Page 378 of Alchemised

It was dusk, the light soft when the door opened and Kaine stood there as if he wasn’t even sure he should step over the threshold.

Helena looked up from the folio, hating the space.

“Had I told you I was sterilised?”

He entered then, shutting the door. “No, but I assumed. It was standard practice for the Faith. It was one of my father’s greatest concerns if I were ever found using vivimancy—that they’d cut me and end the family line.”

“Oh.”

She was glad they’d never had that conversation, then.

His jaw clenched. “It hadn’t occurred to me that Stroud could reverse it. I thought you were safe from the program.”

Her hands crept towards her stomach. “I want to talk about what you said earlier, before you left.”

His expression closed.

Helena’s chest tightened. There were too many moments, both past and present, when he’d looked at her like that. She closed her eyes, trying to block them out.

“Can you come closer?” Her mouth had gone dry. “It’s hard to talk when you’re so far away.”

It was clear that he didn’t want to be anywhere near her for this conversation, but she needed him near.

She stared at her hands. “I didn’t realise you expected me to terminate the pregnancy when I escaped. I mean, I understand why you would, but I’m not going to.”

She looked up, trying to gauge his reaction, but he wasn’t looking at her.

“You may change your mind once you’re free,” he said, his voice void of emotion, as if it had nothing to do with him.

She shook her head. “I won’t.”

His jaw ticced, tension growing visible around his eyes. “There’s no reason to make any commitment like this to me.” His voice shook. “Do whatever you want.”

“I am,” she said. “And I want you to know. If I didn’t, I’d wonder about everything. If our baby would get your eyes or mine. What kind of resonance they’d have. If they’d have any, or if they’d just get to be ordinary.” She was speaking quickly, because her throat was growing thick. “I’d wonder if they’d have hair like mine or if it would be straight like yours. If I have to go without you—if you—if you die—I’d want to tell them all about you.” She swallowed hard. “I’ve never gotten to tell anyone about you. I’d want someone to know what you were like.”

He looked at her then.

“What I’m like?” he finally said. “What exactly do you think I’m like?” he scoffed, shaking his head. “You have a chance at a new life. Don’t drag my memory with you.”

Helena shook her head, and his expression hardened, everything about him sharpening.

“Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with one of the Undying’s bastards chained to you?” he asked. “The whole world knows you’re here, who you were sent to. Do you think they won’t guess who the father was and how it came to be? No matter what colour eyes it has, or how old it gets, it will be the child of a murderer, conceived because I raped you while you were my prisoner, and everyone will know that. Everyone.”

His face was furious, his fingers curling as if he wanted to shake her, but he turned away, his expression contorting.

“Just leave it behind.” He drew a ragged breath. “You want children? Have them with someone else.”

She stared at him, incredulous. “Is that what you think I’m going to do? Run away and pretend you were a monster I was lucky to escape?”

He glanced at her, empty resignation in his face before he looked away again. “It’s the truth.”

Her chest constricted, crushing her heart.

“Kaine …” She reached towards him. “You’re not a monster. You didn’t have any choice. Neither of us—we were both raped.”

He jerked away, evading her fingers. “Don’t.”

She stepped forward and caught his face in her hands, holding on to him.