Page 379 of Alchemised

“You’re mine,” she said, heart pounding unsteadily against her ribs. “Did you really think I would still hate you once I remembered?” She shook her head. “Even before I did, you were the only thing that ever felt safe. I thought I was going mad, but a part of me always knew you. I left a note. Didn’t you get my note? I love you.”

He flinched as if struck and started to shake his head, but she stilled him, forcing him to meet her eyes.

“I do,” she said more firmly, her voice shaking with intensity. “I love you. And I always will. Always.”

She rose up on her toes, pulling him closer, and kissed him.

He stayed frozen when her lips touched his.

“I love you,” she said the words against his mouth, as if breathing them into him.

He was still a moment longer and then shook, his palms cradling her face, fingers tangled in her hair, pulling her closer, his mouth burning as he kissed her.

He kissed her like he was starving. As though he were trying to pour himself into her or consume her.

He’s mine. He is all mine, was all she could think. She wrapped her arms around his neck, meeting every caress of his lips on hers.

He drew back just enough to speak, his palm curved around the nape of her neck, his forehead resting on hers.

“I’m sorry—I’m sorry—I’m so sorry for everything I did to you,” he said, his voice hoarse and broken. “I love you. You left, and I’d never told you.”

HELENA SPENT HER DAYS SCRIBBLING notes, going through every book and scrap of information she could find, trying to make sense of the piecemeal array concepts that Shiseo had collected. She remembered now about Wagner and her repeated attempts at making sense of his amateur array sketch.

The task of reconstructing it felt impossible, but it was the only thing she could think to do, the only solution she could envision. Upon request, Kaine provided her with the complete works of Cetus, all the various letters and florilegia, all those centuries of writings dubiously attributed to him. She hoped that if she could work out which were legitimate, she might have a better understanding of his alchemy methods.

As she worked, she ignored the nagging fear that it was all pointless, that she was delusional; if she hadn’t been able to find a solution before, what chance did she have of solving it now? She kept working; there simply could not be a future in which she left Kaine behind to die.

She dragged her mind forcefully from where she had constricted and suffocated it in order to accept the empty tedium she’d limited her memories to, but the effort gave her such headaches she could only work for short periods.

She woke one morning to the servants gathering up all her books and research and ferrying them into a room which adjoined hers. The doorway between the two had always been locked in the past. Kaine was standing by the bed.

“Stroud is coming today,” he said. “I have to insert the nullium.”

Helena’s mouth went dry. “Of course,” she said, forcing herself to hold out her hands, and not to flinch as the tubes slid into her wrists, her resonance vanishing. She knew it wasn’t his fault, but a sick sense of betrayal swept through her as she stared down at her hobbled hands.

She curled back into bed, her heart pounding with dread, trying to rub the nauseating dead sensation from her wrists as Kaine left to escort Stroud in.

“Look who’s conscious again,” Stroud said as she entered. “The High Reeve was very concerned about you. I think he expected you to die. Seems you did listen to your father in the end.”

Kaine’s jaw clenched, and he made no attempt to hide his disdain for Stroud. “Perhaps focus on the reason for your visit.”

Stroud sucked her teeth, setting her satchel on the table beside the bed and leaning over Helena, prodding with finger and resonance.

“Well, it seems the sickness has passed. She’s beginning to regain some weight.” She pressed several fingers against Helena’s forehead but used only the smallest frisson of energy, tsking. “Her brain is still severely inflamed, though. I wouldn’t depend too much on those memories surviving the rest of the pregnancy. The most severe Toll generally happens at the end, assuming this child is what we hope.”

Stroud was focused on Helena, or she would have seen Kaine go grey.

“Now that she’s eating, you need to make sure she’s getting outdoors and exercising. The weaker she is, the less likely we’ll achieve viability.”

Stroud let go of Helena and reached into her satchel, pulling out a resonance screen. “Now let’s see how things look.”

She pulled the blankets down and Helena’s clothes up. Kaine turned away.

“Very healthy,” Stroud said with a smug smile, nodding at the vaguely pulsing shape visible in the gas. “It doesn’t appear the coma or fits had any impact on the foetal development. That would be quite unfortunate. I think we’re far enough along that I can …”

Stroud squinted, and the screen morphed, the shape stretching and ballooning. Stroud’s face suddenly fell.

“It’s female.”