Page 24 of A Letter in the Wind (Mayhem and Scandal Collection #1)

Elizabeth awoke early after a fitful night of sleep. After Darcy’s family left, everyone gave him a wide berth. Her relations could be sensitive to someone’s feelings—only never hers. She decided not to walk as far as Oakham Mount this morning. Her mother would be angry enough that she had left the house at all. Nonetheless a morning walk in the crisp Spring air would put her to rights. At the very least, it always helped. She quickly dressed and snuck downstairs.

As she walked, Elizabeth ruminated about the previous evening. Dinner after Darcy’s family left was a quiet affair, except for Mrs Bennet congratulating herself on the upcoming wedding. Of course, even then, she had complaints. Of course, Elizabeth stole Jane’s birthright of being the first to marry. Elizabeth was too short, broad-shouldered, and curvy; she did not desire the correct amount of lace on her gown; the rushed ceremony meant there was no time to order from the best warehouses. Mrs Bennet’s coup d’état was that Elizabeth would not have any wedding clothes to start her marriage as befitting Mrs Darcy. Therefore, society would reject her, and she would besmirch the Bennet name with it.

More than once, Elizabeth had to signal to Darcy to let her mother be. If she did not vent her spleen at dinner, it might burst open at the wedding breakfast. It would be better to get the brunt of it over with just a family party than with all the neighbours.

Darcy’s cousin Richard had elected to stay for the wedding while his other relatives returned to London. Richard was supposed to bring Georgiana, but with the sudden change of plans, he had to leave her behind. Instead, Bingley would convey her and her companion. Of course, such news thrilled Mrs Bennet. Although she had been assured of Jane’s reunion with Bingley, she was confident that she alone could finally bring him to the point. After all, in her words, nothing brought on a wedding more than a wedding. Elizabeth rolled her eyes at the statement but hoped it was true for Jane’s sake.

Overall, the evening was not terrible. It seemed that the Fitzwilliam family attack had lifted some of the anxiety. She had harboured an instinctive feeling a confrontation would occur. The storm had passed but, she remained slightly nervous. On one hand, she presumed they would not want a public dispute at the wedding. On the other, it seemed too good to be true.

Deep down, what bothered Elizabeth the most was never being accepted or adequate. She was the unwanted daughter that should have been a son. All her life, that had hung over her head. From the minute of her birth, she let down her family and had continued to do so from then on.

It was not merely her mother’s rejection that wounded her. She was not the son that her father wanted. She was not as studious as Mary preferred or as impulsive and fun-loving as Kitty and Lydia required. Recently, Elizabeth even learned that she could not count on the friends she thought she had. For example, she was too romantic for Charlotte. There were times Elizabeth even feared Jane might tire of tolerating her moods.

What caused Elizabeth the most anguish was her mother’s resentment and abuse. She could not fit the mould that her mother desired. If it were not for Mrs Gardiner, Elizabeth was uncertain what would have happened to her. She never had a motherly influence, and a girl always needed that.

It was akin to the story of Cendrillon. The girl who was forced into servitude by a jealous stepmother and stepsisters. The plot device immediately elicited sympathy for the heroine. On the other hand, Elizabeth’s life was not a fairy tale. Key differences included a full-blooded family, a living father, and, most important of all, no magical godmother that could come and make everything right. Additionally, Cendrillon was not to blame for the death of her brother and father’s heir as Elizabeth was. Nothing could amend that past, and therefore, nothing could change how her family saw her.

Elizabeth’s entire hope had been to marry a man who loved her unconditionally. She had envisioned being welcomed into his family with open arms. A part of her reasoned that Darcy’s family hated her for bigoted and prejudiced reasons. They did not even know her. Even with such knowledge, insecurity reared its head. They had learned about her sizable dowry and still rejected her. Once they knew her, they would think it even more. How could she ever be a credit to Darcy?

Elizabeth continued to mull over all these things as she paused for a few minutes at a fallen tree. She did not have a fairy godmother, but she did not have to bear it alone. She prayed that God would grant her the grace to carry her burdens as she had so often. The Bible promised that all things worked for the good of believers, and while she only had faith the size of a mustard seed that she was no exception, she clung to the promise. If He created the Heavens and Earth, He could mend her crushed spirit and make beauty from these ashes. Somehow.

Hope was restored, and she returned to the house. She loved Mr Darcy, and he seemed fond of her. Surely, that was a better recipe for success than most marriages had at the beginning. He had far more capacity to love than he realised. Perhaps one day, he would learn to love her, too. She would make him. She nodded. If she were the perfect wife, he would have to, correct? Realising that she had lost valuable time focused on her own concerns, she vowed to discover precisely what Mr Darcy would most want in a wife from now on.

Despite all these plans, a nagging fear emerged from the back of her mind. What if that was not enough? What if she was simply unlovable? She was so consumed with these worries that she almost collided with Mrs Gardiner by the back door.

“Lizzy!” the older lady said as she caught her niece by the elbows. “I thought you were out walking. Your mother is beside herself and has ordered Mr Darcy to remain in his room until you return. She does not want to risk him seeing you today.”

“I am sorry, aunt. I lost track of time.”

She looked over Elizabeth. “Go through the servants’ stairs. I will tell your mother you have returned and bring a tray.”

“Thank you.” She embraced her aunt and then hurried off.

Once in her room, Elizabeth looked around. Her most precious items were packed up and ready to leave with her this afternoon. She would have no use for most of the décor and trinkets in her new houses. The thought sent a shiver up her spine, both thrilling and terrifying.

A few minutes later, Mrs Gardiner knocked on the door bearing a breakfast tray. Elizabeth opened the door for her and expected to be left in solitude. Instead, her aunt lingered.

“Lizzy, I wanted to speak with you alone. Jane desired to spend the morning with you, so I will not tarry.”

“Do you have something to say she cannot be privy to?”

“Did your mother speak to you about tonight?”

Elizabeth immediately flushed, heat enveloping her cheeks. She stammered. “Y-yes.” She had been curious about what to expect on her wedding night but too afraid to ask her mother. Instead, the woman bustled in before bed. What she said terrified Elizabeth and contributed to her poor dreams and unease.

“I do not know what she said, but I can imagine. Forget everything she told you. I would not be surprised if she said things intentionally to scare you and drive a wedge between you and Mr Darcy.”

“You do not think she would be so terrible as that, do you?”

Mrs Gardiner’s eyes flashed. “She has been jealous from the start. If she does not have an enjoyable marriage, she will do everything in her power to ensure you do not have one…as long as it means some financial security for her. That is why she chose you for Mr Collins.”

Elizabeth hung her head. It made perfect sense. Mrs Bennet wanted her to be miserable for life. Mrs Gardiner raised her niece’s chin.

“My dear, do not let her discourage you. Mr Darcy is a wonderful young man and can make you very happy. What is most important is that he seems to want to make you happy.”

“He is angry when others treat me poorly. It reflects badly upon him.”

Mrs Gardiner shook her head. “No, Lizzy. Going to battle for you has nothing to do with how he looks or what people think of him. Not a single thing he has ever done since I met him seemed out of duty. He cares greatly for you.”

Elizabeth nodded. “He is far kinder than I realised at first.”

“I also see that you care for him.” Mrs Gardiner paused to observe Elizabeth, who ducked her head. “You do not have to tell me more than that. I mention this to expunge whatever your mother told you.”

“It is not my duty to…to…endure? No matter how much…” She could not speak the words. Mrs Bennet had described an act bordering on violence. She had been greatly disturbed by the thought that her father had treated her mother that way. “Is it not his right?”

“I will not lie and say that the law is kind to women. It has been manipulated by cruel men. In a legal sense, some might argue that it is his right. Fortunately, it is clear Mr Darcy believes in treating people with respect. He would never insist on such things.”

“Thank you, aunt. This has put my mind at ease in many ways.”

Mrs Gardiner stood. “One last thing. The purpose of the marriage bed is to increase intimacy between husband and wife. It is sacred. You know, of course, to be faithful. Additionally, it can also create a unique bond that continually strengthens. Life will hand hurts and disappointments, find solace in your husband’s arms. And you must be the same for him.”

Elizabeth hugged her aunt. Soon after she departed, Jane appeared in the doorway. The sisters spent the morning in quiet companionship and laughing about childhood antics. Just before it was time to get ready, Jane grew serious.

“I know why you consented to marry Mr Darcy,” she said lowly. “And I know you had something to do with Bingley’s arrival at Gracechurch Street. I owe my present happiness and all my anticipated future joy to your bravery and sacrifice.”

“Do not say that dearest.” Elizabeth embraced her sister. “You deserve the absolute best. I am glad that Bingley has proved faithful, and I believe he will make you happy. I am sure that I contributed to the misunderstanding, and it is because of my poor behaviour with Darcy that your reputation would be at risk in the first place.”

“That is not true.” Jane shook her head. “You are blameless. If we do not find Lydia…and even if we do…it will be impossible to prevent it from reflecting poorly on all the family. What does Mr Darcy think?”

“I have not told him.” Elizabeth ducked her head. She hated keeping such a thing secret from her betrothed, but it was not strictly her news to tell. “Uncle advised against it. Do you think Darcy will be furious?”

The truth was, she knew he would never marry her with a ruined sister. Once fate handed her an opportunity to be with him, Elizabeth was not selfless enough to sacrifice that. She knew it was wrong to allow this between them. He would feel betrayed.

“It is too late to say anything. Do you not agree? He would feel bound to follow through with the wedding. His pride would be wounded—our marriage would be doomed before it even began.” Elizabeth rushed to explain her rationale to Jane. “If we can just have a few happy weeks; if he can see that marriage to me can be a blessing…” She sighed.

Jane squeezed her hand. “He cares about you so much. Maybe he even loves you and does not realise it or feels comfortable expressing it. Perhaps it will not upset him.”

Elizabeth gave her sister a sad smile. It was what she had hoped to hear and yet confirmed more than anything how terrible it was to take away his choice. Jane always saw the best in everyone and in every situation. Elizabeth knew she had done wrong if her sister were offering such platitudes.

Immediately, Elizabeth stood. “I will go now then…” It would be better to say it and have him leave immediately than jilt her in the church.

Just then, Mrs Bennet burst into the room. “Girls! Why are you not getting ready? Oh! Lizzy, how can you not care about your looks even on your wedding day?” She glared at her daughter and put her hands on her hips. “Now, I will not have you embarrass me. Come!”

“Mama, I must speak with Mr Darcy. I must—”

“Absolutely not!” Mrs Bennet screeched.

Elizabeth moved to go around her, but the woman blocked the doorway. “Elizabeth, I forbid you to leave this room or see him. You will have to remove me to get through.”

Fanny Bennet was stout—taller and heavier than her petite daughter. Elizabeth looked at Jane.

“She merely has a kind message for him. Perhaps she could give it to Papa, and he can speak to Mr Darcy for her.”

Elizabeth’s eyes lit up at Jane’s falsehood.

“You can give your kind messages after you marry. Now, come here.” Mrs Bennet marched over to Elizabeth and yanked on her hand, pulling her to the dressing table.

As she fussed over Elizabeth and yanked her hair this way and that, Elizabeth met Jane’s eyes in the mirror. She barely held her tears back. Why had she waited so long? Why had she pushed aside the whisper of her conscience? Would she have the strength to say something at the church? The only opportunity would be when the minister asked if there were any objections.