Page 12

Chapter 11

Everybody was kung-fu fighting

Big Al

T onight was a clusterfuck from the word go.

Scratch that. It was multiple other words. Two sentences. All of them spoken by her son.

I can’t tonight, Boss. Mom has a date, and I need to keep an eye on her.

Thankfully, it was just a phone call and not an in-person conversation. My eyes bulged out of my face like an irate cartoon character, and the veins at my temples throbbed.

Because... what the fuck?

Seriously . What. The. Actual. Fucking. Hell?

It took everything in me not to scream at him or throw the phone across the room.

Or both.

All these years, and I’m still waiting for her. Like she asked me to.

Impatiently at times, but waiting, nonetheless.

After she lost Sammy, she was understandably in a horrible place emotionally. Who wouldn’t be? Then, she moved down to Florida with Leo. For once, I agreed with her about it not being the best time to start a relationship.

For two years since then, I’ve been waiting. And waiting.

And waiting some more.

Apparently, it was all in vain.

Never in a million years did I expect her to go on a date with someone else. Not when I’m right fucking here. How could she do this to me?

And to herself?

Not to sound cocky, but I know she still wants me. Her body language is as clear now as it was then. Every time she sees me, it’s there. The yearning. Longing. Desire.

Same as mine.

She’s practically my mirror when it comes to how much she craves our connection.

Yet I’m sitting in her driveway in my SUV with a dickhead’s dried blood flakes on my knuckles.

Yes, I followed her home. Go fuck yourself if you don’t like it.

I told myself it was to ensure that her piece-of-shit date didn’t follow her home.

And it was. Partially.

But an equal part of me wants to confront her. I didn’t do it when I had the chance back in the parking lot at Mystic Fish. She was upset. It didn’t feel like the right time, so I focused on calming her down.

Perhaps I chickened out, too scared she’d cut off contact again.

So I let her go, tucking tail and retreating to my empty SUV. But the inside was frigid despite the oppressive Florida weather. Rage flooded me. Disappointment too.

And a pain in my gut that I knew I wouldn’t be able to shake until I spoke to her. Almost an hour later, the gnawing ache persists.

Because she chose him over me.

Joe motherfucking Stein.

How did that tool manage to get her to accept a date with him? What’s his secret?

Perhaps he didn’t give her a choice, much like he was doing when I pulled him off her. My knuckles throb as my fist tightens.

While grinding my teeth to the point of pain, I text his name and license plate number to Tomer with a short explanation. He replies a few seconds later with the thumbs-up icon thing.

I assume Joe’s been added to Tomer’s little kill list. MFKL, or whatever he calls it.

Good. That’s where that shit stain belongs.

Why, Maddie?

I grab my Redleg tablet from the passenger seat where I threw it when I saw Madeline walking out of the restaurant with that fucker beside her. Fortunately, the screen isn’t broken.

First, I send a message to Leo through the app, letting him know his mother is home safe. Next, I toggle to the location tracking app. I need to ensure he isn’t anywhere near here. He’s right where I thought he’d be—on the job.

Making a split-second decision, I set my location to private. Last thing I need is to explain to any of my people why I’m camped out in Maddie’s driveway, boiling over with rage to the extent the windows are fogged from my heated breaths.

I should leave. She’s home safely. Her house is securely outfitted with some of our best tech. There’s been no sign of the douche nozzle. She doesn’t need personal protection now.

Yeah, I should go.

And yet, I’m still here. No closer to starting the SUV and driving off.

Fuck it.

My knuckles rap against her front door ten seconds later. I glance to the side, notice the doorbell, and ring it a few times obnoxiously. Might as well holler for her too. No sense in holding back at this point since I’m already halfway to causing a fucking scene on her porch.

“Maddie, it’s Alan. Open up.”

Irritation blankets my body, nearly choking me.

A light flickers on inside the house, shining onto the door stoop through the nearby window.

“Alan?”

“Yep. Open up.”

Over the clicking sound of the lock, I steady myself and get my anger in check.

Two deep breaths later, and I realize it’s not anger.

It’s rejection. Pain. Anguish.

The door cracks, and I stifle the urge to fling it the rest of the way open and barrel my way inside. Despite those overwhelming urges, I force myself to stay rooted until she invites me inside.

She positions herself in the doorway so that she’s neither blocking me out nor welcoming me in. “What’s wrong? You look upset.” Leaning forward, she twists her neck to scan the yard. “Is Leo okay?”

Shit.

Guilt pricks at my scalp. “Everything’s fine with your son. And with me. I just needed to...”

I needed to what? See her? Ask her why she’s still rejecting me? Force her to accept a date from me? To kiss her? Fuck her? Tell her I’m done waiting?

What the fuck is my plan here?

Unsure what to say, I let the sentence fizzle on my tongue.

“Did you want to come in?” She finally steps backward, opening the door wide enough for me to pass. “Wait in the living room while I go change.”

My eyes fall to her frame, leaving her face for the first time. She’s got... clothes on. Sort of. A nightgown under a knee-length robe.

My mouth waters at the idea of peeling it off her.

Striding into the house, I close and lock the door behind me. “No need to change. You’re fine as you are.”

When I spin around, she’s backed several feet into the room, seemingly putting intentional distance between us. Her arms wrap protectively around her midsection, and she studies me with cautious eyes.

Why is she frightened?

A replay of how I was banging down her door a few seconds earlier blasts through my mind. Ah yes . Because I stormed her house like I was leading the entire fucking 75th Regiment into battle.

“Maddie, you know I’ll never hurt you.”

Her chest rises and falls with a concentrated breath, and she nods repeatedly. Still nervous but trying to calm herself.

Fuck . What’s wrong with me?

I smooth my palm from the back of my neck up and over my head, dragging it down my face. After another deep breath, I’ve regained my composure.

Gesturing with an open palm, I edge toward the couch. “Sit down with me, please?”

Responding to my change in disposition, she visually relaxes and joins me on the couch. She keeps a few feet between us, still doubting my motives. And who could blame her? I’m a fucking maniac tonight.

Flopping against the sofa cushions, I release a haggard sigh and break the tense silence. “Maddie, I’m sorry for showing up here like a raging fucking asshole. I was confused and pissed off. That’s no excuse for rattling you, though.” I look deep into her eyes and calmly add, “I apologize. I only came to talk.”

Her features soften, bringing out some of the radiance I’m used to seeing when she looks at me. “Okay. It’s fine.” She rolls back her shoulders and loosens the double-armed death grip she’s had on her waist, letting her arms fall to her lap. “Is this about what happened at the restaurant?”

“Yes.”

Her face pinches, eyes narrowing. “I’m sorry.”

The instant apology rubs me the wrong way. “For what? You don’t even know why I’m ang?—”

“Yes, I do. I’d be angry if the tables were turned. I’m sorry you found out I was going on a date that way. That was unkind of me.”

Despite her words being apologetic, they cut into my chest with a rusty, dull blade.

She knew it would upset me, yet she did it anyway.

Worse, she’s apologizing for not telling me about the date. Not because she went on the date in the first place.

Damn, that fucking hurts.

“Unkind? Yeah. It was.” In a defeated tone, I lay my heart at her feet. Again. “Maddie, I’ve been waiting for you for thirteen damn years now. The last three of them at your request.”

She jumps in. “I know that. And I’m sor?—”

I wave my hand to stop her. “Don’t say you’re sorry. It was my choice to wait, and I accept that. I made that decision with both eyes open. I’m not mad that I’ve been waiting for you; you’ve always been worth it. So no, I don’t want apologies or platitudes from you. I want an explanation.” My volume slowly increases, but not enough to scare her again. “Am I waiting for something that’ll never happen? Because it’s starting to feel that way. And if?—”

Meekly, she stammers, “Alan, I... I don’t... I’m just...”

I open my arms wide. “I’m right fucking here, Maddie. Right in front of you. I’ve been here the whole fucking time. Waiting for you to be ready to start a relationship. And apparently, you finally are. Finally . Just not ready for me.” My voice falls to a whisper. “Will you ever be?”

My hands collapse onto my lap in defeat when she doesn’t respond. “You’re free to date anyone you want, Maddie. I’d never force you to choose me. Although I’ve never had any doubt about wanting you, I realize now it’s not the same for you. So if you’re never going to let me into your life, then cut me the hell loose.”

“I don’t have any doubts about you either,” she contends, chin raised and quivering. “I know I want you. I always have. And at this point, I suspect I always will.”

I shift on the couch, bringing one bent leg up and twisting to face her. “Then why, Maddie? Why did you go out with that fucking piece of shit? Right under my damn nose. I know you aren’t a cruel person, but you gotta admit...”

I don’t want to finish that sentence. So I choke it back, stuffing it down like I’ve done with all my feelings for this woman for so damn long.

Her face sags, eyes downcast. “Now that you and Leo are so close, it wouldn’t be right. You’re his boss. It would look bad.”

I lower my head and crane my neck, trying to meet her eyes. “Are you kidding me with this shit?”

She shrugs half-heartedly. “You might be accused of impropriety or favoritism.”

“It’s my fucking company. If someone doesn’t like who I’m in a relationship with, they can fuck off out of it.” I stifle a groan and temper my volume once more. “Look at me. Be honest about why.”

She closes her eyes, giving her head the tiniest of shakes. A single tear escapes and cascades down her cheek in a meandering stream.

The shame and regret in here could suffocate us.

Softer this time, I beg, “Maddie, look at me. Please .”

Her eyes are coated in a sheen of tears when she finally complies. My heart threatens to shatter at what I see there.

All the fear.

The loathing and hatred. Not for me, but for herself.

Her grizzly is crippled and maimed.

Utterly broken. Shackled inside her mental prison.

“I’m so sorry, Alan. I never meant to hurt you. But we can’t be together.” Her subtle headshakes grow more emphatic, matching her now rapidly streaming tears. “I’m sorry I asked you to wait. I meant it at the time. I did. I swear. But things have changed. And you should move on. Don’t wait for me. I’m not?—”

She cuts herself off with a pained sob, bolting to her feet with a hand cupping her mouth.

I rise to follow her as she darts toward the hallway. “Don’t run from me, Maddie,” I plead softly.

She doesn’t stop.

Once she gets to her bedroom, she closes the door.

In my damn face.

Just like she’s done for thirteen fucking years.

With my hands cast into fists at my sides, I pace in the hallway for so long that I lose track of time. And of my thoughts. They careen inside my head like I’m in a tilt-a-whirl.

Why can’t I walk away from her? What the fuck happened to my pride? Why do I take this shit from her? When will enough finally be enough?

My spine stiffens as I answer my own question.

Tonight.

Right fucking now. It’s finally enough.

If she can’t choose me now, she never will.

My feet draw to a stop a foot in front of her bedroom, and I stare at the doorknob, my breath choppy.

“Fuck it.” Without knocking, I throw open the door. “Maddie, listen to?—”

My words catch in my throat when I see her. She’s lying on the bed on her side, cuddled around a pillow in the fetal position, sobbing softly.

I’m struck by a memory of when we met. When I stayed awake most of the night, watching over her. She was in the same position, surrounded by a pillow fort, cowering in fear and sadness. Tears dampening the bedding.

Just like now.

All these years, and she’s still so... broken.

Because she’s given up.

On me. On herself. Her future.

On us.

Instead of making me sympathetic to her suffering, it enrages me.

I know she’s stronger than this. I’ve fucking seen it firsthand. Fleeting at times, but her strength is always there. Under the surface.

Sammy’s death undoubtedly set her back, but she’s capable of fighting through it. Sadly, whoever is inside her head telling her otherwise is much louder than the roar of the bear right now.

“Just leave, Alan. There’s nothing for you here,” she warbles between thin sobs.

Even if she tried, she could never be more wrong— everything is here for me.

It’s my instinct to coddle her when she’s like this. To be soft and gentle with her. Treat her like she’s weak.

Except she isn’t that. Even if I’m the only one who realizes it.

Maybe if everyone stopped treating her like she was made of glass, she’d stop feeling so damn fragile.

“Please go,” she insists, throwing her arm over her face to hide from me.

With no finesse, I plant my ass on the edge of her bed, keeping my back to her. “Fuck that. I’m not leaving until you’re honest with me.”

Her whimpering slows, and her breathing steadies. “I already told you the truth. Please leave.”

Sighing, I shake my head. “That wasn’t the truth. That was solid-gold bullshit. And so, I’ll wait.”

The bed covers rustle, and there’s a slight tug to them under me. I suspect she’s sitting up.

But I don’t turn around and face her.

I wait.

After all, I’m a pro at waiting for her.

“Alan, you should leave.”

At least her voice is losing some of the sadness.

“No, thanks,” I snark flatly.

“You’re not leaving?” She sniffles. “You’re going against my wishes in my own home?”

“If you’d rather I wait in the living room, I can capitulate to that request. But either way, I’m not leaving until you’re honest about why you’re giving up on someday .”

“Alan,” she whines, chiding me with only my name.

“Madeline,” I parrot.

Her annoyed harrumph brings a rueful smile to my face. I should give her a glimpse of it.

When I turn around to do so, she’s dabbing her nose with a tissue. Her eyes, though. They’re growing angrier by the second.

Without conscious thought, I widen my grin.

“Why are you smiling at me like that?”

I shrug casually. “I’ll answer your questions after you answer mine.”

“This is stupid. You need to leave.”

“I vehemently disagree. What’s stupid is you throwing my role at my own company in my face as a reason to cast me aside like spoiled deli meat.”

“I’m not casting you aside.” She throws her feet onto the floor. “I’m setting you free. Cutting you loose like you asked of me.”

“Well, I changed my mind.” I wobble my head like it’s on an ill-fitting spring. “I no longer want to be cut loose unless you’re doing it with total honesty. So once again, Maddie, I’ll wait.”

Her brows draw into a fierce knot, and her forehead lines deepen severely. There’s an adorable scrunch to her nose that makes me far happier than I have any right to be.

She’s fighting.

Inside, I gleefully rub my palms together. But on the outside? Cool as a pack of Newports.

My gut is fucking undefeated.

She jerks to her feet. “I said leave.”

“Heard and declined.” I make my brows dance if for no other purpose than to aggravate her. “If you want me to leave, you’ll have to make me.”

With her open palms spreading to the sides, she darts her gaze around the room. Her mood is dancing between confused and angry.

And if you ask me, which I know you didn’t, either of those is a far cry better than her earlier wallowing.

“I don’t understand what’s happening here,” she announces after a pregnant pause.

I lean back, my arms propping me on her mattress from behind. “What’s confusing you, Maddie?”

She creeps closer to me, brows arching higher as she advances. “Do you want me to fight you or something? What game is this?”

“Not playing a game. I’m deadly serious.”

“Liar.” She scoffs, thrusting her index finger in my face. “That irritating smile on your face betrays you. And this isn’t funny. Now quit playing around and leave.”

I beckon her with a wordless wave of my hand like I’m about to tell her a secret. When she gets near, I whisper, “No.”

She stiffens her spine, balling her hands and literally stomping her feet.

And it’s fucking glorious.

“Get out, Alan!”

Beautiful. Her grizzly is yawning and stretching now, preparing to fight.

As for me, I’m unflappable. “No thanks.”

“Do I need to call Leo over here to remove you?” she bluffs.

I let my head flop to the side and hit her with a dead-eye stare. “Go ahead. I’d be happy to tell him why I’m here. Then you can explain why you’re being a stubborn ass to both of us instead of just explaining it to me.”

Her jaw unhinges, and she sucks in a huge swell of air. “An ass?”

“Or a martyr, perhaps.” I roll out my lips and flutter out a raspberry. “Not sure which it is yet since you’re still lying to me.”

“What do you want from me?”

“Tell me why you’re denying us.”

She puts her hands on her hips, tapping her toe almost comically. “Did you ever think maybe I just don’t want you?”

Nice try, Maddie. Except it’s entirely unconvincing.

“Nope. Not once.”

Her head kicks back, and her mouth parts with an offended gasp. “Excuse me? Think that highly of yourself, do you?”

“No, Maddie. I’ve never doubted how you feel about me. Just like I’ve never fucking doubted how I feel about you. And if you don’t believe me, that’s fine. But the bottom line remains the same.”

“And what’s the bottom line?”

“That I’m not leaving without an honest explanation.” I stand, wiping my hands down my front toward my stomach. “I think I’ll get a snack. Got anything good in the fridge? Some of us didn’t eat dinner tonight.”

“Alan,” she roars at my departing backside, chasing after me.

“No need to fix anything for me, Maddie. I’m quite comfortable in the kitchen.”

I stride out of the room and head to the fridge. As I open it, she stops me with her flattened palm on the door.

At an intentionally slow speed, I arc my face to the right to eye her down. “Something in here you don’t want me to see, Maddie? Another date, perhaps?”

Her hand gradually slides down the stainless-steel door. “Don’t be an ass. You’re better than that.”

“Don’t be a coward. You’re better than that.”

“Why are you being so cruel to me?” she asks, voice cracking. “This isn’t like you.”

Nope. That’s not gonna work. I’m done coddling her. My gut says it’s not what she needs from me.

“Oh, I’m sorry. Am I being rude?” I flash a fake smile and bat my lashes. “I apologize if I’m an asshole for asking for honesty after you went out with another man right in fucking front of me tonight after I’ve been fucking my fist for thirteen years while waiting for you to be ready to date.”

Despite my crisp words, my tone remains calm. If my read on her is right—and it is—she’s about to snap.

“I know I upset you by going on that stupid date, and I’m sorry for that. I really am. I wanted to go with you, but I can’t do that.” She starts rambling, her pace picking up at an alarming rate. “I never expected Leo to send you. I wouldn’t have gone if I’d have known you’d show up and rescue me. Hell, I didn’t even want to go in the first place.”

Face squarely in the fridge, I move the containers of milk and juice around. Back and forth for absolutely no other reason than to show her I’m not bothered by this.

Even if I am. Deeply.

“If you didn’t want to go on the date, why did you go? No one held a gun to your head, did they?”

“Of course not.”

“Then why?” I grab a bottle of wine and inspect the label. “Got any popcorn? Something about wine and popcorn that I just love.”

With a huff, she gestures to my left. “In the cupboard. Middle shelf.”

“Excellent.”

I whistle as I grab the popcorn, throw a bag in the microwave, and return to the drawer to find a corkscrew to open the wine.

“What are you looking for?”

She’s practically growling at me. It’s heaven.

“Wine key thing? Corkscrew?”

“It’s a twist top, you ass!”

“Twist top?” I feign shock and click my tongue. “Maddie, come on. Have things gotten that bad?”

She snatches the bottle of wine out of my hands. “I happen to like it. And it’s not for you anyhow. I don’t feel like sharing it because you’re being a dick.”

Her uncharacteristically gritty language is making me gleeful as fuck.

“ Psh . Rude.”

She puts the wine back in the fridge and points toward the front door. “Leave.”

I tip my chin toward the microwave. “My popcorn isn’t done yet.”

She brings both hands in front of her face, curling her fingers like she’s squeezing an invisible volleyball. “ Alan ! What the hell? Knock this shit off,” she bellows, finally letting loose some of her bottled-up anger. “What are you trying to prove? What the hell are you doing tonight?”

“I’m fighting for you, Maddie. And waiting for you to do the same. Just like I’ve been waiting for more than a damn decade. Now quit feeling sorry for yourself and fucking fight.”

Her chest heaves with her harried breaths. “You want me to fight for you?”

I shake my head, ardently denying her conclusion. “No. I don’t need you to fight for me because you’ve already had me since the first fucking night we met.” I get in her face, loving how she’s not backing down for once. “I want you to fight for yourself. For your own happiness. For your future. For your fucking broken heart. That’s what I want you to fight for, Maddie. Not for me. Fight for you.”

At the end of my somewhat-hostile rant, the microwave beeps three times, as if it agrees with me.

“How?” she asks with anger and determination still coating her tone.

“How what? How do you fight for yourself?” I clarify.

She nods.

“Tell me why you won’t let me love you. Be honest. Right fucking now. Not just with me. Be honest with yourself too.”

Her body vibrates with intensity, and there’s a sway to her frame. The pink in her cheeks isn’t from the tears anymore. Nor is it from shyness or because I said something flirty.

It’s resilience.

But she isn’t used to feeling her strength at the surface, and her customary behavior is to suppress it. To hide. After all, bears hibernate when the conditions are grueling.

Not letting her do that now.

Sensing she needs another nudge, I add, “Tell me why you’ll go out with someone who thinks it’s okay to force himself on you while the man you know won’t ever hurt you is waiting with his heart in his hands. Do you want to be in a shitty relationship or something? Do you miss being someone’s punching bag?”

Saying the words hurts me, but nothing could hurt worse than watching her sacrifice another moment of happiness when she doesn’t have to.

She’s done that enough for one lifetime.

“No, no, no,” she stammers, head shaking vehemently. “I don’t want that.”

“Then why, Maddie?” I move closer, my patience starting to fray around the edges. “Tell me why. Why won’t you let me make you happy when we both know it’s what you want?”

She doesn’t break eye contact or cower. But she’s still unable to speak.

Again, I press. “Why Maddie? Why are you punishing yourself?”

“Because,” she blurts out in a rush. “Because I don’t deserve to be happy. I don’t deserve a man like you.”

“Why not, Maddie? Who told you that?”

“Nobody told me that. It’s just the truth,” she lies.

“No. Fuck that. Tell me whose voice you hear when you think those words. Travis? Your father? Someone else? Who told you that you don’t deserve someone who will love you without hurting you? Who fucking said it? Whose voice do you hear, Maddie?”

The answer explodes out of her in a deafening roar. One with enough force to drive away every last shred of those lies she’s been feeding herself.

“It’s my voice, okay? Mine . I don’t need anyone else to tell me that because I already know it’s true.” She bangs her fist into her palm. “I don’t deserve happiness because I didn’t save my children. Not when they were young and not even when they were grown. That’s why!”

I crick my head to the side, brows arched in silent invitation for her to continue. She needs to get this out already.

“My daughter ended up with a man who beat her. Why? Because that’s what I taught her to do. That’s the example I set. And she died by her own hand rather than live a life as miserable as the one she saw me live. Now, I ask you this. What kind of woman deserves love after making her children suffer all their lives? I caused them so much pain. And now I’m paying the price. I don’t get to ride into the sunset while my Samantha lies cold at the bottom of the ocean.”

She storms off, not away from me exactly, but to start pacing. Back and forth. Back and forth. Right in front of the kitchen island.

Ranting and screaming at me the whole time. Or at herself, most likely.

She’s crying too, and fuck, I want to go to her and comfort her. But she needs to get it all out if she’s ever gonna heal.

“I hid, Alan. Did you know that?”

“Hid?” I ask.

“From him. From Travis. I’d hide from him when I couldn’t stand it anymore. Sometimes, I’d hide from him before he started beating me. Because I knew it was coming. And then he’d go and find Leo or Drew. Or Sam—” She cuts herself off with a sharp sob before shaking it out and continuing.

“I’d hide because I couldn’t take anymore, and he’d go off to beat them. So that’s the woman you’ve been waiting for, okay? I hid like a coward. I didn’t fight back. I can’t fight for myself just like I couldn’t fight for my kids. I couldn’t fight him. And I couldn’t fight my father. Don’t you see? I’m not a fighter. I’m the punching bag. That’s who I am. That’s all I’ll ever be.”

I cup her cheeks, planting myself in front of her to stop her frenzied pacing. “You’re fighting now, Maddie. Right fucking now. And do you know why?”

“I’m not. I’m?—”

“Yes, you are, baby. You’re fighting now because you know it’s safe to fight with me. All the years when you didn’t fight Travis, it’s because you knew it wasn’t safe to fight back. That’s why you hid, Maddie. It wasn’t safe for you to fight back when you were a child either. It was self-preservation, not cowardice. But you’re safe to fight with me. And I fucking want you to fight, Maddie. And I’ll fight right beside you.”

“Alan,” she simpers, gripping my cheeks the same way I’m gripping hers.

When she doesn’t say anything else, I gently coax her to continue. “What, Maddie?”

“I want. I want.” She shakes her head, blinking rapidly to clear her tears. “I want...”

I wipe her cheeks with the pads of my thumbs. “What do you want, Maddie?”

More tears fall, and I catch them for her. For several heavy seconds, she doesn’t answer.

“Fight for it, Maddie,” I urge in a whisper. “Whatever you want, just fight for it.”

“I want you,” she finally admits, the words sailing to me on a pillow-soft cloud of warmth.

“Then fucking have me.”