Page 374 of Alchemised

“Please breathe,” he kept saying, the weight of his hands on her shoulders grounding her until her chest stopped spasming.

“There has to be another way,” she said, when she could speak again. “We said we’d run away together. Remember? Why can’t we run away? You said you travelled; we could run and I’ll find a way to reverse what happened to you. The other countries will deal with Morrough if you’re gone. Why can’t we do that?”

“I would have already taken you away if I could’ve. Morrough allowed me to have my phylactery while I was hunting fugitives, but he—grew suspicious last year. That’s why it has to be Shiseo who takes you.”

She shook her head. “No …”

He took her hand in his. “You promised me whatever I wanted if I saved Bayard for you, remember? Well, here is what I want. I want you to leave this accursed country behind and go live a whole life somewhere far away. You swore to Holdfast that you’d protect Lila and his heir. I expect that promise will keep you busy for a long time.”

“I promised to take care of you first,” she said, snatching her hand back. “Always. I promised you always. If you’d gotten your way, you would have sent me off, and I wouldn’t have even remembered you. Wouldn’t have had any idea until it was too late—”

“Well.” His voice was strained. “The last time I was honest with you, you disappeared and never came back.”

She flinched, and her breathing stalled again. “But I tried. I was—I was coming back. I tried to—”

“I know you did. You were quite the force of destruction, if the reports were anything to go by. If my father hadn’t been there, and you hadn’t realised, you might have escaped. I know you tried.” He drew back. “But it wasn’t enough in the end, and that wasn’t your fault, it’s just the way it is.”

She gripped him, not letting him pull away, keeping his face close to hers. “But what if we’d been there together? If we’d saved Lila together, it could have all been different. Why can’t we work together now?”

Something flashed across his face, and he just looked at her, eyebrows drawn together. She realised the absurdity of her question. Because she was not even that person anymore; she was little more than a ghost.

He just looked down. “We have a long goodbye in front of us. I don’t want to fight you, but I will not do anything that puts you at further risk.”

“Let me try to find another way,” she said. “If I could research, there might be something we haven’t considered yet.”

He was silent. She watched him weighing the costs and the risks, and finally he sighed. “I will let you try under two conditions. If your health deteriorates from the stress, you will stop, and when Shiseo arrives, regardless of how close you think you are to a breakthrough or an answer, you will go without making me force you. You won’t trick or manipulate me again; you will say goodbye, and you will go.” He met her eyes. “Do you agree?”

Helena swallowed hard. “One condition.”

His jaw ticced. “What?”

“Don’t lie to me anymore. I don’t want to wonder, every time, whether you’re telling the truth.”

CHAPTER 68

Maius 1789

AS SOON AS HE’D AGREED, KAINE STOOD, letting go.

“It’s late. You should rest,” he said. “Tomorrow I’ll see what I can find. I think Shiseo collected some things for you.”

“Wait,” she said quickly, grasping at him, the equilibrium threatening to vanish as the physical space between them reopened. “Don’t—don’t go.”

He looked at her sharply before that feigned look of detachment slid back into place. “Why?”

Her fingers curled into a fist. “Whenever you leave, I never feel sure of what—what version of you will come back. My memories—they’re all out of order, and it gets confusing. You’re always so—so cold when you’re out of reach.”

His hand spasmed as it vanished behind his back. “What would you like me to do, then?” he asked, the words seeming forced.

“I want you to stay,” she said, her voice a whisper.

She stood up and went towards her bed. It was as she passed him that she slid firmly back into the present, but not this present.

She was going to the bed, and he was taking off his coat to drape over the sofa. She would lie down and look at the canopy and try to stay still …

She froze midstep, lungs closing until she was suffocating and her head throbbed, threatening to split it apart.

How would they ever fix this?