Page 163 of Alchemised

“Considering it in that light, then there’s only one thing I can think of that would make Morrough seem weak enough for the other countries to finally attack.”

He gave a smooth shrug. “I’d hardly consider you well-apprised about the current political climate. Just because you can only think of one thing doesn’t mean that nothing else exists.”

She met his eyes. “Why don’t you tell me what you’re planning, then? And we can see if I’m missing something.”

He cocked his head, a freezing, mocking intensity suddenly surfacing. “Which part of ‘it doesn’t concern you’ do you not understand? Has the meaning of one of those words slipped your mind? Should I bring a dictionary, perhaps?”

Her throat tightened, her fingers spasming. He was always cruellest when he was vulnerable.

She met his eyes. “If you had a way to weaken or kill Morrough, you would have done it already. You wouldn’t have—” Her throat closed.

“I wouldn’t be—pregnant. Which means there’s something preventing you from doing it.

And it’s me, isn’t it? You’re waiting until I’m gone, because it won’t matter then if Morrough knows you’re a traitor, because you’ll be dead.

Because that’s the only way left to weaken Morrough, losing the High Reeve. ”

He stood unmoving a moment longer, and then the facade fell. He gave a long sigh.

“I had really hoped the library would keep you busy for at least a week,” he said, looking exhausted.

Helena waited for him to explain himself, but he didn’t.

“That’s your plan?” Her voice rose, trembling with disbelief. “All this time and you’ve gone with the same plan of hiding me somewhere and getting yourself killed as a traitor, and you think I’ll be all right with it?”

He gave a laugh so low, it hummed in her bones.

“Do you have a better solution for us this time, too?” he asked quietly.

“After all, not every single horror that I’ve ever imagined has happened to you yet.

Losing you and spending fourteen months trying and failing to find you.

Finally getting you back, tortured and broken.

Keeping you prisoner—the transference—raping you—” His voice was growing raw with grief and rage.

He had gone white, that scalding gleaming white. “Is this not enough? There are, undoubtedly, still unexplored depths to the potential misery between us. Shall we endeavour to achieve all of it?”

She was silent. There was so much she wanted to say, but finding a way to begin, to reconcile it, felt impossible. Her mind was too small now, too simple to contain it. If she tried, it would shatter.

He released a sharp breath, and his expression closed, the gleam vanishing. His jaw trembled. “This is the best I can do, Helena. I’m sorry, I know it’s never been enough for you.”

“Kaine—” His name came out jagged.

He sighed, resting a hand against the doorframe as though it were propping him up. “I know you want to save everyone; you always do. Unfortunately, that’s not a talent I possess. At least this way you’ll see the war ended. I can give you that.”

“No!” she said forcefully.

He looked up at her, his face hardening. “You always said you wouldn’t choose me over everyone else. I am chained to a sinking ship. I will not take you with me.”

“I was lying!” The words came out a scream. “I didn’t—I couldn’t—I wasn’t g-g—”

She gasped for air, clutching at her chest. Her heart was pounding so unevenly, it wouldn’t let her breathe. She pressed one hand hard against her sternum, ignoring the pain that shot through her arm. The room swam.

Kaine’s fury vanished, and he came towards her hesitantly, kneeling as if she were a skittish animal. He gently took her by the shoulders, holding her upright.

“Helena … breathe. Please. You have to breathe.” His eyes were pleading.

She remembered him. This. That they were like this once. She grasped at him, fingers clutching at his shoulder, her forehead meeting his.

“Please breathe,” he kept saying, the weight of his hands on her shoulders grounding her until her chest stopped spasming.

“There has to be another way,” she said, when she could speak again.

“We said we’d run away together. Remember?

Why can’t we run away? You said you travelled; we could run and I’ll find a way to reverse what happened to you.

The other countries will deal with Morrough if you’re gone. Why can’t we do that?”

“I would have already taken you away if I could’ve. Morrough allowed me to have my phylactery while I was hunting fugitives, but he—grew suspicious last year. That’s why it has to be Shiseo who takes you.”

She shook her head. “No …”

He took her hand in his. “You promised me whatever I wanted if I saved Bayard for you, remember? Well, here is what I want. I want you to leave this accursed country behind and go live a whole life somewhere far away. You swore to Holdfast that you’d protect Lila and his heir.

I expect that promise will keep you busy for a long time. ”

“I promised to take care of you first,” she said, snatching her hand back. “Always. I promised you always. If you’d gotten your way, you would have sent me off, and I wouldn’t have even remembered you. Wouldn’t have had any idea until it was too late—”

“Well.” His voice was strained. “The last time I was honest with you, you disappeared and never came back.”

She flinched, and her breathing stalled again. “But I tried. I was—I was coming back. I tried to—”

“I know you did. You were quite the force of destruction, if the reports were anything to go by. If my father hadn’t been there, and you hadn’t realised, you might have escaped. I know you tried.” He drew back. “But it wasn’t enough in the end, and that wasn’t your fault, it’s just the way it is.”

She gripped him, not letting him pull away, keeping his face close to hers. “But what if we’d been there together? If we’d saved Lila together, it could have all been different. Why can’t we work together now?”

Something flashed across his face, and he just looked at her, eyebrows drawn together. She realised the absurdity of her question. Because she was not even that person anymore; she was little more than a ghost.

He just looked down. “We have a long goodbye in front of us. I don’t want to fight you, but I will not do anything that puts you at further risk.”

“Let me try to find another way,” she said. “If I could research, there might be something we haven’t considered yet.”

He was silent. She watched him weighing the costs and the risks, and finally he sighed.

“I will let you try under two conditions. If your health deteriorates from the stress, you will stop, and when Shiseo arrives, regardless of how close you think you are to a breakthrough or an answer, you will go without making me force you. You won’t trick or manipulate me again; you will say goodbye, and you will go. ” He met her eyes. “Do you agree?”

Helena swallowed hard. “One condition.”

His jaw ticced. “What?”

“Don’t lie to me anymore. I don’t want to wonder, every time, whether you’re telling the truth.”