Page 16 of Tracing Holland

“Don’t get mad!I’m just saying, is there a butterfly in it or not?”Casey asks, and I almost throw my guitar at him.

“Not anymore!”I hiss, and he laughs.

“Ok, ok!Sorry!Go for it.We’ll shut up.We’re ready.”

I turn back to the mic and draw in a deep breath.I grip my guitar pick firmly in my right hand, my left hand positioned for a B minor chord.I wrote this one in D, but I’m thinking I might need to raise it to E.It’s not exactly an essential detail at the moment, but suddenly it’s all I can think about.Maybe I should just play it in E for their first listening.The higher key will give the chorus more energy, more power.Yes, E.But shit, if I do it in E, I have to raise the bridge too.Not sure I can hit that in E.I should have practiced this more.What was I thinking exposing it so early?I haven’t played it for anyone except Casey, and that was so early he won’t even recognize it.

My hands are sweating, heart racing.Bm, A, D.No, maybe I should go to the 4 instead.A solid G back into the 6.Dammit.I haven’t played anything original since…god, I don’t know when.Breathe.I’ve been doing this my whole life.No, not my whole life.Not at all since I became something else, someone else.What if my music was in the darkness, the filth?I have no way of knowing if I can trust what comes out now.

I’m surprised there’s no more ribbing interrupting the silence as I hesitate.I glance back at Casey, and my chest suddenly gets heavy.He knows.I can tell by the look on his face that he understands what this moment means to me, and all the teasing is gone from his expression.He’s no longer worried about butterflies, just me.

I suck in my breath and turn back to the audience, finally able to breathe again when my eyes rest on the lone judge seated in the center of the first row.It’s Callie.Just Callie, gazing up at me, eyes full, waiting for me to be the person she discovered.

I wrote it in D.I have to start trusting myself at some point.As the music pours out, I can almost feel the suffocating curtain start to lift.

“Crawl in, crawl out

Terrified but moving now

Claw up, slide down

There’s no going back, can’t go back

Break down, break out

Break down, break out

Brand new day feast on the dark

Shuttered light, reluctant spark

Growing dawn and setting sun

Fight song of the desperate one.

Cocoon shredding

Past, heading straight for the wall

No more regretting, just breathing

Underwater

Too late to choose, too far to fall

Nowhere to go but on

No more excuses, no denial

No holding on to lost time

Break out, I’m breaking out

Brand new day release the dark

A new light, the smallest spark

Growing dawn and setting sun