Page 38 of Tracing Holland

“Oh my gosh!You’re so annoying,” she groans, glaring back at her menu.

Casey only laughs and tucks his arm around her shoulders.I’m freaking melting inside, and puking, but mostly melting.They just make you think you’ve got a shot at life.Every.Single.Time.

“What about you?How were the pools?”Callie asks me, immediately slamming a pickax into my contentment.

I force a smile.“Great.The hot tub was great.Didn’t do much swimming.”

She nods.“Looks like you got a little sun.I’m glad.I worry about you and your vampire tendencies.”

I smile again, dreading the moment when she finds out how badly I screwed things up with Holland.I’m still haunted by it all, even though I did the right thing, the humane thing.I did what had to be done.For all of us.But just when I think I’ve got the pain under control, I remember our song, how the music brought us together and connected us in a way I’ve never felt before, not even with Elena.I loved Elena so much, but we didn’t share the music.I never felt my soul suck another in like it had at that moment with Holland.I didn’t even know it was possible and now I’m a hostage.

“You ok?”Callie asks, concerned, and I force myself to refocus.

“Yeah, of course.Why?”

She’s still looking at me, as is Casey.I thought it would be a good idea to be alone with them, but now I’m not so sure.

“Your face changed.You look darker all of a sudden.”

I laugh, but I doubt anyone believes it.“I’m fine.Just hungry.You know what you’re getting?”

They let me off the hook, even though I know I’ve done a terrible job covering my tracks.They don’t believe a word I’m saying, but are willing to let it go.

“Well, I’m getting the ribs, apparently,” Casey mutters.

Callie’s grin returns.“Yes!Thanks, hon.Love you.”

He rolls his eyes and closes his menu.“Just don’t get a salad.Because if we’re switching meals, there’s no way in hell I’m trading ribs for lettuce.”

Most of thegroup wants to hang out at the hot tubs and drink again that night.Since I no longer drink and would rather stab myself in the eye than face Holland right now, I pass in favor of an evening alone with Percy.

I love the view from my balcony and decide to take full advantage of it while I can.Something about the moon reflecting off the ocean appeals to me, and I stare at it for a long time, absently strumming several progressions that have been in my head for a while.The chords are far removed from my usual patterns, but they’re beautiful and particularly haunting in the darkness.

I can hear the laughter from the pool deck below and I’m glad they’re having such a good time.I’m not jealous of other people’s happiness, just confused by it.I guess, deep down, I long for it too, I just don’t understand it or how to let myself accept it.Callie’s words had struck hard that day at lunch.She was right.I do deny myself, but I don’t know how to embrace happiness when it almost always seems to be a zero-sum game for me.My happiness in exchange for someone else’s misery.I’m not doing that anymore.I’m protecting Holland.Our song was beautiful but it shouldn’t exist in my universe.

I close my eyes and start humming along with the guitar.Words begin to filter in with the notes, which are becoming clear patterns.There’s a song forming, I can sense the pieces snapping into place in my head.My strumming becomes more deliberate, my voice stronger.

“Guide me toward the light, I swear I’ll follow.

Forgive me for the man I am.

Fight the hollow ghost I carry.

I’ve learned to hide the tears,

Though they still break me.

Search for me, the broken wanderer

Find me, deep within my own void

Save me, from my burning lies

Don’t believe what I am

I’m a fallen angel,

The disease you can’t understand