Page 17 of Tracing Holland

Fight song of the desperate one.

Break it down, break it

Breaking out, just break it, break it”

I hadn’t even realized I’d closed my eyes until the last note lingers in the air, in the darkness behind my eyelids.I open them, and I’m shocked, a little shaken, when I see Holland seated next to Callie.They both are staring at me with grave expressions as I back away from the mic and face my band.

“I mean, I’m still working on it,” I explain into the silence.“Just…”

“It’s awesome, man,” Casey says, cutting off my instinctive apology.“I love it.We haven’t done anything that hard in a long time.”

“Yeah, dude.That bridge is sick,” Sweeny echoes.“Can we run it again?I have a couple things I want to try.”

“Yes!Definitely,” Casey agrees.“We’ve got plenty of time.How’s it sounding out there, Miles?”he calls to the front-of-house engineer.

“Guitar and vocal sounded great!Love the new stuff.Would also love to get a full check now,” Miles returns into our ears.

I swallow, unnerved by the sudden warmth spreading through me.I don’t know what to do with it, and turn back to Callie and…Holland is gone.

“Luke!Hey!”

I stop on my way back to the bus and turn toward Tess, our road manager.

“How’s everything?Did you get a chance to grab some food?”

I smile and nod.“Yep.Thanks, Tess.”

“What about the bus?Does anything need to be restocked before we roll out tonight?”

“I don’t think so.Maybe a few bottles of water.Hey, do you know if Gary is all good to take care of Tracing Holland tonight?”

“Yes!He’s all set.”

“Did he get in touch with Steven?”

“Steven?”

“Holland’s backline tech who had to leave.”

Tess waves her hand.“Oh, right!Sorry, I can’t believe I forgot his name.I don’t know, but I’ll check.”She quiets, and I brace myself.It’s that look I’ve come to dread.The “you’re-a-fragile-little-dandelion-but-we-love-you” look.

“How are you, Luke?How’s it been being back?”

“I’m good,” I answer.As if I’d say anything else.“It’s an adjustment, but going ok.”

“You sure?You’ll let me know if there’s anything you need, right?”

I try to hold in my sigh at the familiar script.She means well.They all mean well.“Yes, of course.I’ll let you know, but I’m good,” I repeat.

I don’t know if she believes me or not, but at least she seems to understand that’s the best she’ll get.I have this conversation memorized at this point.There are a few versions of it and I’m grateful that Tess is sensitive enough to make it the short one.

“Ok, well, I’ll go check with Gary and Holland to make sure they’re all set.Kill it tonight, ok?”she says, swatting my arm as she passes.

I manage to return her smile before the resigned sigh escapes.Dandelion Luke.I guess it has a certain ring to it.Beats Train-Wreck Luke anyway.

4

Atlanta, Georgia