Page 41 of Before We’re More Than Friends (When We Faced the Music #1)
“Our situations have totally flipped,” Raina said, hands behind her back as she looked at the stars. “But I know that moving here from Dallas hasn’t been an easy transition for you guys, even though I’ve said it a million times.”
“Yeah.” I swallowed, my body shaking. I wasn’t sure if I was going to make it through this part without throwing up my s’mores. “About that . . .”
Her head snapped toward me as if she’d been waiting for a subject change. “Yeah?”
I tried to find the words, but they were stuck in my throat. I cursed under my breath and kicked a rock.
“What’s wrong?” Raina asked. “Are you going to chicken out again?”
I never knew my mouth could drop so far, but I literally felt it hit the path below us, along with my heart, my stomach, and everything in between.
She knew.
She’d known the entire time we’d been here.
“W-when did you find out?” I stammered, my heart seconds away from falling out of my mouth. “D-did someone tell you or did you put it together yourself?”
“I would’ve connected the dots sooner if my mind hadn’t been wrecked.” Hurt was etched in her voice as she crossed her arms over her chest. “It’s like you used that to your advantage. You kept your little secret by being nice to me in real life but ghosting me online.”
She had every right to be upset, but her words still stabbed me in the heart.
“I-It’s not like that!” I promised, my adrenaline rushing all over my body.
“I wouldn’t take advantage of your pain.
But I was being selfish because I didn’t want things to change with the Chloe I knew.
I wanted to hold onto the last thing I had from Dallas. ”
“So you ghosted me when I needed you the most?” The ice in her eyes expanded, chilling me more than the winter breeze. “You let me walk around for three weeks worrying about what I’d done wrong to my pen pal while I was becoming friends with you?”
“I’m sorry.” I rolled up my sleeve to show her my bracelet on my right wrist. “I know those words sound empty, but I mean them. I thought I was doing the right thing for myself, but I wasn’t.” I stood closer to her, our faces way too close for comfort. “Nothing is right if it means hurting you.”
“I don’t understand,” she whispered. “What made you hide from me? Was it all the intrusive thoughts and dark parts of my life I shared with you? Was I just weird? Did you even still like me the same after what happened at the Saturn Frenzy?” The pain in her eyes intensified as tears trickled down her cheeks. “I want the truth.”
“I-I.” I swallowed. “I was scared to get too close to you, but it wasn’t because of anything you did.
It wasn’t because you’re imperfect, both as Chloe and as Raina, because you mean the world to me, Raina Chloe Vermont.
You’re my freaking moonlight.” A tear ran down my cheek, but I wiped it away.
“I loved you too much to want things to change.”
“But loving someone is about taking risks,” she said with a sniffle. “And there would’ve been no risk with me. We’re . . . we were friends.”
The past tense sent pain rippling through my chest. “That’s the problem,” I said, speaking louder. “We’re . . . we were friends . But that’s not what I mean when I say I loved you.”
She blinked, wiping the mascara that ran down her cheeks. “What do you mean?”
“When I said I loved you too much, I meant just that. Not just as a friend. Gosh, if it was just as a friend, meeting you in real life wouldn’t have shaken me as much as it did.”
She clutched her chest. “A-are you saying . . .”
“Yes, I am.” I scratched my forehead, knowing I couldn’t say the words right. “I hate facing change, but I also can’t lose you.”
“But can I trust you?” she said as more tears streamed down her cheeks.
“How can you expect me to trust you after lying to me? How do you know that you”—she swallowed—“feel that way about me if you were doing things that only hurt me? I understand where you were coming from, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less.
Regardless of my feelings, I wouldn’t have hurt you like this.
” She wiped her nose with her sleeve. “You don’t hurt people you love the way you’ve hurt me. ”
My lungs burned with my heavy breathing. “I-I don’t know how to put it into words. You have every reason not to trust me right now, but I promise I mean every word I say. There are no gaps.” And the gap between us still wasn’t that far apart. I could feel her breath mingle with mine.
“How do I know you’re not just saying that?” Raina asked, her voice shaking. She rolled up her sleeve to showcase her bracelet. “I’ve spent years showing you the parts of my heart I’ve never shown to anyone else—both as Raina and Chloe—but all you did was break it.”
I rolled up my sleeve to reveal my bracelet again, and I pressed my wrist against hers.
“Part of our hearts are only meant for each other to see. And I want that.” My knees wobbled like I could pass out any minute, my pulse pounding so hard that I could barely hear anything else around me. “I want us.”
“I want to believe you,” she whispered, closing the distance between us. “But I don’t know if I can.”
“I know.” I looked deep into her eyes, where the ice started to thaw. And in the worst impulse possible, I found myself leaning toward her, slowly closing my eyes until our lips were inches away from?—
“What the hell are you doing?” Raina shouted, jumping backward. “Dallas!”
I cursed. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize I was?—”
“I think we’ve said enough.” Anger crossed her features as she spun on her heel.
My chest heaved from how fast I breathed. “Raina, I’m sorry I did that, really?—”
She faced me one more time. “Stop talking to me. Please.” She whipped her head of bronze waves around and disappeared into the moonlight, leaving my heart shattered on the ground behind her. And it was what I deserved.
I put my head on my hands and sat on the ground, not caring about how dirty it was. The tears that had been building behind my eyes fell onto my flushed cheeks, and once they started flowing, they wouldn’t stop .
Who cared what Hayden, Kami, or Toby thought of my stupid confession? I wasn’t proud of myself. I hated myself. There could be a million things I could do right after this, but it didn’t matter to me anymore.
Because it didn’t erase the fact that I’d screwed everything up just to hide the inevitable.