Page 20 of Absolution

“It’s still weird for me. Being dead…”

Seiran waved a hand at me. “But you’re not really. I’ve seen plenty of dead. Vampires are something else. Magic? I can feel it through the earth whatever it is that animates you guys. I think you have to get out of that mindset. You’re reborn as something different. But dead is dead. Dead is unmoving, rotting, reclaimed by the earth.”

“Which just proves the dead thing. Since you feel me through the earth.”

“I feel it from regular people too. Different, but not all that different. A vampire’s connection to the earth is stronger.”

“Are you saying I still have a soul?” I’d wondered about that. The whole church thing had been part of that morbid curiosity. Growing up with the extremes of Christianity had really warped my head in a lot of ways. It was a constant battle, the right and wrong of things like sex, blood, and death. All things that had become part of who I was now.

“Maybe? I think it’s more complicated than that. We consider it your spirit, but even that is a mild term compared to what I feel in the links bound to the earth. When someone passes, sometimes the spirit stays. Not like a ghost, but energy. Strong energy. Our theology is that the earth reabsorbs the spirit to continue its growth. So, if you still have spirit bound to your flesh then you’re alive, aren’t you?”

I thought about that for a minute. Maybe the whole blood thing was an attraction to that energy. Maybe vampires scented it instead of felt it like Seiran did. “This is so confusing.”

“Life?”

Well yeah, if that’s what I was truly doing. Unlife sounded stupid. “I guess.”

“Love is complicated too,” Seiran sighed. “Doesn’t conquer all, and all that shit.” Were he and Gabe having problems? “But you’ll be open to someone, right? Live beyond what Matthew did to you.” His voice hitched a little when he said Matthew’s name. “Do you think I feel any different about the way he abused me? That I don’t know the number he did on your head? He left you wounded and you are refusing to heal.”

It wasn’t about Matthew. He was ancient history. Wasn’t he? I was undead now, but still Sam. And who would want me. Fuck itwasstill about Matthew. Damn him. I hoped he was suffering in the foulest pits of hell. “I’m so messed up.”

“Aren’t we all,” Sei joked. “Now you have a hot guy who’s waiting downstairs to go out with you in a normal sort of way. Maybe he’s not the one. But you’ll never know if you don’t try.” He pushed himself up off the bed. “He even promised to not push for sex, which is probably unheard of for a guy like Luca. That guy is sex on two legs. Whatever reason he volunteered to be yourciboisn’t from some sort of obligation or trick.”

“You can’t know that. For all we know Max put him up to this to get closer to you.”

“Right. ‘Cause I have so many secrets? And I share them with you?” He had a point, but Luca had been sitting at the counter in Gabe’s apartment. “You’re attractive. Get over it. Maybe he’s got an Asian guy kink.” Sei wriggled his eyebrows at me.

“You’re a dork, Ronnie.”

“I’m okay with that.”

I sighed. Fine whatever. It was just a date. “I’ve never really been on a date before. Matthew just took me somewhere to fuck. Roman just fed on me and locked me in a tower like some damn princess.” Crap this was all fucked up. “I need to move on.”

“I agree. And there’s no better time to start than right now.” He yanked me up from the bed and shoved me toward his closet. “Let’s give him a bit of a show. Let him wine and dine you like a proper gentleman should.”

“Seems unfair if I’m not going to have sex with him?”

“Ever?”

I shrugged. Maybe someday. “Not tonight.”

“Anticipation is good. Gabe does that to me all the time. Sends me naughty texts or voicemails while I’m working. Had to wait months to get into his pants the first time. I thought I would die before it finally happened.”

“Oh the hardship,” I teased.

Seiran’s smile was radiant. “Yeah, he’d be perfect if only he talked more. And I think this unrest with you is making him grumpy ‘cause he’s been in a terrible mood the past few weeks.”

“Sorry.”

“Whatever. It’s my problem not yours.” Sei clapped his hands. “Now I need to find you something to wear that isn’t black and screaming Goth.”

“I’m not Goth. I’m a vampire.”

“So is Gabe and he never wears black.”

He was also pale, blond, and looked washed out in black. He had two thousand years to figure out what looked good on him and what didn’t. I was still nineteen and perpetually awkward. “I don’t own anything else. Just T-shirts and jeans.” Most in black.

“Good thing I do and we are about the same size.” He began pulling things from his closet and pressed them against me murmuring to himself. He made me change twice before nodding and smiling. The pants were snug, and bright purple. The shirt he’d chosen was full-sleeved and high collared, but thin and pale lavender. Every nook and cranny of my chest was visible through the shirt—nipples and the tiny bit of belly that made me frown. “You have great arms. Good muscle tone,” Sei remarked.