Page 21

Chapter 20

There's always time for unpleasantries

Maddie

Two weeks later

A s I’ve gotten older, some things have become nearly impossible to hold. For instance, my bladder. It’s just a sad fact of life. I’m in my mid-fifties and birthed three babies. Thus, a single sneeze might necessitate an outfit change and a trip to the car wash to shampoo my seats. It happens. Doing kegels only helps so much.

The other thing I find challenging to hold these days is my tongue.

Especially when I’ve gotten very little sleep over two weeks, thanks to a gunshot wound on the side I prefer to sleep on.

More than the recent chronic fatigue, though, perhaps I’m extra snippy this morning over the broken coffee maker.

However, the most probable reason I’m ready to blow my top is because I no longer have autonomy over my life.

Again.

Considering the recent events, I’m doing my darndest to give Alan grace. After all, he’s only smothering me because he loves me and wants to ensure my safety. Seeing me unresponsive on the concrete while bleeding from a gunshot fired up every overprotective instinct he has, of which he already had plenty.

Therefore, when it comes to my metaphorical suffocation, I’ll continue trying my best not to make waves. More than likely, it’s only temporary.

However.

When it comes to how others are being treated, I cannot find it in myself to be as forgiving.

And if this man doesn’t pull his head out of his ass, I’ll do it for him. By force if necessary.

By the time Alan’s done leaving another unacceptable voicemail, I’m ready to snap. I’ve absolutely had it.

Parking myself at the edge of his living room, I cross my good arm at my chest and stare him down.

He faces me expectantly, keys in hand. “Are you ready to go? Where’s your purse?”

After a deep breath, I calmly grit out, “I have something to say first.”

He checks his watch. “Can’t we talk in the car?”

My right eyelid twitches, courtesy of my spiking blood pressure. “Alan Lancaster, you’re going to get your shit together this instant. Or so help me, I’ll put you over my fucking knee.”

Shocked at my outburst, he looks at me like I’ve got two heads. His eyes widen like saucers, and his jaw hangs so low I could walk into his mouth on stilts.

I never used to cuss. Travis didn’t like it. Neither did my father.

But this shit calls for an Alan-level curse fest.

Perhaps being around him and the other Army vets at Redleg has influenced my language. Or maybe it’s another perk of the dreaded aging process. Manners and decorum don’t matter when you contemplate wearing a pad in case a sneeze comes out of nowhere.

Not that sneezes usually give you much notice.

But that’s not the fucking point.

The point is that this infuriating man has a daughter now, and he’s being an absolute dick nozzle about it. And don’t get me started about how he’s been snubbing poor Tomer.

After an obscenely long pause, Alan sputters, “As entertaining and oddly appealing as your offer sounds, let’s table that discussion. For now, can you please explain what shit I need to get together?”

His little joke tempts me to giggle, but I’m too incensed to let him distract me with flirty talk. “You’re screwing the pooch with Lettie.” I lean forward, arching my brow at him. “And with Tomer. Stop being emotionally stunted and act like the man I know you are.”

For a second, I’m proud of myself for using that pooch expression correctly. At least I think I did. Alan says it often. Pretty sure I got it right. Nonetheless, he gets my meaning.

He flips his open palms to the sides. “I’m doing my best, Maddie. I can’t fucking fix everything at once. Safety must come first.”

I roll my eyes and scoff. “Safety? Is that what you’re going with? I’m not surprised.”

“Yeah. Lenkov won’t stop until?—”

“Yeah, I know. We all know. And I acknowledge how incredibly important keeping everyone safe is to you. I respect you for that.” I hold out my palms. “ However . Lettie and Tomer are on the same floor of the same extremely safe building as you. Every day. For no less than eleven hours a day, often more.”

Alan’s handsome face crumples, eyes growing more severe.

My toes tap inside my ballet shoes. “Lettie’s right outside your damn office door, for goodness’ sake. They’ve been sleeping downstairs in the bunk room most nights. They are not in grave danger. You’re using safety as an excuse to keep your distance.”

“Until we stop Lenkov, everyone is in grave danger. So that’s why my top focus is on getting enough evidence to end him. Then I can figure out what to do about this personal bullshit.”

My gut twists at his dismissive words. This isn’t the man I know him to be.

“Alan, it’s not bullshit. Your attitude is precisely the problem. If you don’t adjust your mindset, you’ll never fix things with Tomer or get to know your daughter. It’ll be too late.”

“That isn’t true,” he insists. “I have to prioritize. They aren’t going anywhere. So what’s the rush?”

“Imagine how it feels to be that sweet girl. After everything she’s been through, she finally meets her father, and he essentially ignores her. You took what could be a beautiful part of her healing and shat on it. How do you think that makes her feel? And will she forgive you for it when you finally get all the way down to her on your list?”

“I’m not ignoring her. Lettie’s filling in for Peg, so I talk to her all the time.”

I skewer him with a glare. “If Peggy hadn’t suggested you offer the position to Lettie, you’d never have done it.”

“But I did do it. Lettie’s my assistant now. How the idea came doesn’t matter as much as the end result.”

Although he’s angry, he keeps his volume low. Impressive, considering the lack of coffee in his house this morning.

“Why did you give her the job, Alan? Be honest.”

He raises his pointer finger. “I needed someone to fill in for Peg.” His second and third fingers come up as he lists his reasons. “It’s an opportunity to get to know Lettie. And it also gives her something to take her mind off what happened to her.”

“Terrific. I’m so glad she can avoid thinking about her trauma by listening to your grumpy ass bark out a laundry list of shit she needs to do by the time you get into the office. All without so much as a kind word or thank you. I bet she loves that. You’re laying the foundation for a fantastic relationship.”

“I wasn’t grumpy.”

I glower and tut at him.

His face sags, and he rolls his eyes, knowing the truth. “Fine. Maybe it sounded gruff, but she knows how busy we are at Redleg. There’s no time for unnecessary pleasantries.”

Sticking my index finger in my ear, I wiggle it around dramatically. “Excuse me? Out loud, with your actual voice, did you really just say you don’t have time for pleasantries with your own flesh and blood? Especially after missing the first twenty-five years of her life? And after the horrific trauma she’s suffered?”

He groans, massaging his nape aggressively. “That’s not what I meant, Maddie. When I’m at work with her, I’m nicer.”

“Nicer?” I parrot, layers of snark painting my tone. “What a relief, considering the alternative.”

“You’re twisting my words, Maddie.”

“Fine. Let’s examine your words. You said that, aside from practical reasons, you hired Lettie so you could get to know her, right?”

“Yes.”

“Tell me what you’ve learned about her so far. What have you shared about yourself? Who are her friends? Where did she and Tomer meet and fall in love? Has she dated before? Does she want a family one day? Can she swim? Is she athletic? Where did she work before becoming your assistant? Did she go to college? What does she do for fun?”

Despite his mouth moving, nothing comes out. And that’s because there’s nothing he can say.

You’d need to have an actual conversation with someone to learn those things.

“I know most of those answers, Alan. Because I’ve spoken to her. Every day. Even if it’s only a few minutes here and there. Why don’t you know those answers? Or any others?”

He rolls his wrist, flicking his hand. “Since you know everything, why don’t you tell me?”

“Because you only gave her that job to get to know her but without... you know... actually getting to know her. It’s about easing your guilt and saving face. Nothing else.”

For the first time, his volume increases. Not a lot. Just enough to tell me I’ve touched a nerve. “That’s asinine, Maddie.”

“Oh, the hell it is, Alan. It’s exactly what’s happening. And I know it, since I’m there every day too. I’m witnessing it in real time.”

Against my will , I think but don’t say.

Instead, I barrel on. “She’s there, so no one can accuse you of ignoring her. And look at you...” I wave my hand, gesturing up and down his frame. “You’ve even convinced yourself that you’re getting to know her. I’d say the job thing is working out exactly as you’ve engineered it to.”

He paces a few steps to the right before doubling back. With his head down, he fumes, cussing under his breath.

“You know I’m right, Alan.”

“No, you’re not,” he grumbles, mostly speaking to the floor as he wears a hole in the foyer rug from his aggressive marching. Stubborn ass. “It isn’t that simple. This shit is hard as hell.”

I fling my arms to the sides, a sarcastic grin eating up my face. “Welcome to parenthood.”

He stops pacing and meets my worried gaze. Words seem to fail him, and I can’t tell if it’s because he’s still trying to argue his point or if he’s unsure what to do about this shit fuck cluster or whatever he calls it.

Is he furious at himself or me?

Some of my temper fades, quickly replaced with the old familiar fear that I’ve done something that’ll come back to me in the form of angry fists. My natural urge to defuse the tension rears its ugly face.

In a calmer tone, I offer, “It’s not too late to fix this. I can help you.”

Softer now, he continues. “Babe, I’ve got mountains of pressure on me as it is. I seriously don’t have time in my day to kiss Tomer’s ass or play twenty-questions with my daughter . Not until we get more things in motion.”

I move closer to him, daring to put myself in striking distance. There’s a tremble in my legs, but I press on.

With each step forward, I remind myself that he isn’t Travis or my father. Alan will never put his hands on me in anger.

The blood rushes behind my ears, drowning out the sound of my shaky breaths.

When I get my fear under control, I place a palm on his chest. “Alan, I’m not denying the immense pressure on you. Don’t misconstrue my concern as a dismissal of your significant responsibilities.”

He drops back a step, letting my hand fall from his chest. “Then what are you saying, Maddie? What the fuck do you want from me? How am I supposed to fix all this without failing at something else critical, resulting in more blood on my hands? How? Please fucking tell me.”

“You have to try. Make time for her. And for him. Put them on your list of priorities. You can give them fifteen minutes here and there. At a minimum, tell them how you’re feeling. Let them know that they haven’t left your thoughts, and you’ll be making time for them soon because they matter to you. Do or say something to show them you care.”

His tone loses some of the velvet I’ve come to expect when he’s this close to me. “Maddie, please don’t do this to me now. I need you to support me, not fight me. I’ve always supported you. Why aren’t you doing the same when I need you most?”

He shakes out his fists as if trying to rid the frustration from his body.

He’s doing it so he doesn’t scare me.

I love him for that more than words could ever express.

“Because I love you. And I won’t stand by while you hurt two people who matter so deeply to you. I know you’ll regret it.”

Preparing to continue, I roll my shoulders back, tilting my chin upward slightly.

It’s the opposite of how I’ve ever approached confrontation. Especially with a man who could hurt me so easily.

Shaking off the fear that wants to knock me down, I focus on the man before me. “You forcibly yanked me from a self-hating cycle of choosing toxic partners to punish myself. You never gave up on me when you could have a million times over. You made me into a woman who can stand here, look you in the eye, and tell you to stop fucking this up. You hold up everyone around you, carrying their weight on your shoulders. You took in people without families, giving them a home and showing them what it’s like to matter to someone. That’s what Redleg is, and it’s all because of you. And the man who made that happen would not let this shit with Lenkov prevent him from giving Lettie and Tomer a father. Because now is when they need you the most.”

“I hear you, Maddie. But I can’t fucking do this right now. I refuse to lose another person who’s depending on me due to my own selfish interests. If I can’t salvage my relationship with Tomer or Lettie, it’s far better than them losing their lives. I’ve learned that lesson. Now, I’ll wait for you on the porch. Get your shit. It’s time to leave.”

And he slams the door.

My heart stutters to a stop as his outburst runs repeatedly through my mind.

I refuse to lose another person who’s depending on me due to my own selfish interests.

I’ve learned that lesson.

What? How?

And more importantly, who?