Page 328 of Alchemised

He wasn’t looking at her; he was staring towards the blazing light of the Alchemy Tower. “I’m sure you realised: My trip was a diplomatic mission. We went to establish a formal alliance with Hevgoss, proprietary alchemical research in exchange for their mercenary forces.”

“We guessed it was that.”

“The new Hevgotian ambassador is—partial to my company. Keeping him entertained is my primary responsibility for the moment. Does Crowther have any outstanding orders?”

She shook her head. “No. We’ve been waiting to see what happened. He’ll want a report, but that’s all for now.”

His eyes narrowed. “There’s nothing?” There was a tension in his voice.

“Not yet. You just got back.”

Rather than look relieved, his eyes got that strained look that appeared when he was sure she was injured and he just didn’t know; he drew back, looking her over. “What happened?”

She furrowed her eyebrows, shaking her head. “Nothing.”

He didn’t believe her, she could tell. Panic was creeping across his features. She wished she’d come up with some errand for him; he was clearly certain that something must have happened to her for him to be given any reprieve. She sighed and caught his hand.

“After Althorne and Ilva died, I told Crowther that you were being overutilised, and I made him agree not to put so much on you.”

He scoffed. “And he just agreed to that?”

“No. I made a deal with him. Because of the obsidian and the Council being less stable, he’s vulnerable, he needs someone, and I told him that could be me, but only if I got to approve your orders from now on.”

Instead of looking relieved, he snatched his hand away from her.

“You did what?” He spat the question. “You thought that would help me? That is the last thing I want.”

A stab of exhausted, furious hurt cut through her. “Why? Is protection exclusively your right? Am I supposed to sit around while you win the war for me? Is that how you see this?” She gestured furiously between them.

“That was the deal,” he snapped.

“Well, I didn’t agree to that. Besides, I’m not doing anything dangerous. I’m not even allowed to go outside anymore.”

He stared at her, enraged.

“Kaine—don’t be like this.”

He didn’t budge. The space between them was ice-cold, as though all their ghosts surrounded them. They were both drenched in the dead.

The war was an abyss that took everything and was never satisfied. There was always more required. Another life. An additional measure of blood. Be better. Smarter. More ruthless. Quicker. More cunning. Accept a second portion of pain.

It was never enough.

Helena had nothing left to sacrifice. Everything remaining would cost too much to lose. Yet she was expected to be docile and cooperative, a comforting possession, and she was not.

She swallowed bitterly. “What did you expect me to do?”

“I don’t want you in this fucking war.” The rage in his voice was raw. “All I do is worry about what will happen to you if I fail to meet all requirements. If you get captured, you have no idea what they’ll—”

“I do know,” she snapped, cutting him off. “What do you think I do with all my time? I heal the people the Undying don’t manage to kill. Everyone—everyone from the lab near the East Port, I treated them—watched them die. They all died. I am so aware of the risks, I think sometimes that I will go mad from knowing them. Why do you think I fight so hard?”

Her voice splintered. She turned away, despair clawing through her. She’d told herself that it would all be better once he was back. That she’d breathe again.

But all she felt was renewed terror, the feeling that everything was crumbling, and she couldn’t stop it until she was left living every second bracing herself, unable to enjoy even the moments they had.

“I’ll tell Crowther you’re back.” Her voice was empty. “And let you know what he wants.”

She wanted to vanish. She was so tired of everything, of begging him not to get caught, not to die, to come back to her. Of trying to convince herself that a promise meant anything in a war like this.