Page 8 of A Letter in the Wind (Mayhem and Scandal Collection #1)

Darcy’s heart hammered in his chest. He feared it was so loud Elizabeth could hear it. Drums beat loudly in his head as his pulse throbbed. Underneath his gloves, his palms sweat. He took a deep breath.

“I can see that to you, it looks identical,” he acknowledged. “In both instances, I was wrong. I criticised you without knowing you at all. I simply did not want to dance and took it out on you.” He glanced away. He could not look at her and speak of how he had once said she was not beautiful. His words came out in a rush. “I would have said the same no matter who Bingley pointed out. Unfortunately, I do not think I would have been so mistaken with another lady. It took me hearing only one of your conversations before I realised what a worthy dance partner you would be. You are witty and vivacious. Somehow, that made you beautiful.”

She said nothing, and he cleared his throat. “On the other hand, I had known your sister for many weeks. I tried to look at her with objective eyes, not those of displeasure.”

“Would you have liked it if Mr Bingley married Jane?” Elizabeth asked. “Be honest, sir. You would have fought against the match. I am not above that myself, as I hoped to dissuade Charlotte from marrying my cousin. But I would not say that I was objective as I had already made up my mind. Likewise, you had already decided we were not good enough, and you had better expectations for your friend.”

“I cannot refute that,” he acknowledged. “I will admit that I was quite wrong and mistakenly believed I was impartial. I had thought that I could observe your sister without prejudice. After all, I was not enamoured with her. Indeed, I have never been blinded by love. Bingley had relied on me to advise him on romantic situations in the past.”

“You have never had your reason clouded by love?” Elizabeth asked. “What about your family?”

Darcy gulped. “I respect them. I owe them my loyalty and have a duty to uphold the family legacy. However, I do not think I have ever loved them so nonsensically that I could ignore blatant wrongs.”

Elizabeth’s brows rose in challenge. “Then, you agree that Lady Catherine is a conceited, insufferable woman.”

“Certainly.”

Elizabeth scoffed and rolled her eyes. “Do you not see that you emulate her? It must be a family trait to be so condescending.”

“That is plausible” he admitted. “I fear we have ventured far from the topic. I desire to apologise to you. I have not done so directly, so allow me to address it clearly now.” He put his hands behind his back so he could fiddle with his fingers without her scrutiny. “I was wrong to interfere with Bingley’s interest in your sister. I was mistaken in understanding her feelings. I am sorry for the hurt that has caused her. I also regret the pain that you and your entire family have experienced. I fooled myself into believing that friendship motivated my actions.”

Some of the fire left Elizabeth’s eyes, and she relaxed her frame a little. “Why do you care so much about who he marries anyway? Charlotte’s choice displeased me, but I had understood it was her mistake to make.”

He rubbed his thumb and forefingers together behind his back. Could he dare entrust Elizabeth with pieces of his story? His mouth dried just thinking about it. He forced words to come out. “I have witnessed the effects of an unequal alliance. Indeed, while the parties seemed to nitpick about who was better connected and had more income, it was nothing compared to the imbalance in their affections. I would spare Bingley that pain. I thought, too, of potential offspring. No child should be brought up in such a home.”

“I am sorry,” she murmured.

“Nevertheless,” Darcy hastened forward, not wishing to dwell on her compassion for him. “I was arrogant and selfish in some ways. You asked me what I would do if my sister were treated that way. I have to agree that no matter the logic of the other person’s arguments, I would be too loyal to see any justice in them. It would not matter what reason he had. He hurt Georgiana, and I cannot abide his presence. Just knowing he exists angers me.” He clenched his fists.

“Mr Darcy?” Elizabeth looked at him with confusion in her eyes.

His eyes widened as he realised that he no longer spoke hypothetically and nearly confessed about Wickham’s betrayal. Darcy cleared his throat and tugged on his waistcoat. “I imagine that is how you feel about me, too.” Was there a tremor in his voice?

“I certainly did not wish to see you again so soon,” she quietly admitted with downcast eyes. Then, raising her head, she scrutinised him. “You say you are sorry and admit I am justly furious with you. Do you not see you have some means of remedying that?”

“Yes.” He drew out the word. “I have determined that I must confess this failure of mine to Bingley. My letter of apology went out this morning. I also have one for your sister. Will you see that she gets it?” He handed Elizabeth the unsealed paper. “You may read it, of course.” He hesitated a moment as she looked at it in disbelief. “Indeed, read it now. You may find it needing improvement.”

Elizabeth unfolded the thin missive. She quickly read it, then returned her gaze to him. She did not look as impressed as he had expected.

“Do you really mean this?” She asked in a sharp tone.

“I do.” He tugged on his coat again. It was not easy to air his failures so publicly. He usually kept a tight rein on his feelings, but his pride seemed to seep from the cracks, especially around her.

Elizabeth blinked several times and slightly shook her head as though confused. “You do not see anything wrong with this part here? ‘I regret that my actions may have reflected poorly on yourself and your family. Their behaviour already lacks decorum, and the withdrawal of a suitor might stain their reputation further.’ You are needlessly cruel!”

“Should I not be honest?” Was his candour unnecessary and harsh?

Tears welled in Elizabeth’s eyes, and she tore the letter into small pieces, then allowed them to scatter in the wind. “Why would I send that to Jane? It would only bring more pain. You dislike us, Mr Darcy. That we have always known, but, do not dare insult us and expect us to be grateful for it. If that is the only apology you can issue, we do not desire it!”

She stormed off. Darcy stood dumbfounded as he watched her. Anger replaced bewilderment, followed by regret. He had infuriated her once more. His words also hurt her somehow. Was this romantic love? A thousand conflicting emotions roiling through a person in quick succession? He loathed it. Unfortunately, he could not leave Rosings with this failing laid at his feet.

He turned around and walked back to Aunt Silly’s house. Patty greeted him at the door.

“Why did you leave Billy? Did you follow Betsy? Did you ask to court her? Is she in love with you?”

So many questions rolled off the young girl’s tongue that Darcy’s head spun. He could at least answer the last one. “No, of course not. She would never love me.” It was what he wanted, but why did the thought hurt?

Silly called for them to enter the parlour. This time, he kissed her cheek and sat beside her. She chatted about her garden and the people from the village.

“I told Mr Jefferson I wanted cucumbers, but I believe they gave me squash seeds instead.” She clucked her tongue. “They will not be ready until the fall.”

“Nothing has sprouted, Aunt. How can you tell they were the wrong seeds?”

She tapped the side of her head. “When one gets as old as I am, you know many things. They smell different.”

She nodded her head as though that settled it. He let her rattle on while Patty tugged on his hand and pulled him to the floor. She demanded back rides.

“Of course, squash can be very nice. It is not too late for me to find a more reliable source of seeds.” She looked at the window and frowned. “If only we would have some rain.” She stood. “Come, Patty. Let us water the garden.”

“Carry me on your back, Billy Horse!” Patty cried after scrambling off him. “You can trot around on your feet much faster than your knees.”

Darcy sighed and indulged her. She reminded him of Georgiana at the same age. Spoiled but precious. Innocent. Unmarred by the ugliness of life. “Now, why are you calling me Billy?”

“Because it rhymes with Patty.” The girl grinned. “Miss Elizabeth said I could call her Betsy.”

“I believe her family calls her Lizzy. That would also suffice.”

“I wanted Betsy.” She sulked. “She said no one else ever called her that, so it would be special.”

He chuckled. No one could refuse the girl. “My apologies, Patty. If she approves, then who am I to interfere?”

The words immediately pierced his heart. His approval of the nickname Patty gave Elizabeth was entirely immaterial. It had nothing to do with him. It was between them, and they were in agreement. Was that not just as it was with Jane and Bingley?

Darcy thought Elizabeth would prefer her usual shortened name. He assumed as much without ever consulting her. He certainly could not say that he knew her mind well enough that she could not be agreeable to the change. The more he considered it, the less it surprised him. Everyone coddled Patty, and Elizabeth was good-natured and adventurous. The truth was, it had irritated him slightly that Patty was handing out nicknames. Regardless, he had not corrected her. She was too adorable.

If Jane had married Bingley without loving him, what would it matter? Bingley would love her too much to care. Jane desired to please others too much to be heartless or distant. Darcy had been so overcome with his considerations about what he would do in that circumstance that he wounded his friend instead of saving him. In a twist of irony, Darcy realised he would have enjoyed his friend’s marriage. It would have thrown Elizabeth into his company more; he could never have hated that. What an utter fool he had been! Even worse, unlike a case of preferred nicknames from a child, he had meddled with the marital happiness of two people.

“Can I get down now, Billy?” Patty asked, already squirming.

Darcy had continued prancing around the garden with Patty on his back while he ruminated on his thoughts. Wordlessly, he bent so she could jump off. She skipped to a watering can and went on her way. Darcy wandered back to Aunt Silly.

“She’s a pretty girl, William.”

“Yes, she is,” he agreed. “Patty is a charming little thing. I admire her tenacity even more than her cherub looks.” An image of Elizabeth with a child, his child, intruded.

Silly puttered to a rose bush. Darcy followed. “I did not mean Patty. I was speaking of Miss Elizabeth Bennet. It was very evident that you knew each other. Correcting Patty about her name made that quite plain.”

“Well, that was a hopeless cause.” He would not satisfy his aunt’s curiosity about Elizabeth.

“Then you went strangely quiet. Patty did not observe the change but do not think it went beyond my notice, young man.”

“I would never presume that anything regarding a person could go undetected by you. However, you might wish to attend to your watering can. It is now empty, yet you continue to pretend you are watering your plants.”

“Oh! So, it is!” Under her breath, she added, “This is why you deserve your name, you know. Always so silly.”

“Allow me.” Darcy lifted the empty can from her hands.

In a few steps, he was back to the water trough. He caught sight of Elizabeth through the parlour window just as he finished filling the can. Why had she returned? Glancing back at his aunt, she had moved on to pruning. He put the can down and walked through the garden door.

“Silly, I have left my gloves. Have you seen them?” Elizabeth began speaking as soon as the door opened, but she had not lifted her head to see who had entered. She lifted the tablecloth and peered under it.

“I will gladly help look for them,” Darcy answered.

Elizabeth jumped slightly before dropping the fabric and whirling around to face him. “You have not departed?” Her tone was more accusatory than a question.

“I did not wish to slight my aunt due to our disagreement.”

“That is very good of you.” She nodded but would not look at him. “Thank you for your assistance, but it is of little consequence. I can always retrieve them tomorrow. I suppose you will visit again?”

Did she wish to avoid him? He could not fault her. He took a step toward her. “I will be here in the morning.” He blew out a breath. “And I will have a new apology—genuine and without mention of your family.”

“You wish to give me a letter in front of your aunt and an impressionable child?”

“Silly does not gossip—” He stopped short. No, she was a terrible gossip. It was without intentional malice but definitely gossip. Patty said everything that came into her head. Neither one could be counted upon for discretion or understanding the innocence of the situation. “I see your point.”

“Was that so hard?” She raised a brow and gave a saucy smile.

It had been far easier to apologise to Patty than to Elizabeth. He had gone through with it, even when he was not entirely certain he was in the wrong. Perhaps that is why it was effortless to say it to Patty.

“That time, no,” he confessed. “You have called me proud, and I am beginning to understand how correct you are. I hope you can believe that I am not universally arrogant—but there are some situations where it affects my behaviour quite profoundly.”

Elizabeth looked at him from head to toe. “You certainly are not as fastidious about your appearance as I had first believed. Did Patty have you crawling on the floor and jumping in puddles?”

Darcy looked down at his soiled clothing and flushed. “And much more.”

“It is sweet of you to entertain her so thoroughly.” Elizabeth cleared her throat and tapped her fingers on the table as she glanced around the room. “I must ask for forgiveness again for my intemperate response. I am unsure what it is about you, but I cannot restrain my feelings. You are not the only person who upsets me, yet I seem to direct all my anger at you.” She sighed. “It is not very rational.”

“Who can be rational when such things as love are involved?” He glanced around the room, looking for the lost gloves.

“That is true. Even if you reject romantic love, you do understand familial love. You had said that you could never be blind to their faults. I feel similarly about my family. I have found that love insists on loyalty, not justice.”

Darcy mentally thanked God that she had assumed he spoke about love for a sibling. He needed to finish making amends and then flee Kent lest he succumb to his deranged heart's longings. “Can I meet you on the path?”

“Yes, I suppose that is for the best.”

“Aha!” Darcy found the missing gloves. They lay on a dog bed and had been thoroughly chewed. He held one up. “I am afraid they are in terrible shape and cannot be mended.”

Elizabeth came closer to inspect them. Her nearness sent Darcy’s heart to a skipping pace.

“No, they cannot be saved.” Her shoulders slumped. “Well, they are replaceable. I have others with me, and they will suffice.”

She gathered her destroyed gloves and said a perfunctory goodbye to him before leaving. Briefly, he wondered what it would take to earn her good opinion. An apology could not be enough.