Page 52 of Beautifully Broken

Ava Rose

I’ve lost track of how many split ends I’ve pulled apart while sinking farther into my favorite spot on the couch.

The way yesterday ended with Braiden and his text that followed kept me awake all night, watching each hour pass.

I thought I would handle it differently that time.

Staying in the moment was working, giving me hope of following through, until his hands held my hips.

Without control, my mind transported me back to the little girl held down to feel good for however long those teenage boys chose.

Shouldn’t years of therapy have helped by now?

My core brews a mix of sexual frustration and disappointment.

Every time I try, I fail. Braiden seems supportive, but he’s becoming distant with me getting him off.

The past two weeks, he’s declined blow jobs saying they’re not necessary in order for us to have a close bond.

My heart can’t handle if he’s starting to pull away, but I don’t blame him if that’s the case.

I truly don’t know if I’ll ever get past my childhood trauma, and he’s not going to go a lifetime without sex. But again, I don’t want to, either.

With a sigh, I glance down at my school textbook, knowing this upcoming paper will help distract me today.

I may be twenty, but moving out has been on the back burner.

I like being at home with the family, and they’re gone most of the day anyway.

When I graduate law school, I’ll find my own place…

or move in with Braiden if things keep going well.

The front door opens, startling me, and my mom sets her work bag down.

“Hey, Mom, how was your shift?”

We don’t need the money, given my father is part of a billion-dollar hotel chain his grandparents started, but she loves working part time in the ER as a trauma nurse.

Most of her income goes to her charity, helping children in the foster system.

Not all of them are lucky enough to find a stable family or even be provided with basic clothing and hygiene essentials.

“A typical full moon Friday night, and I had to stay late this morning.” She’s usually home just after seven, and it’s past nine.

“A huge university party happened, and kids took mixing alcohol and drugs way too far.” She walks over, sensing my closed-off position, with my arms wrapped around my drawn-up legs. “It was chaos.”

“Sounds like a lot of stomach pumping.”

With a sigh, she nods and heads to the kitchen.

“And a couple close calls.” Grabbing my favorite chocolate, she walks back over, handing me the treat and settling next to me. “How can I help you relax with whatever’s bugging you?” Chocolate for breakfast was a smart first move.

“I want to have sex with Braiden, but…”

She waits quietly while I think.

“I inevitably stop us every time his hands or mouth wander. I keep trying, but then…it’s just embarrassing.” Frustration strangles my ribs.

“He doesn’t make you feel ashamed, right?” She knows how sweet he is, but people can be different behind closed doors, and she’s doing her rightful duty by asking as a mother. It helps that she lived a similar experience in the foster system.

“No.” My voice is a little too loud. “He blames himself, like he’s the one who read the signs wrong. And now, he’s been reserved about me getting him off.” I love having this close of a relationship with my mother, but insecurity creeps in, dropping my gut.

“You’ve been to hell and back, Ava Rose. Even if your mind seems in a better place and you can talk to me about everything, it’s normal for your body to respond differently.” I’ve been openly talking to her about this since I was nine, when she figured out the cause of my frequent hospital visits.

“Or he’s losing interest and doesn’t want me to touch him.”

Her hand takes mine as she looks me directly in the eyes.

“Or he feels it’s an uneven playing field. If you can’t enjoy the pleasure, then maybe he doesn't want to, either.”

“But he’s not the one with issues to work through. I’m fine tending to his...needs… Goodness, that sounds so cheesy. ”

“Touching his dick isn’t an issue. Got it.” She smirks. “Have you told him anything so he can help you work through this or understand the situation?”

“No. Him knowing my past shouldn’t make a difference to how I react to him. He doesn’t even know I’m adopted.” The fact that I look like my mother, with blonde hair and a tall, lean body, gives no reason for people to question it.

“That man has gone above and beyond with thoughtfulness on multiple occasions.” My mother’s green eyes light up. “I swooned when he told me the picnic plans and asked for food ideas.” My cheeks heat with my smile, and I know I’m turning red.

“He truly cares about me as a person. I just don’t know how to bring up the conversation.”

“You know he’ll take you seriously and want to help.

Braiden pays attention to detail, and if he’s aware of what makes you tick, he’ll do his best to help you through it.

I don’t have a single doubt in my mind that this man would never intentionally shame you or pressure you into anything.

” She’s right. Taking a breath, I hand her a piece of chocolate.

“Him knowing might have him approach the physical part differently. Start by telling him there’s something you need to talk about.

Share what feels right in the moment, honey. ”

“I know. I guess I needed extra confirmation from you that he’s safe.” I giggle softly. “My therapist said it’s up to me to make the choice when having sex with him will happen. She can’t take my place and do the task for me.”

“And you wouldn’t want her to.” My eyes go wide as I shake my head.

“When did you know dad was the one? Like how things shifted from the platonic hooking up to him being one you couldn’t live without?

” My mom grew up dealing with her trauma in the opposite way of me.

She consented to a substantial number of guys as a means to control and numb her past, where I’ve shied away.

She’s silent for a moment, and her face softens, reliving that personal moment.

“I liked how he treated my truths.” Her eyes glass over.

“No judgment whatsoever. I didn’t realize we shifted until we already had.

” My mom glances around the room and focuses on a family photo of us at the cabin.

“I had trauma triggered, and he helped me through my panic attack. I felt he deserved an explanation.” She swallows audibly.

“Then, he kissed away every scar my body never asked for.” The end of her sentence comes out whispered as she blinks back tears.

“It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever let myself feel. ”

My throat burns as tears prickle my eyes. Hearing about my parents being intimate should activate my gag reflex, but in this moment, goosebumps paint my skin. I love my father even more than I ever thought possible.

Braiden, without a doubt, is exactly who I need to help me get through this.

“I’m going to talk to him.” Standing from the couch, my mother gets up, wrapping me in a hug.

“I love you, and you’re so strong.” She kisses the top of my head. “Alsooo, your father and I are heading out of town for the night to take your brother to his tennis match.”

“Mom...” Backing away, I try to hide my blush, getting her implication.

“Just throwing it out there.” She laughs.

After a long, scalding shower, processing how to reveal my past with Braiden, I head to swim practice early.

Knots twist in my stomach the entire drive to the pool. It’s not that I’m too scared to tell Braiden; it’s that my past might be too distracting for his training and he’ll distance himself from me.

Stop being so dramatic, Ava.

But seriously, he means so much to me, and if we can get through this together, things will be even greater. I need a distraction to calm myself down before I spend the next hour training. Watching Braiden in the pool with kids always brightens my day.

Saturday morning practices are my favorite because the pool beside me is full of rambunctious children, and Braiden is the one trying to teach and corral them.

My mouth waters as the sun reflects off the water droplets trailing down his muscles.

I’d love him to be hovering above me right about now. And watching him with kids?

So. Fucking. Hot.

My sundress stands out amongst all the staff in red swimwear.

I need to change into my team’s swim attire soon.

Leaning against a post, I continue to watch Braiden keep the kids laughing, but also focused on their instructions.

He’d make a great dad. The thought stumps me.

I’ve never thought about having my own children…

probably because I haven’t even been able to let him do anything other than kiss me.

“Morning, lovebug.” Braiden’s deep voice pulls me from my thoughts.

Is kids’ swim practice over already?

Staring up at him, he leans forward, placing his forearm above my head against the pillar.

“Your curves are looking extremely delicious in this dress.”

I inhale fully as his words bring on that tingly feeling between my legs.

He smiles, seeing my reaction as my cheeks flush hot. Pressing a kiss to my nose, he says, “Your naked face is beautiful.” Then his eyes flick down to my cleavage, which has him swallowing roughly. Going from sweet to hot in an instant.

“You thinking about all of me naked now?” I taunt.

“Could ask you the same,” he hums, eyebrow quirked.

Biting my bottom lip, I take in his muscles and stare at his shorts, knowing what’s beneath them. I don’t care if people are around. I’m shamelessly eye-fucking him and want everyone to know he’s mine.

“Don’t look at me like that in public.” His smirk reaches his eyes. “These shorts are tight and there are children around.”

It’s easier to flirt instead of facing what I need to. Then again, in order to fully enjoy him the way I want, I need to take charge. My chest rises with a deep breath.

“Can you come over tonight?” Keeping my composure is a fight. I can hear the tremble in my voice from nerves. “I think it’s time I fill you in about something I never talk about.”

There. It’s out in the open that there’s something to address. I want to puke.

His body relaxes instead of my assumption that a “we need to talk” phrase would strike fear in him.

“I’m always happy to give you my full attention and learn more about you.

” The backs of his knuckles gently brush my cheek.

“I’ll bring dinner over for us. Will Adam, Lauren, and your brother be around?

” I know he’s asking about food inventory for my family.

He’s not hinting to see if we have the place to ourselves.

Braiden would show up with extra food since he really is that amazing of a person .

“It’ll be just us. I’m fine cooking or picking something up.” I giggle, but I seriously appreciate him. “You don’t have to always be the one feeding me.”

“I want to take care of you, Ava Rose. I enjoy spending time and money on you.”

Once again, he has me swooning. But then my phone dings, reminding me of why I’m here.

“Have fun at practice. I’ll see you tonight, lovebug.” His lips meet mine, and my heart picks up pace. Too soon, he pulls away with a smirk, knowing exactly how he’s made me feel.

And now, I’m even more determined to work through this.