Page 4 of Bossy Hero (Redleg Security #8)
Chapter 3
From the emails of Big Al & Maddie
To: ALancaster
From: justmaddie
Subject: Quick note
Hi Alan,
This is Maddie Mason, Leo’s mother. I hope you don’t mind me contacting you this way. I’m not overly fond of texting, so I went with email. If we’re going to be friends, we should have a way to contact each other, right? I almost emailed you through your official Army address but decided this was probably better.
Anyhow, so this is me. Reach out whenever you like. Or ignore me. Whatever.
Also, I wrote to tell you how much I appreciated you staying with me in the motel last week to ensure I was okay. It was a rough night for me. That was very kind of you. I felt safe having you there at a time when safety was in short supply. Sometimes, it’s nice to remember there are good people out there who want to help strangers. I appreciate your discretion about this matter.
And a special thank you for looking out for my eldest son. He should be back on base tomorrow. I apologize for taking him away from your team for the week. I sent him back with a big batch of banana bread as my way of saying thank you. If he doesn’t share it with you, let me know. I’ll handle him.
Take care and be safe.
Maddie
* * *
Ten days later
To: justmaddie
From: ALancaster
Hi, Maddie,
I’m surprised to hear from you. Can’t say I’m disappointed. Sorry I didn’t reply sooner, but I’m not in this email account very often. I’ll change that now that I have a good reason to check it.
You haven’t left my thoughts. Not in a creepy way. I wish there were something I could do to help you feel safe all the time. But I’m glad I could be there for you that night. And there’s no reason to apologize for Leo getting leave time. Family is important. It’s a good thing we weren’t deployed.
So how are you doing? Feeling okay physically? Are you safe in your new place? Does it feel like home yet?
You probably already heard this from your son, but we’re flying out tomorrow on another mission. We’ll be out of pocket quite a bit for a few months. Replies might be spotty.
Please stay safe.
By the way, how did you get my email address? Not that I’m upset about it. It’s the opposite, actually.
Alan
* * *
The next day
To: ALancaster
From: justmaddie
You seem like an intelligent man. So I’m stumped as to why you’d ask how I got your email address. I’d have thought that would be pretty obvious.
As for me, I’m doing fine. And I do feel safe here. My daughter, Sammy, has a long weekend coming up and will be home from college to help me finish unpacking and decorating. It’s not a fancy place, but it’s nice. It’ll do for now. Getting a decent job is another thing. Still searching. For now, I’m working at a convenience store, which is... something. But it’s income. Beggars can’t be choosers.
* * *
To: justmaddie
From: ALancaster
If your son had given my email address to you, he’d have mentioned it to me and then given me shit about it. 100% chance he’d have warned me not to hit on you.
* * *
To: ALancaster
From: justmaddie
Can’t argue with that logic. Guess I’m busted then.
Let’s just say you’re not the only one with top-secret skills. And I’d never reveal my sources.
I think I’ll leave you wondering for now. Who doesn’t like a bit of intrigue? It’ll give you something to ponder while you’re in a foxhole or whatever you do over there. Wherever “there” is this time.
Don’t miss your flight. Check in when you can. I’ll be thinking of you (also not in a creepy way).
* * *
To: justmaddie
From: ALancaster
There’s no chance of me missing my flight. I’m never late, and I’m on the plane already, just waiting for takeoff.
First, I like a little intrigue. I’m up for a game. I’ll have lots of downtime in the next few weeks to uncover your secrets.
Second, this might be out of line for me to say since you’re still technically married, but if you want to think about me in a creepy way, I wouldn’t object. Frankly, I’d take you thinking about me in just about any way you wanted to. And I’d love permission to think of you in all the ways too.
* * *
To: ALancaster
From: justmaddie
Excuse me, Alan. That made me blush. I knew you were a playboy.
* * *
To: justmaddie
From: ALancaster
I disagree. If I were a playboy, I’d be saying things like that to many women. But I’m only saying it to you.
* * *
To: ALancaster
From: justmaddie
Exactly what a playboy would say.
* * *
To: justmaddie
From: ALancaster
When I get back, I’ll figure out how to prove to you that I’m not a playboy.
* * *
To: ALancaster
From: justmaddie
How do you plan to do that? You’re probably pushing 40, never been married, very attractive, seemingly well-adjusted, and gainfully employed. I’m not a believer in stereotyping people, but you’re clearly a playboy. Actually, my daughter says you’re a player. So I believe that’s the current terminology.
* * *
To: justmaddie
From: ALancaster
You think I’m attractive, huh? And you talked to your daughter about me? What did you say?
* * *
To: ALancaster
From: justmaddie
Hasn’t your flight taken off yet?
* * *
To: justmaddie
From: ALancaster
Nice deflection.
It’s about to takeoff. Gotta put my phone away now.
Be safe, Maddie. Feel free to think of me in all the ways.
* * *
To: ALancaster
From: justmaddie
Um. I can’t believe I’m saying this. But same to you.
(Blushing so much)
* * *
To: justmaddie
From: ALancaster
I’ll email you later to hear more about this blushing. Consider sending me a picture of said blush.
* * *
Three months later
To: justmaddie
From: ALancaster
Subject: Home at last
We landed stateside. No casualties for our entire unit on this trip.
Sorry we had to go radio silent over the last two weeks. Before that, it was great getting to know you (when we had internet service, that is). You’re not what I expected. I want to get to know you even better. I was hoping you felt the same.
I’ve got three weeks of leave coming up, starting at the end of the month. What are the chances I’ll be able to see you in person?
* * *
To: ALancaster
From: justmaddie
Alan,
I’m so relieved you’re back home safe. The communication blackout was killing me. Will it ever get easier? Each deployment is worse than the last, but this one was downright brutal. Maybe that’s because there were three of you I was worried about this time instead of two.
Happy you’re back on US soil again.
Are my boys okay? Are you?
Maddie
* * *
To: justmaddie
From: ALancaster
Nice to know you were worried about me, but also, I don’t want you to worry. So that’s bittersweet.
Ah, let’s see. Lionheart is good. He’s a damn fine soldier. He’s got top-notch instincts, and those can’t be taught. They’ll serve him well even when I’m not there with him in the future. I know nothing I say will make you worry less, but for what it’s worth, he’s one of the best I’ve seen in action.
Who is the other “boy” you’re worried about? Would that be Sawyer? If so, he’s fine too. However, if he doesn’t shut up more often, he’ll end up with his lips glued together. Not saying I’d do it. But someone might. If he were a sailor, there’s no doubt he’d have been tossed overboard by now. However, he’s also a damn good fighter and a good man.
It’s ironic that you’d ask about him in the same bucket as Leo, as if Sawyer is a son to you. He’s growing on me that way too. Like a barnacle or a wart.
The more I’m around these kids, the more I feel responsible for them. We talk a lot when we’re deployed. Sometimes it’s superficial, but more often it’s deep shit. I think it’s the loneliness that brings it out in them. One way or another, they all open up to me at some point when we’re overseas. Life or death situations and being so far from loved ones can do that to you. I’m the unofficial shrink and surrogate father to half my unit at this point. Not that I mind it. Since I never had kids, it’s nice to share what I’ve learned with the younger generation. And some of these kids have the most fucked up stories about their home life. The least I can do is offer some stability for them.
Anyhow, I’m rambling. Gonna catch some sleep now. I’ve been up for about thirty-six hours at this point. I bet I don’t make sense.
Oh, and how about meeting up when I’m on leave? I need to see this blush of yours in person. I could come up there to you if you aren’t planning on coming to see your son. I’d like to visit Maine anyhow. It’s on my bucket list, and I’m not getting any younger. Heard they have good fishing. Or sailing. Or something like that. Lobster maybe? I don’t know. It’s really just an excuse to see you.
* * *
To: ALancaster
From: justmaddie
Yes, it’s Sawyer who I was asking about. Ever since he met Leo at basic, they’ve been inseparable. From the first time he spent leave time here in Maine with us, I’ve felt like he’s mine too. Leo talks about him constantly, and I’ve taken to having him pass the phone to Sawyer after we’re done talking so he can update me on his life. He calls me on my birthday and sends cards for all the holidays. He has a lot of love to give. He grew up in the foster system. But I bet you know that.
Although, I’m unsure why I’m trying to fill the mother figure role for him. If he were my son, he’d be another one with an F’d up story from his youth like the others you mentioned. I’m sure Leo is one of them. Don’t bother denying it. I know you didn’t say that to make me feel bad, but I’m in therapy now and learning to acknowledge all the mistakes I’ve made. It weighs me down. The guilt is physically painful at times. It hurts worse than anything Travis did to me.
You know, maybe it’s the wine I’ve been guzzling, but I feel like rambling. So buckle up.
I bet you’ve spent time asking yourself how I could have ever let that happen to my kids. Why did I stay with that monster for so many years? Why didn’t I protect my children?
If I were on the outside, I’d be asking that too. Those are fair questions.
The truth is... I haven’t a clue how I let it happen.
All I know is that I haven’t felt in control for most of my life. Travis oversaw almost all aspects of my existence—money, house, transportation, social life, material things. He wouldn’t let me work or have a car. I only recently got my own cell phone. When I say he controlled everything, I mean everything.
Losing myself to him was gradual. I didn’t see it happening at first. But slowly, he removed all my power systematically until I had none left. No friends. Even my sister acts like I’m dead. He drove a wedge into any possible support system I could cling to.
Alone. In every sense of the word.
So tell me... how can someone who is powerless take back their life when they don’t have two feet to stand on? Especially with little mouths to feed and no money or place to live? I didn’t even have a car we could sleep in.
When I wanted to leave him, he made me think I had no options other than him. Especially if I wanted to keep my children.
No. That’s not right. Not just “think” that way... I believed it. I still do. It’s only because my children are grown that I’ve been able to stay away this long.
Back then, he engineered situations that would prove to me how powerless I was. It was so confusing, and I wasn’t in a clear state of mind to begin with. I didn’t know what was real and what was a lie. I sure as hell couldn’t trust my own judgment. He made sure of that. At one point, he’d convinced me I was an unfit mother and that no court would allow me to keep my children. He had me doubting what was real and what was imaginary. My therapist says it’s called gaslighting. Sometimes, the mental abuse was harder to deal with than the physical.
At the end of the day, I was weak and didn’t think there was a way to escape him. So I focused on trying to be better for him, all so he wouldn’t get angry with me. I believed I was the problem. Not him.
To be honest, I still do.
I feel like I haven’t broken the cycle yet. I worry I’ll end up back with him. He’s called me a few times. I suspect he knows where I’m living now, although I never told him. Pretty sure I saw his car following me a few days ago.
As for my kids, it sickens me how they’ve suffered because of me. I swear I tried to leave so many times. And I did leave him at least once a year when the kids were young. Sometimes more often than that. And yet, he’d always convince me he’d changed. Even in our times of separation, I felt regret and shame over leaving him. Like I was giving up on my marriage. Giving up on my family.
My head was so screwed up. And let’s not forget that I had no money, no savings, and he’d go behind me to places I applied and withdraw my applications. Can you believe that?
I found out he was doing it when a woman at church overheard him talking to the dentist at the office where I applied to be a receptionist.
Like a damn fool, I took him back after that too. I don’t know why.
I had proof that he was actively ruining my life, and yet I still went back eventually.
Because I was scared. Scared for my life and for my kids.
Often times, the act of leaving was so frightening that I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.
Might sound silly to you, given that you’re a soldier, a Ranger at that... but being scared for your life can make you act irrationally. I thought staying was saving my life. But at the same time, I knew that if I stayed, he’d end up killing me.
So there you have it.
* * *