Page 19 of A Letter in the Wind (Mayhem and Scandal Collection #1)

Elizabeth tossed and turned all night. The exquisite memories and sensations of Darcy’s tenderness merged with anxieties about her mother’s behaviour. She awoke multiple times from various dreams. At the end of each one, Darcy had left her heartbroken at the altar, explaining that he could not tolerate connection to such a family. In the last one, Lydia’s folly was exposed. Elizabeth watched in horror as his complexion changed to white in anger and disbelief. He turned to her and asked why she would keep such a secret. Then, he had left her without a backward glance. The look of betrayal in his eyes haunted her even after waking.

She arose before anyone else in the house and kept silent during breakfast. Now, she stood waiting for Darcy’s arrival at the drawing room window, willing him to arrive well before his promised time.

“Ah, there you are, Lizzy,” Mr Gardiner said as he entered the room. Then, he clapped his hands together. “Well, we are all set up now. The hack is loaded, and we are ready to go. Come along.”

Elizabeth whirled around. “We are not waiting for Mr Darcy? I told him we would set off at nine o’clock.”

“You ought to have kept to the original plan,” her uncle replied. “You know your family’s ways. It will be better if your mother vents her spleen before he is present. I sent an express rider to your father last night, letting him know we would be arriving and of your engagement.”

Her uncle had a point. She had selfishly wanted Darcy present without consideration of what that meant to anything else.

Mr Gardiner shook his head before reaching for her hand. “This is not what I wanted for you, my dear. I know you had hopes of a love match.”

“I think we will be well,” she answered weakly. A few days ago, she had barely discerned her change in feelings. Recent circumstances made her suddenly understand their depths. However, they were too new to her to say to anyone else. “I have hope and will trust that God has a plan.”

“Well, so do I, and it involves departing before your young man arrives. I have left a note of regret for him.” At her argument, he held up his hands. “Perhaps you should write him one as well? That might soothe any ruffled feathers.”

Elizabeth meekly agreed and went to the small table containing the writing supplies. She had never written to a gentleman before. Of course, it was not considered appropriate for young unmarried ladies to write to gentlemen unless they were engaged. The problem was that it meant a woman had no experience by the time it was permissible. She considered all her mother’s teachings on marriage and “ensnaring a husband.” Letter writing was not among them. If it were a love match, she would reassure him of her affections and write of how she longed to see him again. Tragically, it was not a union grown from love and might never be.

Despite the obstacles, Elizabeth sighed and set to work. She apologised about the change and wrote something teasing that she hoped would amuse Darcy. As she reread the letter, her cheeks flushed. Would he perceive her growing affection? She could not bear to be rejected by him. On the one hand, that seemed ideal for a couple on the brink of marriage. Surely tenderness, at least, toward your betrothed was desirable.

What would their marriage look like? Would they lead primarily separate lives with him busy at work and clubs? Or worse…would his time be consumed with mistresses? He vowed to be faithful, and she believed him…but the terrible thought was difficult to shoo away. Acute pain stabbed at her heart. She gasped and put down her pen, tears springing to her eyes. The idea was even more painful than when she had realised her mother never loved her.

“What are you thinking about, darling?”

Darcy’s gentle voice from the doorway startled her. She looked up and knew she could not help the relief that flooded her face. Unfortunately, fear and regret immediately followed the sensation. “I did not hear you knock.”

“From the looks of it, you did not expect me yet.” He approached. “I did not have to knock. A servant was bringing out a chest as I arrived.” His brow furrowed. “I would apologise for coming so early, but I am surprised that you are already loading things up. Did you not think I would come, or has something changed to make you depart earlier?”

Elizabeth could not meet his eyes. “My uncle decided we ought to depart before you arrived.”

“He does not like me.”

She could hear the disappointment in his voice. He sounded as though the rejection hurt. How could so great a man care about the opinion of what most thought was a lowly tradesman?

“That is not true,” she hastened to say. “He has reasons for wishing to depart earlier than the agreed-upon time.” She could not bear to explain more. After all, part of the reason they needed more time to forewarn her family was because of her previous unguarded and vehement hatred of Mr Darcy.

He glanced at the table. “Who are you writing to with such an atmosphere of remorse?”

At first, Elizabeth moved the paper so he could not easily read it. Then, she realised how silly that was. It was to him and not very personal at that. She smiled weakly at him. “As you are here, it is not necessary now.” She moved to crumple it up, but he reached for it.

“May I have it?”

She shrugged. He took it and read it with a soft smile. He chuckled at her tease. When he finished, he kissed the paper, folded it, and placed it in his breast pocket. Then, he gazed at her affectionately.

“My first letter from you. I hope many more will not be necessary.”

He held out his hand. She took it; upon standing, he did not release her hand, he did not release her hand. Instead, he stroked it while staring into her eyes. The sensation was heavenly, and goose pimples erupted on her arms.

“I do not travel frequently, but I do not think I could bear to do so without you. Would it displease you to accompany me on my necessary business trips? Of course, anything recreational would include you and be planned with your assistance.”

She began to agree but a thought intruded. There were times in a married lady’s life when travel was inconvenient or impossible. Should she remind him of that now or let it be until such a moment arose? She grew aware of his change in demeanour. Her delayed reply had wounded him. She gently laid her free hand atop the one that held hers. His brow furrowed as he looked at the contact. “Pray, do not think my hesitance means I do not enjoy your company. I was only considering—”

“Lizzy,” Mr Gardiner called from the hallway. “Ah, Mr Darcy,” he said pleasantly. “I was informed you were here. We did not expect you so early.” He glanced between them. “I suppose Lizzy told you that we had to alter our plans. How fortuitous that you came earlier than the agreed-upon hour.”

“It certainly seems so,” Darcy answered neutrally.

Her uncle looked around the room. “You arrive alone?”

“Bingley cannot join us until after Easter. Either he or my cousin Colonel Fitzwilliam will accompany my sister.” Darcy cleared his throat. “I do not know how many of my other relations can be present.”

Elizabeth understood what he really meant, which was that he did not know how many would want to come. Most of his relatives would not approve of this match. Any joy she felt at seeing him fled with that thought. The ember of hope in her breast regarding their marriage slowed to a weak flame sputtering against the dark, all its energy almost gone. She had always known Lady Catherine would spurn her, but now it seemed that all Darcy’s relatives would do so. Indeed, most of the ton would hate her.

“Well, it is time we depart,” Mr Gardiner said before quitting the room.

Darcy released her hand to extend his arm. “Shall we?”

Elizabeth shyly nodded. She would be married the next time she visited these rooms where she had experienced so much joy and freedom. This would never be her home again. She let her fingers trail over the table in the hall as she waited for the servant to gather her outdoor things.

Darcy took the shawl from the footman, draping it gently around her shoulders. His nearness made her dizzy. His clean scent filled her nostrils. “There,” he said. “We cannot have you getting a chill on the journey. It would be a pitiful sight for the bride to have a red nose on her wedding day.”

Elizabeth’s lips upturned a fraction, but she did not laugh or smile as Darcy had so evidently wished.

“Have courage, Elizabeth.” He spoke quietly. “We shall soon laugh at our nervousness.”

When Elizabeth met his eyes, she saw earnestness and sincerity. He truly believed his words. “I trust you,” she said.

She could pay him no higher compliment. Could he begin to understand how difficult it was for her to trust anyone? She had rarely depended upon anyone else.

Once outside, she saw the servants loading items onto Darcy’s larger carriage. The hack had been sent off.

Darcy spoke to her. “I will pay for the hack on their return but thought I would offer better comfort for the trip to Longbourn.”

She gave her thanks, but had not expected him to be so near for the duration of the drive. It brought new challenges and threatened her equilibrium. With any luck, Mr and Mrs Gardiner would sleep for most of the trip, allowing her privacy from piercing eyes that saw too much.

A few moments later, Darcy handed her up. She went to sit next to her aunt and Jane, but the older woman shooed her to the other seat. “You know that none of us can abide sitting backwards,” she said with a look that told Elizabeth not to contradict her.

Of course, nothing of the sort was true. Elizabeth did not appreciate her aunt’s attempt to force her to sit beside Darcy. Although, she had to agree that two broad gentlemen next to each other probably would not make for a comfortable drive. When they had all settled in the carriage, Mrs Gardiner glanced at the space between Darcy and Elizabeth. She asked her husband to retrieve a valise that absolutely must be conveyed within the coach. He set it between the couple, but Mrs Gardiner was not to be deterred.

“Lizzy, my dear, do move that valise. I would hate for it to bother Mr Darcy.”

“It is too big to fit on the floor,” Elizabeth answered.

“Think nothing of it, Mrs Gardiner. I do not mind it at all,” Darcy said.

“No, no,” Mrs Gardiner stood to move it herself. “You are so kind to convey us. I would not wish to discomfort you.” She placed it between the wall of the coach and Elizabeth, making her sit closer to Darcy. “There, now it is perfect. And I can reach things in it without fear of disturbing you.”

Mr Gardiner’s eyes narrowed. “If you are ready now, Miriam?”

“Oh, yes,” she said with a flush as she sat.

Mr Gardiner nodded at Darcy, who knocked on the ceiling of the equipment, signalling to the coachman they were ready to depart. After several minutes of silence, Mrs Gardiner and Jane attempted to involve the others in a conversation. At first, Mr Gardiner seemed to be evaluating Darcy, but eventually, he gave up and went to sleep. When the other ladies could not get more than a few words from Darcy or Elizabeth, they withdrew books to occupy their attention. Elizabeth had to wonder at her aunt’s actions. She was far too obvious and made Elizabeth extremely nervous. A carriage with relatives hearing every word was no place for courtship.

They reached the coaching inn, where they would change horses within a few hours. After Darcy handed Elizabeth out, he turned to her and asked, “Would you care to stretch our legs for a few moments?”

Elizabeth smiled and nodded, eagerly placing her hand on his arm. They set off, keeping a close distance to the carriages so they could see when it was time to depart. “You have been quiet this morning, sir.”

“Forgive me,” he answered. “You seem less talkative, too. Did you sleep well?” He looked down at her with genuine concern.

“I admit that my mind took quite some time to relax. How about you?” She could see shadows under his eyes. “I fear you have pushed yourself too hard after your experience in the fire.” For a moment, the scene rushed back to her mind. The absolute terror that had gripped her as she waited for Silly and Patty to emerge. She relived the joy of seeing them and the sweet pups. Then, she experienced the horror she felt as she saw the roof collapse around Darcy. She shuddered.

“Elizabeth?”

She looked up and saw that Darcy had retrieved his handkerchief and passed it to her. She had been crying and was not aware of it.

“Pardon me. It was a dreadful day, and I suppose it hurts me to recall it.”

“I have even more reason to be sorry for putting you in that situation,” he said gently. “I know it was partly due to rumours from Hunsford that we find ourselves…”

“Compromised? Forced to marry,” she said with a sigh. “You have been very gallant, sir. Surely you are exhausted from pretending to be unperturbed by our circumstances. You did not wish to marry at all—let alone to someone like me—”

“How is your faith?” he asked. “We have never discussed it before, although I consider it one of the most important things you can know about a person. I will admit that I struggle with trusting God at times. I prefer to think that I am in control. Nonetheless, there have been several situations in my life where I have had to learn that I am not the writer of my time on earth. God has a purpose and a plan.” He looked down at her and squeezed the hand which held his arm. “When circumstances necessitated this engagement, I had no difficulty trusting He had a wise purpose. I gladly accept that He has designed my companion to be a lady I already admired greatly.”

For a long moment, Elizabeth was speechless. She searched his eyes for the truth. Could it be that he had truly admired her? He had said so, but she had never accepted it. She continued to bring it up, and it remained a sore spot with her.

Instantly, she realised it was all because of the incredible disappointment she felt at his first unkind words. Amazingly, he came to value her quickly after that. She had been carrying around perceived disfavour for so long that she could not easily let it go. The incredible thing was that she had truly disliked him. If she could be so sensitive and insecure when he had actually esteemed her, how much harder must it be for him to believe that her feelings had changed? Nevertheless, he seemed to take her at her word. He trusted her, she realised. Could she trust him in return? No, she corrected herself. He asked if she trusted God. It was a question in which she had no immediate answer.