy’s embrace, I bring myself squarely in front of her. While I don’t believe she’d joke or mislead me about something like this, I have to be sure. And I need to see her full face for that.

“Samantha, I have no recollection of ever doing anything to protect you from your father. And it’s plagued me for years. If you’re saying I did this—and I want to believe you—I can’t help but wonder if I did other things. I want to know what you remember from those days, but I’m also terrified to ask. And I don’t want you to have to relive it.”

She grabs both my hands, massaging her thumbs over my knuckles in small circles. “You’re serious, aren’t you? You really don’t remember?”

Tears crest and spill over, running down my cheeks and dampening my shirt.

My beautiful daughter releases my hands to run her palms soothingly up my arms. “Mom, you always tried to protect us.”

“I did?” I squeak, the question nearly freezing my vocal cords.

“Yes. You didn’t only tell us to hide, though. You did more to protect us.”

No . That can’t be right.

I shake my head, mashing my eyes shut and hiding behind my palms.

Because that’s what I do.

I hide.

Refusing to let me cower from this conversation, she gently tugs my hands away from my face. “Hold on. I have a hunch here. Can I ask you something?”

My chest shakes as I struggle to hold back the deluge of tears. I give her a lone nod, everything inside me rioting with regret, panic, and gut-wrenching sadness.

“Mom, do you remember how Leo would provoke Dad to get him away from the rest of us?”

Her question triggers a powerful memory that sends tendrils of ice over my skin.

Drew was struggling in school, and when report cards came home, Leo made damn sure Travis was distracted. At the dinner table, Travis asked to see the kids’ report cards. Leo intentionally spilled his drink all over his father’s lap, then mouthed off about it.

The backhand I took when trying to pull Travis off Leo knocked me unconscious.

Nodding, I swipe my tongue across my dry lips. “I hated when he would do that.”

My daughter’s brows draw in tight. “Then how can you possibly think you didn’t do anything to protect us?”

“I don’t understand. That was Leo. Not me.”

Her entire visage rumples with a quivering sadness. “ Oh, Mommy .” She sniffles back a sob, pulling me closer to her by my shoulders. “Who do you think he learned that from?”

Despite relaxing peacefully at Alan’s house now, I still don’t trust the calm. So I’m refusing to even so much as think we survived the day yet. If I do, Fate will likely barge through the wall like the Kool-Aid man.

Alan’s flat on his back in bed, and I’m draped over him on one side, using his chest as a pillow. His heartbeat pounds steadily against my cheek. My fingernails twirl through the hair on his lower chest and happy trail. He alternates between rubbing his hand along my spine and combing his fingers through my hair.

“What a fucking day,” he mutters in a low rumble.

“You can say that again.”

“What a fucking day.”

His deep chuckle makes my head jostle on his chest. I rest my chin on my fist and smile at him, keeping my bad arm slung over his stomach. “I’m surprised you can joke after the day you had.”

“It was a doozy, but I’ve got you here with me. All my kids are safe for now. Another monster is gone from this earth. Why should I be pissy?” He flicks his eyes to the ceiling, his expression and tone sobering. “And Lettie and I had a moment tonight.”

Oh goodi e. I’ve been dying to ask but held my tongue to spare him from reliving the fight with his daughter so soon.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Still keeping his gaze locked above him, he nods and begins. “Maddie, that sweet, docile girl was so damn livid. Toe to toe, she eyed me down with the ferocity of a lioness. In front of my team in the middle of the fucking lair. She didn’t give a damn who was watching. Her strength was...” He looks at me and grins. “It was annoying as fuck because of the timing. But afterward, I was so damn proud of her. At first, she was fighting for herself. And for the others who suffered in that house with her. For what she thought was right and just regarding Viktor—may he rest in Hell.”

His smile grows impossibly wider. With a voice like hand-spun silk, he says, “After that, she was fighting for Tomer.”

There it is.

I knew Alan’s love for that boy wasn’t gone forever.

To get a better view of his face, I sit up and angle myself toward him. “You’re finally ready to forgive him, aren’t you?”

Although he doesn’t answer right away, his face says so much. His eyes narrow and then widen. His nostrils flare with a sharp intake of air. Then his jaw goes lax. “A thought occurred to me tonight when I was driving with Lettie out to the scene. A memory from maybe a year ago.”

My mouth turns arid. Not sure I want to hear another triggered memory tonight.

Almost reluctantly, I prod. “A good memory?”

“An ironic one.” His tongue sneaks out to dab at the corner of his mouth. “I distinctively recall thinking to myself that if I could create someone for him, I’d do it in a heartbeat. Someone to love him the way he needed. The way he deserved.”

Silent laughter accompanies his beaming smile. It’s breathtaking to see him this way.

I return to his side, propping myself up on my elbow. “Turns out you’d already done it, huh?”

He drags his fingers through my hair again, such tenderness in his touch. “At the time, I was jokingly envisioning building someone in a lab for him. A freaking droid or something. Figured he’d like that better. But I was wrong. Lettie is way better than anything I could have designed.”

“She sure is.”

“Maddie, she looked me dead in the eye and said that as long as her heart was beating, he’d never have to face his struggles alone. Then she strong-armed her way to the scene with me, despite knowing the dead body of the man who assaulted her would be on the cold pavement a few feet away. Whether I liked it or not, she was gonna be there for Tomer as he dealt with the aftermath.” Alan closes his eyes, taking a moment to collect himself. “How can she be so strong after everything that’s happened to her?”

“Because you’re her father.”

“I wasn’t there for her.”

“Whether you raised her or not, she’s still yours. And I have faith that if you can fix things with her, she’ll give you a chance to make up for it. Same way she forgave Tomer. Not saying the situation is remotely the same; after all, you didn’t voluntarily miss her childhood. But I think she’ll open her heart to you if you try.”

Gradually, the lines of his face seem to release some of his guilt and anguish. “I’m trying, and it might be working. In the car, I had another realization. And I admitted it to her. It changed things between us.”

“What was it?” I ask overzealously, then quickly dial it back. “I mean, if you want to tell me.”

He scoops his hand around my nape and guides me back to his chest. I go eagerly, ready to soak up more of his touch.

“She called me on my shit. Same way you did. The little badass wasn’t letting me off the hook. And in the middle of that, I confessed I’ve been holding back because of my guilt.”

“Guilt?”

“Yeah. I felt guilty she was kidnapped because of me. Lenkov took her to fire back at Redleg. By keeping her at a distance, I didn’t have to face the torment that comes with accepting the blame for her suffering. Same with Tomer.”

I have so much to say to his confession, but first, I ask, “What did you feel guilty about with him?”

“If I had done a better job at being the father he needed, then he’d have known he could come to me sooner about her. That I wouldn’t shun him. That I’d still be here for him.”

“Alan, how can you think?—”

“Maddie, I met the man who raised him. I looked into his eyes. I knew Tomer had no idea what family was. He didn’t know forgiveness. Or love. I vowed I’d be there for him and teach him those things. And I thought I did. But over the years, I got complacent. I failed him, and so I’ve been a shithead to him ever since this blew up in our faces. All in the name of protecting myself from the truth.”

My heartache for him becomes so profound that I fear I may bleed through my chest.

Alan was hiding from his pain.

Just like I often do, this amazing, strong, protective, courageous man was hiding .

Unaware of the realization sinking into my bones, he continues. “She told me she doesn’t blame me for what happened to her. In fact, she made a hell of a compelling case.”

“She blames Lenkov, doesn’t she?”

“Yes.”

I grin against his chest, letting the topic pull me away from the heavy self-discovery. “She’s a smart girl. You can blame yourself all you want, but deep down, I think you know the men who hurt her are the only ones to blame. She didn’t ask for it. Neither did you.”

His chest swells with a deliberate inhale. He holds his breath for a long time before letting the air leach out in a drawn-out sigh. “Maddie, I’ll start to believe that about the abuse she suffered if you start believing it about the abuse you and your kids endured.”

Those words might as well have cracked my ribs from how forcefully they hammer into me.

For a long time, neither of us speaks. I barely move.

Once I recenter my emotions, I kiss him on the chest and whisper, “I also had a revelation tonight. Sammy told me something about how I was with Travis. I had no memory of it, Alan. None.”

His thumb skims up and down my back. “What was it, baby?”

“She said I often told them to run and hide from their father. And to always stay together.”

“Was Sammy upset about that?”

“No. She wasn’t. That’s not what’s bothering me.”

“Then what is? Simply that you didn’t remember doing it?”

“Partially. Because if I don’t remember that, what else might I have suppressed?”

“I’d imagine quite a bit,” he says without so much as a hint of judgment in his tone.

“She told me something else I did,” I admit, my voice trembling.

After squelching the rising shame, I tell him what she said about provoking Travis to spare the kids. And how Leo learned it from me. My tears are falling onto his chest by the time I’ve gotten it all out.

He holds me tighter, intrinsically knowing I need his comfort now more than ever. “You don’t remember doing any of that?”

“Yes and no. It isn’t that I don’t remember doing that, per se. Rather, it’s as if the way I view my actions differs from how she does. I didn’t see it as something I did to protect my children. Not in the moment, nor when looking back on those dark days. As much as it shames me to admit this, I don’t recall being protective in any way. Does that make sense?”

“You were following your mama bear instincts. You protected your cubs in the only way you could. The only way you knew.”

“Mama bear, huh?” A smile threatens to break through my overwhelming sorrow. “I wish.”

“Maddie, the grizzly bear has always been a part of you. I saw it in your eyes the first night we met.”

He sounds so serious. The poor thing believes his little delusions. Adorable.

When I don’t respond, he says, “You don’t believe me, do you?”

“I mean.” I attempt a shrug, but it’s impossible in this position. “Of all the things you could see in me, the spirit of a bear is one of the most far-fetched. I’m more like one of those goats that freezes when it’s startled. You know, the ones that flop onto the ground like a statue?”

His chest vibrates with echoes of a laugh. “You’re the farthest thing from one of those, Maddie. You’re a fucking grizzly.”

“A bear wouldn’t do what I did, Alan. A bear wouldn’t let their partner beat them and their children for that long. A bear would have fought back.”

“You just told me you did fight back. Your instincts had you drawing the fire to protect the kids. You taught them to hide and stay together for a reason. That’s what a mama bear would do. Gather up her cubs and hide them. Try to fight until she couldn’t anymore. Then she’d hide too.”

Voice quaking, I protest. “I hid, though. I remember hiding. I always hid from him.”

He nudges me. “Maddie, look at me.”

Reluctantly, I do as he asks, moving my head from his chest to the pillow beside him.

He rolls onto his side to face me. “What does a bear do when the environment is too unforgiving or they’re in danger? How does a bear survive?”

“Alan, I’m not a?—”

He leaves me no room to object. “They climb trees to escape danger and don’t come down until it’s safe. And when things are especially bad, they find a den and hide. They hibernate until the world is a safer place for them. That’s what you were doing, Maddie. You didn’t freeze like a fucking goat. You hid your kids and tried to fight him off. Then you hid. You were following your instincts.”

Through the crushing waves of memories and emotions evoked by his assessment, another vision rings a bell in the recesses of my mind.

Mama. Not a mama bear, but my own mother. Huddling Tilly and me together in the closet. Or in the corner of the garage under a tarp. Or in the shed. Back seat of the car on the floorboard under a blanket. A dozen other places.

Hide in here, girls. You’ll be safe if you stay together. Be quiet and still. Just hide until I come back for you.

It doesn’t take a master’s in psychology to know we’re inclined to follow the example our parents set for us. Long ago, I accepted that I’d chosen a man like Travis and fallen into a marriage of abuse because it was what I saw growing up and didn’t do enough to prevent history from repeating. As cycles are known to do, it continued with me. And then with Sammy, tragically.

However, the hiding . I always viewed it as a flaw of my character. A facet of my weakness. My own failure, not a learned behavior.

Not only that, but I taught my children to do the same.

I repressed these memories of my mother much like I did with the things Sammy revealed earlier tonight. Turns out, I was literally doing what I was taught to do. So much so that it was an instinct rather than a conscious thought.

It doesn’t make what I did okay. It’s not a justification or an absolution. But it’s something .

An explanation, perhaps.

And maybe a path to forgiveness. Sammy freed herself from the cycle. Drew did too. And Leo.

Eventually, I freed myself from Travis. Now, I need to figure out how to stop hiding from other things that scare me. Like a future with the man holding me against his chest, comforting me with his touch, and seeing me as someone worthy of love.