Page 18

Chapter 17

Sweet child of (not) mine

Maddie

T hus far, the best part of learning that Alan’s a father is how it takes all the focus off me. In life, you have to take the wins when and where you get them.

I was resting on the sofa in Alan’s office when I heard the commotion in the conference room. So I poked my nose down there just in time to hear the bomb drop. And it sure did.

Like it did on Hiroshima.

After quickly squeezing Alan’s hand for a bit of silent support, I face the doorway, my eyes searching for that little darling Lettie so I can introduce them. Wearing a gentle smile, I motion for her to come closer.

Same as when I escorted her to the bathroom a few moments ago, I’m struck by how similar her eyes are to Alan’s. It’s uncanny.

Not suggesting Alan would try to deny paternity, but even if he wanted to, he’d fail before they swabbed her cheek. Add in her obvious strength, and this is an open-and-shut case. Let’s face it—regardless of her horrible timing, it took chutzpah to walk into a room full of strangers and announce herself the way she did. From what I’ve seen in her thus far, she’s got his formidable spirit.

So yeah. Like it or not, Alan has a daughter.

Lettie takes a tentative step. Then another. Her eyes dart nervously around the room, occasionally shooting toward Alan before instantly bouncing her gaze in the opposite direction.

Petrified darling. After all she’s been through, I don’t blame her.

She needs some encouragement, and since Alan’s impersonating a tree trunk, I do the honors. Inching a few steps toward her, I attempt to ease her mind. “Come on in, dear. You’ll find his bark is far worse than his bite.”

I only guide Lettie a single step past Tomer before he stops us in our tracks. “Wait.”

“What are you doing?” Lettie whisper-scolds him.

“What I should have done a long time ago,” he answers, his tone layered with conviction.

Grasping her by the hand, Tomer marches her right up to her father. His steps are bold, and his head is raised high.

Atta boy .

He may have buttered the wrong side of the bread, but he’s trying to make it right.

A spark of pride fills me. I glance at Alan, wondering if he feels the same. However, it’s entirely possible he’s too blinded by his justifiable anger to be proud.

Tomer meets Alan’s stare head-on. “I’d like to introduce you to your daughter, Violet Anastasia Holt. She’s the sweetest, kindest, most loving person I’ve ever known. She’s strong like you. Forgiving and loyal like you. And as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside. She’s been through some shit lately, so go easy on her. But I know you’re gonna love her. Everyone does.”

I’m not gonna cry. Nope.

His vision cascades to Lettie, warmth radiating from him to her. Oof . That’s one hell of a powerful gaze right there.

Despite my inner pep talk, tears fill my eyes, and my sinuses sting. I’ve seen that look before. Many times over the last sixteen years.

From Alan.

It’s love. Unfiltered and raw.

That boy is hopelessly in love.

Based on the brief chat I had with Lettie in the restroom, she clearly loves him as well. She’s also enraged at him, rightly so. However, their powerful love lingers.

When she asked what happened to my injured shoulder, I saw the change in her instantly as she listened to my explanation. What little color had returned to her cheeks after getting sick vanished again when I suggested the severity of the threat against Redleg.

It took her a minute to respond, but once she did, the meaning behind her words revealed her ever-present love for Tomer. She had no idea of the wasp’s nest she walked into this morning. Felt horrible for how she’d misjudged him, assuming he was lying to manipulate her. Apologized at least twenty-two times.

Sweet child.

Tomer clears his throat, recapturing my wayward thoughts. “Lettie, this is your father, Alan Lancaster. He didn’t know you existed until earlier today, so go easy on him. You don’t need to be scared of him because he’s the most honorable man you’ll ever know. You’re gonna love him.”

I had better leave, or else I’ll blubber all over the place. Thankfully, Tomer’s exiting, so I follow him into the hallway. And together, we wait for the people we love on the other side of the door.

Both of whom have been cheated out of their relationship for more than twenty-five years.

“Well, that’s it, then. Consider my decision made.” Sammy emphatically nods, oddly resembling a bobblehead doll. A beautiful one. Even exhausted from the last eighteen hours, she’s a radiant vision.

She and I kill time in Sawyer’s office while he, Alan, Leo, and a few others talk shop about this whole mafia nightmare. They’re likely drawing up battle plans on a whiteboard and hacking the NSA or whatever.

Not sure how this is my life.

“This is the last straw,” she adds, standing abruptly and crossing her arms. They rest nicely on her swollen pregnant belly.

I remember the days of having a built-in shelf. One of very few perks of the third trimester. Great place to put a sandwich. Or the remote.

Wow . My thoughts are all over the place, which tracks considering how little sleep I’ve had.

Oh, and the pain of a freaking gunshot wound. No big deal.

I brace my forehead on my fingertips, digging in firmly to hopefully release the tension. “What are you going on about, my dear child?”

She thrusts a straight arm toward the hallway in the direction of Alan’s office and the conference room. “Those meetings. That’s what I’m talking about.” More over-the-top head bobbing.

My daughter’s known for her dramatic flair. As her pregnancy has progressed, it’s gotten worse. And her fiancé, Sawyer, seems to encourage it, doting on her like she’s a princess. He’s creating a monster and is pleased as punch about it.

Then again, it’s possible her reaction is normal, and mine is off.

Hold the flip phone . I still don’t know why she’s this fired up.

“Sammy, what about the meetings?”

“All the good shit happens during those secret squirrel meetings. Well, I’m not missing the next show, that’s for damn sure. From here on out, you can bet your sweet ass I’ll be in the front row with my popcorn.”

“I’ll bring the wine,” I quip.

Truth be told, she makes a great point. This morning’s meeting likely topped them all, and there’s stiff competition for that honor.

“Seriously, Mom. Let’s look back on what we’ve missed.”

“Darling, those aren’t our meetings. We don’t work here. I have a job of my own.”

Although I don’t know how long it’ll be until I can return. Maybe they’ll let me work remotely for a while. Ha . Sure, they won’t.

“Shh. Not the point,” Sammy squawks at me. “First, Shep and Kri finally announced their long-suspected relationship in one of those meetings, right?” She ticks off her first and second fingers. “In another meeting, Klein broke his laptop when his one-night stand was announced as the new intel person, stealing the job right out from under him. More juicy drama kept hidden from us.”

Pausing to suck in a huge swell of air, she taps the pad of her third finger. “That brings us to today. The crème de la crème of entertainment. Despite it happening right under our noses, we missed it because we weren’t in the meeting. Gah ! What a cruel world.”

I roll my eyes, my smile steadily fading.

Undeterred, my daughter rants on. “A triple-decker drama sandwich with fries on the side. First, they got to tell everyone about the assassination attempt, which had to have every last jaw on the floor.”

She glances at me to make sure her nonchalant reference to the incident doesn’t trigger me like it did last night. I flick the wrist on my good arm, easing her guilt. I’m too damn tired and sore for another PTSD episode.

Without missing a beat, she piles on. “As if that wasn’t enough for one meeting, Tomer had a screaming match outside the room with a girlfriend nobody knew he had. Not to be rude, but I wasn’t sure he had feelings. Oh, but he does. And did you see her? That girl is stunning. Turns out, Chuck isn’t such a no-fun-fuck after all.”

She splays her hands in front of her face. “ But wait. There’s more. ”

I giggle to myself.

“For the final act, Tomer’s girlfriend breezed in with fanfare trumpets to announce to all of Redleg that she’s Big Al’s secret daughter.”

Sammy’s vibrating with excitement. Probably a case of the slap-happies from being awake most of the night. Exhaustion can make you loopy. Meanwhile, I’m rubbing my shoulder and contemplating finding a closet to sneak into for a few hours of peace and quiet.

“Go ahead and let that rattle around your head for a beat, will ya? Tomer clearly knew he was dating his boss’s secret daughter. Do you know what that means?”

“Sammy, I already talked to Alan about it. And a little bit to Lettie and Tomer too. Yes, I’m well aware of what it means.”

“Boom!” She puts her curved hands around her head, miming her head exploding. “Tomer is sooo fucking screwed. He really fucked up this time.” She clicks her tongue, punching a fist into her palm. “God damn meetings.”

“You forgot another bomb, dear,” I offer flippantly, resting my eyelids.

“Which one?” she asks.

I peek at her through one eye. “One involving Leo’s boss and me.”

She shrugs. “ Meh . That’s barely a blip compared to the rest of that shit. Everyone pretty much already knew about you guys from when we saw you on his boat at Crabby’s.” Her pretty eyes dance toward the ceiling like she’s recalling something, and a smile caresses her cheeks. “And the million other times you thought you were slick but weren’t.”

My lips pucker involuntarily. “Such as?”

“Mom, you two eye fuck each other every time you’re in the same room. It’s obscene, and I need you to stop. Plus, you’re the only one allowed to call him Alan . And—” She slams her lips together, cutting herself off.

“What?”

She shakes her head. “Nope. Forget it.”

“Samantha.” I sharpen my glare at her. “Don’t lie to your mother.”

She peeks toward the open door and whispers, “Can you keep a secret?”

“Apparently not when it involves dating Alan.” I flop my hands to my lap and huff. “But yes, I’ll keep your secret as long as it’s not illegal or morally unjust.”

“Your conditions are lame,” she grumbles, sliding her chair closer to me. “Here’s the other thing that tipped us off. Leo found Big Al’s Redleg tablet at your house one morning. He took it and hid it. But you can’t tell Big Al that.”

When I don’t respond right away, she arches her brows knowingly. “Additionally, it was reported that you were acting suspiciously in your bedroom and wouldn’t come out to see your son. The security system was coincidentally off, so he couldn’t check the nanny cams. Any of that ring a bell, Mommy ?”

Ah yes . The first time I accidentally said I love you.

“I shoved him out the bedroom window that morning so Leo wouldn’t see him,” I admit, laughter bubbling out of me at the memory. “I threw his shoes out into the bushes.”

We both break out in hysterics, clearly needing the moment of levity after this chaotic day.

“Well, I love this for you, Mom. Honestly. Big Al’s hot. Get it, girl.”

A grin sneaks its way onto my face. “Yeah, he sure is.”

“How long?” she asks.

“How long have we been dating?”

“Or banging. Smashing. Smushing. Whatever you call it.” She snort-laughs. “Obviously, you were hitting it when he followed you to California, right?”

“Yep.”

And that was the first time he said he loved me.

“Before that?” she prods for more answers.

Welp. Might as well spill it.

“Alan’s been in my life for a long time, darling,” I confess.

“How long is long?”

“Sixteen years.”

She inhales so deeply that the back of my head caves in from the loss of air pressure in the room.

Kidding.

“Mother! Sixteen years? And you kept it a secret the entire time?”

“Well, we weren’t together all those years,” I explain, then tell her about the night we met and the emails that followed for years.

“Hang on,” she says, finger raised to halt my story.

“What?”

“I’m remembering something from many years ago, when Leo got that medal. That night, Dad showed up at the ceremony and caused all the drama. And it was Big Al who threw him out. Literally.”

Despite there being no question, I know what she’s asking. “We hadn’t done anything but flirty talk in emails at that point. But Alan had made it clear he was interested in dating me.”

“Ouch. Then you left with Dad.” Air hisses through her teeth. “That must have sucked for Big Al.”

And for me.

That night was... rough for so many reasons.

“So then after that?”

“The first time we kissed was when he came for Leo’s welcome home party.”

Sammy’s tone shifts slowly, tension settling around us. “Oh yeah. I remember that night.”

All traces of her good humor evaporate, no doubt because memories of her abusive ex-husband Craig have slipped in. The fuck nugget who made her fake her death.

Rest in hell.

“Anyhow. When we moved to Florida, we became closer friends and eventually started seeing each other.”

“While I was... gone?” she asks.

I put my head down, remembering the dark times when we believed she was dead. “Yes.”

She weaves her fingers through mine. “I’m so sorry, Mom. But I’m glad you had him during that time.”

My weary eyes pool with tears. “Me too.”

After a long pause, she asks, “Why didn’t you tell us about your relationship? Did he want to keep it a secret or something? Because that’s a dick move. He might need a taint punch for that.”

Guilt pitches a tent in my gut. “No. Um. That was on me.”

“Mom, nooo .” Her jaw gapes. “ You were the dick? My sweet mother made Leo’s boss her lover on the down low? Damn , this day just won’t quit with the breaking news.”

A haggard sigh rattles around in my chest until I free it in a rush. “Sammy, I don’t know why I hid him for so long. I have no good excuse, only flimsy ones. Justifications of a broken woman.” Those brewing tears spill down my cheeks. “Of all the men, he’s the least deserving of such cruelty.”

“First, you’re not broken. And second, you must have had valid reasons because you don’t have a cruel bone in your body.”

“Then how could I do that to him?”

She squeezes my hand, infusing me with her love and support. “This reminds me of something Jaynie explained in a therapy session.”

“What?”

“Ever hear of the Pygmalion effect?”

“Rings a bell, but I couldn’t tell you what it means.”

“Sort of the inverse of the golden rule. People tend to treat others the way they’ve been treated.”

“So I hurt Alan because I’ve been...”

My words dry up as the profoundness of it sinks in.

“It might not be that, though.” She tries to amend her suggestion to ease my pain. “It could be something else motivating you. Perhaps you were scared. It might have been a defense mechanism. Or a hundred other things.”

Scared. Fear.

Alan’s said it so many times.

And he’s right.

I’m scared of committing to him because if I lose him, it’ll hurt even more. Once everyone knew about us, I couldn’t pretend it away. I could no longer hide from the truth. Everyone else knowing makes it so much more real.

Plus, the whole maybe-he’ll-change-once-we’re-official fear that plagues me. Along with the worry of losing myself to a man. Again.

More fear.

“Mom, let’s change the subject. Eventually, you’ll figure out why you hid the relationship. Tell me then. Or call Jaynie, and she’ll help you deal with it. Looks like you’ve got some guilt. Better let that shit out before you have to get a sledgehammer.”

With the hand not holding mine, she wipes the tears from my cheek.

So sweet . She’s gonna be a great mother.

“Your reasoning doesn’t matter so much now. The secret is out.”

Why I kept the secret might not matter as much, but Alan and I still need to address where this leaves us.

I’m stuck with a gut-punch memory from last night. Right before everything went to hell in a handbasket, I decided I was ready to reveal our relationship to others.

I sure hope he believes me when I tell him.

However, our situation has another complication now. He’ll need time to bond with his daughter. He’s got a lot to make up for. An entire life missed.

Tragic.

He should be worried about her rather than being hung up on protecting me or concerned about whether I’m finally ready for our someday.

I expel all the air from my lungs, rolling out my shoulders. The surge of pain from the gunshot wound makes me flinch, and air hisses through my teeth. “This is exactly what every menopausal woman needs. More aches and pains.”

Sammy’s former manic energy returns, only this time it’s tinged with anger. “I can’t freaking believe they shot you. Fuckers. Thank fuck Big Al killed the hit man. Those bastards need to be stopped. And every time I think about those poor girls in the trafficking house, I want to rage.”

“Alan’s daughter was one of those girls,” I mutter, shaking my head in a fog of disgust and sadness. “Poor sweet darling. Although we didn’t know she was his daughter at the time, Alan and I were just talking about her last night at dinner before the...”

I don’t finish that sentence. The memories are starting to sting. The panic I felt, and the visions it triggered. One minute I’m getting shot at in a parking lot, and the next I’m back in time with Travis waving a gun around.

A chill runs through me, and my stomach flip-flops. Guilt weighs me down, making it hard to move.

Oblivious to my inner turmoil, Sammy starts pacing. As she stomps around Sawyer’s desk, she massages her lower back.

Can’t believe my baby is having twins.

I’d much rather think about that. So much to look forward to.

“Turn around, love. I’ll rub your back while you BPM.”

She trudges toward me. “What’s BPM? Beats per minute?”

“Bitch, piss, and moan.”

She snickers. In front of me now, she leans on the edge of Sawyer’s desk, giving me a decent angle for a little one-handed massage. “BPM. I like it. Big Al’s term?”

“Yeah. Occasionally, he tries to censor his potty mouth around me. He’s coming up with acronyms now.”

She releases a dainty sigh as I rub her tender muscles. “Does he treat you right? Is he good to you? Does he make you happy?”

I don’t answer right away, but a smile gradually engulfs my entire face. She tosses a curious look over her shoulder at me, glimpsing my love-filled expression.

“Look at your face. Aw , you love him,” she says wistfully. “That’s good. I’m happy for you. You deserve someone who treats you like a queen.”

“Do you think Leo will be okay with it?”

“I won’t bullshit you. He’s butt hurt that you both hid it, and he was already butt hurt about Tomer doing the rescue op without him. So that’s double the ass pain. Both cheeks spread. No lube. Giant spiked dildo.”

“Mouth, child,” I scold, widening my eyes at her.

She ignores me. “As for the actual relationship, Leo will give you his seal of approval. Boss is the only one who could protect you better than him, so naturally, he’ll be psyched.”

“Okay, dear. I’ll talk to him later.”

“Well, since you didn’t have a ready-to-go reason for hiding it from everyone when I asked a few minutes ago, you might want to work on that before you bring it up with the big guy. Just my two cents. Maybe enlist Sue to help you win him over, if necessary.”

“Thanks for not being angry at me for hiding this from you.”

She straightens her body, slowly turning around to face me. “What kind of self-righteous, fuck-face, dick-wad, hypocritical, ass-goblin weasel do you take me for?”

“Language, Samantha,” I chide playfully, failing to quash my laughter.

After cackling with me for a beat, she grows serious and kisses me on the top of my head before returning to the chair beside me. “Mom, I’m serious. I’d be a real shit to hold your harmless, piddly secret against you. First-class hypocrite.”

Her voice grows shaky, a quiver that showcases her building emotions over her past. “At least your situation didn’t hurt the ones you love most in the world. And those who love you. Leo will get over it. I mean, it’s not like we have to have a fake funeral over your lie. No one will think you’re dead or be forced to grieve for years in vain over your dishonesty. So no, I’m not the least bit angry with you about this shit with Big Al. In fact, I’m happy for you both.”

“Darling, don’t do that.” I grab her hand, repeating the comforting gesture she used on me earlier. “We’ve forgiven you. Stop beating yourself up. If anything, that was on me more than you.”

Her head snaps backward, and her eyes bulge. “How the hell was that on you?”

“Samantha, don’t play dumb to ease my guilt. If I hadn’t stayed with your father for all those horrible years, you wouldn’t have gone right out and found an even worse version of him. You’d have known that wasn’t how love should be.”

She huffs and puffs like the Big Bad Wolf, clearly disagreeing with my point. Then her ire fades, steadfast compassion overtaking her features. As much as she beats herself up for being a bitch—her words, not mine—she’s got a beautiful soul. Just like her brothers.

For all my mistakes, I did something right with them.

Miraculously.

“Mom, when you think about why you stayed with Dad all those years, do you blame your mother?”

Oof . Didn’t need a kick to the gut like that, but I got it all the same.

Barely loud enough for her to hear, I respond with complete honesty. “Of course I don’t.”

“Exactly,” she replies in a whisper, her familiar blue eyes turning glassy with emotion. “So why would I blame you?”