Page 16

Chapter 15

Dinner and disaster: The night everything changed

Maddie

Three months ago — Clearwater

A lan Lancaster is temptation incarnate.

Or, as my daughter would call him, a silver fox.

He’s devastating when he trains his hungry eyes on me. That covetous gaze always leaves me feeling like a slice of banana bread, which is his favorite treat. Only when I make it, though.

But Alan is absolutely lethal when he smiles.

And for some reason, he saves those for me.

He flays me with one of those killer grins from across the table at our favorite restaurant, Mystic Fish. For the last three plus years, we’ve come here at least once a month. Alan said he wanted to change my memories of this place after that ill-advised date he saved me from. My sexy white knight.

Eyeing me over the rim of his frosty beer mug, he says, “I think I’ll ask for this table from now on.”

Reflexively, I scan the area. There’s an aquarium over the back of our crescent-shaped booth. Cutouts in the recessed ceiling are in flowing shapes, resembling waves. Stained glass window squares outline the front of the restaurant.

I love it here.

“Why?” I ask.

“The reflection from the fish tank brings out the blue in your eyes.”

I give my head a shake and click my tongue. “Flattery isn’t going to change my mind about cohabitating.”

“That’s not why I was...” He trails off, and his smile falls, dragging my spirits down with it.

Damn . Why did I bring that up? I should say something before the mood totally tanks.

I’m saved from having to sputter another useless apology when the server appears with our entrées.

I toss him a grateful look. “Thank you, Jeremy. This looks delicious.”

The young man flashes a genuine smile, bowing his head slightly. “Enjoy.”

Alan and I are silent as we begin eating. When I glance his way, he doesn’t meet my eyes. Instead, he studiously surveys the room, his gaze sweeping from side to side in an arc. He’s always cautiously evaluating everyone around us, searching for threats.

He makes me feel safe, which is probably one of the reasons why I’m so drawn to him. Unlike my ex-husband, I know without a doubt that Alan would never hurt me. Nor would he let anyone else.

And yet, I always seem to hurt him.

Unfortunately, I can’t give him what he wants. No matter how tempting his offer becomes. I’d do it if I could. He deserves all of me. Every cell.

And therein lies the problem. There’d be no part of me left to call my own.

Again.

As a not-so-fun bonus, there’s a nagging fear inside me I haven’t succeeded in vanquishing—will he change once I’m entirely his without reservations? Have I been blind to a monster under the surface?

Reminders from years ago still come to mind occasionally. Of how Alan attacked Travis in the parking lot at Leo’s medal ceremony. While he was doing it to defend me, it was still violent and triggering for me. Then it happened again when he broke Joe’s nose on the night I convinced myself one little date would be fine.

Time for a subject change.

If there’s one way to get him talking, it’s by asking about his kids. That’s what we call his employees. Despite never having children, Alan loves the men and women who work for him like they’re his own. He’s a natural leader, compassionate and loyal. He’d have made an amazing dad if he’d allowed himself that opportunity.

Instead, he became a surrogate father to those soldiers who needed guidance, adopting them like strays and bringing them to Florida where he could watch over them.

It’s beautiful how he loves them.

It’s equally tragic that he never had children. I’ll never forgive myself for the role I may have played in that by asking him to wait for me.

My selfishness where he’s concerned is one of my many, many regrets.

Determined to get him to stop pouting, I take a sip of my chardonnay and then ask, “Have you heard from Kri lately? How’s she doing in her recovery?”

“She’s been cleared for increased physical activity by her physician, so she started training in the gym at HQ this week. Gun range too.”

“That’s fantastic news. She’s a tough cookie, that one.”

He nods, silently cutting his steak.

“When do you think she’ll be ready to return to duty?”

He tips his head from side to side. “Another month or two.”

Tension pulls up a chair and joins us at the table.

“And Mia? How’s she doing after her fiasco?”

“Fine. A little banged up. She’ll be back tomorrow.”

“More good news.”

And more silence.

If he cuts his steak any harder, he’ll crack through the plate and the table.

“Tomer returned to work, right?”

“Mm-hmm.”

“Any word on how his girlfriend is doing after they saved her? Poor thing hasn’t left my thoughts.”

“She’s still at the women’s shelter.”

Guess that’s all I’m going to get out of him.

There’s no possible way his steak is as tough as his forceful chewing leads me to believe.

“Alan, stop. Look at me, please.”

His hands freeze for three seconds before he gently sets his silverware down beside his plate. Leaning back in his chair, he swallows tightly and gradually fixes his eyes on mine.

It’s not an angry glare or a heated gaze of desire. There’s nothing playful or cocky in his expression, not that I expected there to be. All traces of his earlier smile have disappeared, leaving behind only sadness and longing.

He wants more than I can give him.

Ever since I let those three little words slip, he’s pushed even harder to get me to make things official. Which makes me dig my heels in further.

No matter how much I turn it over in my mind, I still haven’t figured out why I can’t give him this.

I want him. I love him. I don’t want to live without him.

So why can’t I take the next step?

Last week, we had the most lovely date on his boat. That night, I wanted to say yes so badly when he asked me to move in with him and officially go public.

I almost agreed.

Then a flash of Travis chasing me through our home not two weeks into our marriage streaked through my mind. The first time he raised a hand to me.

As soon as I was officially his, the previous red flags became blaring sirens.

So I said no when Alan asked.

My refusal is breaking his heart. And mine too.

“What, Maddie?”

My chin lowers, shielding my neck in that maddening way that’s somehow been hard-wired into my docile personality. Years of abuse will do that to a woman.

But I’m not that woman anymore.

Forcing my spine to straighten and my face to tilt upward, I earnestly tell him, “I’m sorry for what I said.”

“It’s fine.”

“Clearly, it’s not.”

After glancing at the ceiling, he licks his lips. “Do you want me to pretend I’m okay with the future you’ve painted for us?”

“No, of course not. I want you to actually be okay with it.”

“You know I hate disappointing you, but that’s one thing I cannot give you. At a minimum, I don’t want to hide what we have. And you won’t even give me that.”

I roll my hands out, palms facing upward. “What’s the big deal? Everyone already knows.”

“No. They suspect it. That’s not the same thing. More importantly, you won’t let me come clean to Leo about us. You haven’t told Sammy either. Are you ashamed of me?”

“Alan, come on. You know I could never be?—”

He cuts me off. “You’re content playing this little game, but I want more. I’ll keep being patient because the alternative is shit, but don’t expect me to ever be okay with it.”

If I’m playing a game, it’s unintentional.

At first, it was fun to keep everyone guessing. All the are they or aren’t they questions and glances were quite entertaining. Thrilling even. It made me feel young again.

More importantly, it maintained an emotional distance between Alan and me. A barricade around my heart.

He doesn’t deserve that. Why do I keep doing this to him?

The thought of living without him makes me want to curl into a ball and cry.

Somewhere during his pain-laden speech, my eyes closed and my shoulders slumped. My heart thuds wildly, clenching beneath my ribs.

When my eyes flutter open, he extends his hand toward me. It sits face up on the table between us.

It strikes me as an interesting metaphor for our situation. He’s always reaching out to me. Meanwhile, I’m always reluctant to accept whatever he offers.

But I can’t resist his touch for long, so I grant his unspoken request. His hand, calloused and weathered, dwarfs mine. A sense of contentment slowly creeps back into my soul with each tender caress of his thumb over my knuckles.

Three years and he’s never raised a hand to me. Never yelled or punched a hole through the wall. Never thrown anything at me. Never forced me to do anything I didn’t want to do. Never made me feel cheap or disposable.

And yet, I’m held back by a fear that he will one day.

After all, Travis never physically harmed me until after the vows were spoken.

By keeping our relationship a secret, I’m preventing the inevitable.

“Come here, babe,” he orders softly with a crook of his finger.

He scoots toward the middle of the booth. Unable to deny him, I do the same, meeting him halfway.

As soon as I’m within his reach, he wraps one big arm around me and cups my cheek tenderly with his free hand. “I’m sorry, Maddie. I told you I’d stop pressuring you, and that wasn’t my intention. It just hit me harder than normal tonight.”

“I’m sorry I’m not what you need.”

Whoa, horsey. Where did that come from?

I meant to apologize, tell him I understand, and assure him I’m not mad at his repeated broaching of this topic. After all, he’s entitled to his feelings.

Instead, what came out was a truth bomb I didn’t realize I’d been carrying.

Perhaps I shouldn’t have ordered the wine. But it’s as they say, in vino veritas —in wine, there is truth.

Tears pool, obscuring my vision, so I slam my eyes closed and try to gather my composure.

His grip on me tightens, and he rests his forehead against mine. “Easy, babe. It’s okay. You’re everything I need. Everything.”

I keep my eyes fastened shut, knowing if I open them, the tears will fall. Haven’t I already ruined this evening enough without making a blubbering spectacle of myself?

He gives me a tiny nudge after a few moments. “Hey, how about we take our dinner to go?”

Pulling back a few inches, I stiffen and glance around the restaurant. “Sorry for causing a scene. I’m okay.”

Instead of letting me withdraw from his arms, he gives me just enough space so I don’t feel trapped. “You aren’t causing a scene. And even if you were, I wouldn’t give a damn.”

I offer him a tight-lipped smile.

He must assume I don’t believe him because he adds, “I’m serious, Maddie. I wasn’t suggesting we leave for any reason besides wanting to be alone with you to talk it out.”

One corner of my mouth curves. “You had me at getting me alone . But you lost me at talking it out .”

His lethal smile returns, sending a shot of warmth through my body. “You know I always reward you for opening up to me.”

Butterflies take flight in my stomach and someplace slightly lower. “Fair point. Let’s take it to go.”

After placing a quick peck on my lips, he waves down Jeremy, gets the boxes, and pays the bill. As per tradition, he refuses to let me pay or even cover the tip.

A few minutes later, we exit the restaurant hand in hand.

See? I’m not ashamed of him.

What an absurd notion.

If anything, he should be ashamed to be seen with me. A frumpy fifty-six-year-old with a bad back and a mortgage she’ll never pay off. While he’s every bit the successful business owner and a former special ops soldier. He’s got more money in his bank account than I make in a year, exercises every day, has biceps that could split a watermelon, and a jawline that probably could as well.

What the hell does he see in me?

As we pass by the hostess, I wave at her. “Take care, Jean. We’ll see you next time.”

She waves back. “Bye, Maddie. Have a great night.”

Such a sweet kid. I hope she does well at college next semester.

Alan arches a brow at me, and his grin eases into a sultry smile. One guaranteed to drop my panties.

Once we’re out the front door, I ask him, “What’s that look for?”

Rather than answering, he scans the parking lot, then ducks me behind a large brick post in front of a vacant hair salon.

And in relative privacy, he presses me against the wall and joins our mouths in a sudden kiss. His velvety tongue swipes against the seam of my lips, coaxing them open.

A small gasp of surprise escapes me. His strong hands roam over my body, settling on my hips. Almost instantly, I get lost in the moment.

Lost in him.

When he kisses me, arousal and euphoria bloom to life. I thought those sensations died years ago. I never thought I’d desire another man.

But one taste of this man is all it took for me to become famished. And that’s exactly what’s happening now.

My core tightens, and my pulse spikes fervently. I’m unable to stifle a moan, but he captures it in his mouth. And damn if it doesn’t make him kiss me harder.

I break away, reluctantly needing oxygen. He literally kissed me breathless.

“What was that for?” I rasp, my chest heaving.

“Because you’re amazing, and I couldn’t keep my lips off you for another second.”

I’m quick to deny his praise with a headshake and a hearty eye roll. “Oh, please.”

“I mean it, Maddie. You’re so damn kind to everyone. You know the names of half the kids working in that place, their parents’ names, if they have siblings, and their college plans. Everyone loves you.”

“You’re being a little over the top, but I’ll allow it if it means more kissing.”

“Oh, I’ll do more than kiss you tonight. That’s a promise. Are we going to your place or mine?”

Momentarily lost in his cocoa eyes, I forget to answer.

Good heavens. I’m too old to be gaga like this over a man.

Memories of his love and protection flutter through my mind like a movie reel, reminding me of his character. Hope for the future sprouts somewhere deep inside me. Roots take hold, implanting with them a new confidence that maybe I can do this. Perhaps I’m finally ready.

If I don’t give him something, I’ll lose him. And I cannot do that to myself.

More importantly, he deserves this.

I’ll likely never know what he sees in me, but I trust in his love. And if he wants me to claim him publicly, I’d be a fool not to do that.

I’ve been so callous to keep him a secret in an attempt to protect myself.

Well, that’s about to end.

It’s time we love in the open. I can give him this without losing myself. Somehow.

“Alan, I think we?—”

My words trip over his as he leans closer, running his nose along the side of my neck and asks, “Well? What’s it going to be?”

“Your place is fine.”

“Okay, but no leaving in the middle of the night this time.”

“I couldn’t sleep, and I didn’t want to wake you.”

He narrows his eyes like he doesn’t believe me.

Was it a lie?

Technically, it was a fib.

But you can kiss my grits if you think you’re getting more than that from me. Those worms are staying in their can.

Perhaps it’s for the best I didn’t tell him my decision about our relationship. That’s something I can save for when we get back to his place. It’s not exactly a sidewalk-in-front-of-a-restaurant topic.

A gruff rumble sneaks out of his chest, and then he grabs me by the hand to lead me around the post.

And that’s when everything goes to shit.

Chaos. Terror.

A series of pops louder than anything I’ve heard crackles through the night air. The glass window behind us shatters. Alan shoves me to the ground and kneels beside me.

My hands cup my ears instinctively, and I ball up my knees to protect my midsection.

“Stay down!” someone yells.

More loud pops in rapid succession rattle my eardrums, but these are so close.

Too close.

Forcing my eyes open, I see Alan holding a gun, extending it toward the parking lot. Somewhere in the commotion, he must have retrieved his handgun and started firing back.

He’s. Firing. Back.

Oh my god. Someone is shooting at us.

My eyes snap shut of their own accord, and I fold myself into a tighter ball as terror seizes my entire being.

A burning sensation in my upper arm tries to break through my panic. But I can’t focus on anything other than the ringing in my ears and pounding heartbeat.

And fear for my life.

It’s a feeling I know all too well, but I hoped it was behind me.

“Call the police!” another voice yells.

Or is that the same voice?

The pain in my arm becomes so intense I can no longer ignore it. A groan escapes me, but I press my lips closed so another doesn’t break free.

Be quiet. Hide.

“Babe, are you okay?” a male says from far away. “Son of a bitch!”

Stay quiet. Hide. It’s safer.

The gunshots have stopped.

There’s no more glass breaking.

But I stay curled up, pretending this is all one of my nightmares. It’s nothing more. Everything is fine.

Any minute, my alarm will go off, and I’ll get ready for work. Same as always.

It’s cold.

Instead of my morning alarm, police sirens blast.

“Maddie, babe, look at me. Open your eyes,” a voice urges.

I cover my ears harder, shaking my head.

You must hide.

A feminine voice says, “I think she’s in shock.”

There’s a beeping sound.

“Dispatch, we need a 10-71 for a GSW.”

“Maddie, babe, can you talk to me?”

Just hide.

He’ll go away if you don’t fight. He always does.