Page 242 of Alchemised

“If you really want the Eternal Flame to win, why keep climbing rank? What are you doing?” she asked.

His eyes shone like mirrors. She could almost see herself in their reflection. His mouth twisted into a mocking smile. If his face weren’t still wet, she’d never have known he’d been crying.

“It was obvious that my offer was only accepted out of desperation. The Eternal Flame may claim to be honourable, but Crowther is a snake. Ilva Holdfast can promise whatever she wants; she’s only a steward, and a Lapse at that. She knows full well that if they win, the Eternal Flame will pick and choose which of her actions were legitimate. Anything Holdfast doesn’t like will vanish like smoke. I assumed that once I’d outlived my usefulness, you’d blow my cover to take advantage of the instability it would cause. So.” His teeth flashed. “I tried to position myself to maximise that fallout.”

Helena furrowed her eyebrows, studying him. That seemed a bit too selfless for him. He might want to avenge his mother, but he had no fondness for the Eternal Flame. They were merely a means to an end.

“Why kiss me?” he abruptly asked. “What was the point—in all this?”

She looked down, not sure she had an answer. “I didn’t know you were supposed to die after we retook the ports. Apparently it was obvious, but I didn’t realise.”

Kaine gave a deadened laugh.

She couldn’t meet his eyes as she spoke. “They expected you to die from the array, and they were—waiting for that. When they realised you’ve been climbing rank, they assumed you’ve been playing the two sides against each other, so you’ll be the one who comes out on top in the end.”

“Did you think that?” he asked softly.

She swallowed hard, still not meeting his eyes. “No, but it doesn’t really matter what I think. They said just before solstice that I had a month to”—her voice dropped, lower than a whisper—“make you crawl or kill you, or they’d let Morrough do it instead.”

He laughed again. “One more meeting to go, then. So this was a goodbye fuck? Final payment for services rendered?”

A tremor ran through Helena. “No. I—I just—”

Her throat closed. She leaned forward, gripping his shirt, wanting to shake him. She hated the way he’d switch, one moment vulnerable and the next so bitterly cruel.

“I just have to prove that you’ll do what I ask. If I can—they won’t kill you.” She studied his face desperately.

His eyebrows rose mockingly. “Really? Is that all? Just servitude and I’ll get to continue this delightful existence of mine so long as I’m more useful alive than dead? That’s so generous. How could I possibly refuse?”

Her grip loosened, and she gave a disbelieving laugh.

He didn’t want to be saved. Her efforts had only made things worse. All because Ilva and Crowther hadn’t told her, they’d made her believe it was all real, but it didn’t matter—it had never mattered whether she believed it—because Kaine had always known.

She drew a slow breath trying to reorient herself, but her mind wouldn’t comprehend it.

It couldn’t end like this. She’d done what she’d been told to do. She’d followed orders. She wasn’t supposed to have to make this choice.

“I—I have to follow orders. I can’t choose you. There’s too many people at stake,” she said, her voice shaking.

“I know.”

Her mouth opened and closed, but there was nothing else to say.

“All right,” she finally managed, her voice far away. She felt as though she’d been knifed, reality cold as tempered steel driven into her heart.

“Do you—” Her voice broke. “Do you want it to be me? Or does it—not matter?”

She knew Ilva probably wanted the Stone back if it could be recovered, but she couldn’t bring herself to care.

He scoffed. “You lost your chance.”

Her throat worked several times before she could speak. “I’m sorry.”

He didn’t reply. There was not even a flicker of remorse in his eyes. He looked cruelly satisfied.

There was no air in the room. She kept trying to breathe, but there wasn’t any oxygen. A dull ringing filled her ears. She looked blindly for her satchel, trying to remember where she’d left it. She knelt, wavering, willing her mind to function.

“So, what happens to you now?”