Page 43 of Tracing Holland

I notice Eli and Sweeny are already in their bunks, no doubt respecting Callie’s privacy by pretending to sleep.My stakes are higher, however, and I’m not about to give her space right now.Not when she saved my life by butting into my nightmare.

I knock on the partition and the quiet murmuring stops.“It’s Luke.Can I come in?”

I wait for a moment, wondering if they’ll accept my role, and I’m relieved when the partition opens.I’m devastated at the look on Callie’s face, her red eyes and tear-stained cheeks just tearing at my soul.

I close the partition again and lower myself to her other side on the couch.

“Casey told you,” she whispers.

I nod.“He did.”

I don’t ask if she’s ok.I know she’s not.I always hated that question.

“Luke, it’s bad,” she whispers, staring at me, completely haunted.“They’re saying we did it for the money.They’re makinghimlook like the victim!It’s happening all over again!”She presses her palms against her eyes, and Casey wraps his arms around her.“This is why I left Shelteron in the first place!”

Casey and I exchange a glance over her shoulder, and I can feel the rage building.Casey isn’t wired for rage like I am.He’s built to be a pillar.I’m a freaking landmine, and I know there’s no way we’re leaving Charlotte before it explodes.I watch them in silence for a bit, my insides shredding at Callie’s pain, but I have no idea what to say.I would do anything to make it stop, which only fuels the wrath at how helpless I feel.I’m not good at the talking part.I act, usually rashly, and in a way that gets me in trouble.

But, I just can’t take it anymore.The sound of her tears is destroying me.I have no choice.

“Let me make some calls,” I say, rising from the couch.

“What?What are you going to do?”Casey asks, glancing at me in surprise.

I suck in my breath.“I don’t know.I’ll be back later.”

“Luke, what are you going to do?Where are you going?”

I can’t look at him, at either of them, as I move from the room.“Nothing.Stop worrying.Just gonna get some air and make a few calls,” I lie.

I sense he knows I’m lying, but I will die before letting him bear the burden of what I’m about to do.

“I love you, Callie,” I say gently.

She glances up and melts my heart with a weak smile through her tears.

“I love you, too, Luke.Thank you.”

I swallow and try not to choke as I close the partition.

7

Richmond, Virginia

September 21

The bigger news doesn’t break until Richmond.At least, it doesn’t hit our circle until 1:48PM EST.I get the angry call I’d been expecting first, and have no choice but to absorb the livid tirade from the conference room of the Label’s headquarters.They don’t understand why I’d screw everything up after all the patience and support they’ve shown me.Why I’d embarrass them, myself, everyone, just as we were starting to get our groove back.They’re not going to fire me, we both know they can’t, and I’m not sure why they even bother covering that point, except maybe to give themselves a segue into the part where they’re extremely disappointed and hope I understand what a grand fuck-up I am.

The truth isn’t exactly an option so I take it all in silence.Apologizing a few times, smarting from the blows I can’t defend.

The phone call is easy compared to Casey and Callie’s reactions.

“I don’t understand!Why would you do this?Is it because of me?”Callie cries, horrified, angry.Casey looks about the same as they confront me outside the bus just as I’m returning from the brutal lashing by the Label.

My stomach is already in knots and I try to brace myself, but I’m not sure how much more I can take.I see the disappointment on their faces, the questions, the betrayal.I’d been prepared for it all, just not for how much it would hurt.I hadn’t realized I’d changed so much, that I actually cared enough about other people for their rejection to injure me.Apparently, feelings are actually real, and I have way more than I’d thought.

“No, of course not,” I defend.“I don’t know.I just …” I’m not sure how to finish that sentence.I’m so tired of lying.I’m just exhausted in general.

“So what, you decided to ‘fix it all’ by partying?By throwing everything away, all that we’ve been fighting for?”