Page 366 of Alchemised

“It’s all right,” he said. “Give it a minute. It’ll pass.”

She felt him inhale as she kept jerking in his arms.

“Did quite a number to that brain of yours.” His voice was calm. “All your transmuted barriers are coming apart now. It’ll pass.”

Her throat contracted, and every tendon and muscle inside her body seemed to be drawn inwards, threatening to snap. He’d said it would pass but it wasn’t passing.

“Just a little longer,” he said.

Her head finally stopped jerking, and her body went limp in his arms, mind hazy and disjointed. He picked her up. Her bones jutted out, the joints pressing against him as he placed her back onto the bed, tucking her under the duvet. She wanted to protest, but her jaw was rigid, mouth refusing to move properly.

There was a reason he shouldn’t hold her. She didn’t want him to, but she couldn’t remember why anymore. Yet she was terrified that if he let go, he’d disappear into the dark and leave her there alone.

He moved quietly around the bed and lit a candle, sorting through a tray of vials beside the bed. The dim light flickered between them.

“You’ve been unconscious for a week,” he said without looking up, as if he could feel her watching him. “You—” He stopped, lips pressed together as he inhaled. “You had a seizure and wouldn’t wake afterwards. A-Apparently you’ve been subconsciously maintaining all those barriers inside your brain. All this time. When you got pregnant—the Toll from it all was too much. Burned yourself out.”

Pregnant? She’d forgotten that she was pregnant. A panicked rasping gasp shook her as it came back to her. The baby that Morrough wanted. She’d just lain there and let it happen and—

“Why—” One word was all she could manage.

Kaine wavered, eyes darting from the items in front of him to her. He set them down and leaned over.

“Look at me. I know you want to remember everything, but your mind has to stabilise; everything is fragile right now.” His eyes were imploring. “It will make sense eventually.”

He didn’t use resonance as he spoke. It would have made things worse if he had. Just being close to him, her body intuitively calmed even though she remembered so vividly all the ways he’d hurt her inside this cold prison of a house.

A tremor ran through her.

“It’s just a little longer,” he said, “and this will all be over.”

She had so many questions, though. What happened? Why didn’t you come? Why did you hurt me? Why did you rape me?

Why did you become High Reeve?

“Why—” Her voice broke. “—why did you kill everyone?”

He seemed startled by the question, as if he’d expected one of the others. “I was trying to find you.”

Her heart stalled, body and mind torn between horror and relief.

“You looked for me?” Her voice cracked.

A look of anguish flashed across his eyes. “Of course I looked for you. I looked everywhere for you. Did you think I left you there?”

She tried to remember what she’d thought. “I was supposed to be interrogated. There was so much of you in my head. I thought, if I didn’t remember, they wouldn’t be able to find you. No one ever came. I thought everyone must be dead.”

He looked as though she’d gutted him and stepped back, turning away from her.

“I looked for you everywhere. In the wreckage first, then Central and the Outpost, but you’d disappeared. There was a transfer slip about a person of interest captured near West Port, and you’d been listed as too injured for rehabilitation and culled. I went through all the dead trying to find you, but you weren’t there. I went through every prison, every file, but you’d disappeared, so I volunteered to track down anyone missing. I thought eventually something would lead to you.” His jaw clenched. “I had to bring them all back. If I’d failed, the job would have been reassigned.”

He didn’t meet her eyes as he said this, staring across the room. “I went to Hevgoss quite a few times. Thought maybe you’d somehow ended up there. I was even in that warehouse once, checking all the files there for anyone who might match your description. But I didn’t open the tanks so—”

His jaw trembled visibly, and he didn’t say anything else—just turned back to sorting through the tray.

“Why didn’t you assume I was dead?” she asked.

His hands stilled. “I had to know.”