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“It’s going to be okay. I promise you,” Sunny says quietly.
She can’t make such a promise. The fact that human beings evendareto make vows when their lives can be snuffed out like candles in a storm is laughable. What power does Sunny have to promise me anything?
I step back. “If you’re here to ask about Cullen’s funeral, I can’t plan it,” I say, my voice stuffy from my clogged nose. “Although I doubt I have to. He was so prepared, he probably has everything ready, down to the casket color.”
“Cullen didn’t want a funeral,” Darrel says quietly. “He wanted to be remembered through anonymous contributions to charity and through the passing of his estate to you and Josiah.”
Of course he did. From beginning to end, Cullen’s main concern was his legacy. Is that why he didn’t contact me? Is that why he quietly left this earth without granting me one last chance to hear his voice?
I squeeze my eyes shut, wishing the room wasn’t so bright. All I want is darkness, but there’s still a smidge of light leaking through my eyelids.
Silence rings out.
Cullen is dead.
There’s nothing more to say.
Sunny and Darrel’s footsteps shuffling through the room alert me to their movements. A moment later, I feel Sunny’s hand on my shoulder.
“We’re here for you, Nardi. You don’t have to be strong right now. No one’s asking you to do that. Let it all out. And call me if you need me. I’ll come running over.”
“You can stop by my clinic any time,” Darrel offers in that stiff but kind way.
I nod, unable to speak.
Mom’s hushed voice fills the room as she sees Sunny and Darrel out. When the door snaps shut, I open my eyes and see mom huffing and puffing as she straightens the living room.
“Can’t even put your hair in a bun to greet your guests,” she’s mumbling. “Did you see that fancy lady? Why couldn’t you at least have been presentable?”
Perhaps it’s the fact that I, too, felt inadequate in front of Sunny’s polished appearance. Or maybe I just need to let someone hurt the way I hurt, but I snap.
“Am I supposed to glam up to impress everyone, mom? Am I supposed to throw a parade because Cullen’s dead? What part of this am I doing wrong? Why don’t you tellme?”
Her eyes widening, mom straightens slowly.
“You hated Cullen when he was alive but now that he’s gone, you won’t have any problem spending every last cent he left behind, will you?”
Mom’s face twists into a thunderous expression and she raises her hand. I turn my face, anticipating the heat of her palmstinging my cheek. Anticipating the rush of adrenaline, the thud of my heartbeat, the freedom of feeling something,anythingother than this bottomless agony.
But mom lowers her hand and breathes shakily. “You’re not the only human who’s lost someone, Nardi. Cullen was everything to you. I understand that. But you and Josiah are everything tome.” She raises her chin, her mouth tightening with emotions. “Don’t get so lost that you can’t find your way back again.”
“Mom…”
Remorse fills me, but my mother simply wipes her hands against her apron, unties the strings and leaves the apartment.
The sting of her words shake me out of my stupor. I lift my hands and study them, marveling at the fact that I can stillfeel.My body is so numb, it feels like all my sensations have dulled.
At that moment, I spot mom’s notebook on the counter. She stole a few of Josiah’s empty notebooks ‘to record new recipes’. But now, I wonder if she was telling the truth.
Tiptoeing toward the book, I have a moment of hesitation. I really shouldn’t be snooping around my mother’s stuff. However, I toss that conviction aside and open it.
The first page really is a recipe.
The second page is just a list of grocery ingredients.
I turn to the third page and find another list.
Hm, maybe I was wrong.