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Is my phone spying on me? I’ve neveronceseen a lingerie ad when I’ve been scrolling before. It’s usually all ads for kids like backpacks for Josiah, programming-themed T-shirts, and school supplies.
Any data scraping company should look at my search history and think I’m only interested in IT related supplies. Where did this slinky, red lace ensemble come from?
Clearing my throat, I check the laundry.
Ten minutes left on the clock.
Well, I’ve got nothing better to do. A little look around on that lingerie site won’t hurt.
As I wait for the page to load, I tell myself I’m not looking because of Ronan. I’m an adult and a woman and, for those two reasons alone, it is well within my right to peruse and possibly purchase, pretty underwear.
I look around the laundromat to make sure no one is watching me. A row of machines spreads out before me. There’s no one except me and an elderly woman in the laundromat, but she’s all the way on the other side of the room.
Lowering my cell phone a bit, I return my attention to the site. Immediately, a woman’s lower torso and bare legs fill my screen. Those body parts are nothing I haven’t seen before. Nothing I don’t have myself. And yet, they seem absolutely scandalous now.
I hurry to tap on the ‘x’ so the pop up shrinks back into the corner where it belongs. Inhaling shakily, I forge on and slide through the different ensembles.
The first few pieces are extremely uncomfortable-looking. One of the thongs comes with beads. It looks like a pearl necklace. Am I supposed to wear that around my neck or around my legs? What on earth are they supposed to cover? I’m getting a wedgie just looking at it.
I tap away from the adventurous designs and slide through the rest of the page. The silky night dresses catch my eye.
Beep!
I leave my phone on the bench and gather my sheets with one hand so I can toss them in the dryer.
“That’s cute!” a frail voice says.
I whirl around, mortified when I see the elderly woman, who’d been on the other side of the room, peering over my cell phone. She has her laundry basket balanced on her hip. A gnarled finger points at the screen.
“I’d go with the white one. That’ll look lovely against your skin.” She eyes me like a human color finder. “I’d say you’re more of a cocoa brown with a cool undertone. You know? Maybe the powder blue will work too.”
“Uh…” I turn away from the dryer with the door swinging open and rush to scoop up my phone.
The woman steps back. “Oh sorry. I didn’t mean to pry. I just happened to see it.”
My heart is thudding as if I got caught trying to sell feet pics. I tilt the phone flat against my chest and release an uncomfortable smile. “I was just looking.”
“Oh honey, of course you were.” She winks. “Take my advice. If you really want to impress him, get a matching sheer set. I can tell you’re a little shy and the sheer will have a very sultry effect without making you uncomfortable when he starts nipping and nibbling.”
“Oh my gosh.”
She cackles. “I was young once too, you know. Just because I’m old now, doesn’t mean I haven’t had afull,thick,long…life.”
My heart is about to burst. “Uh… good for you.”
“And good for you too, sweetie.” She twirls around with her basket. “I hope you and your gentleman have a good night.”
“I really was just looking!” I defend myself.
The door slams behind her.
She’s gone.
Flopping into the bench, I swipe away from the lingerie site and then clear it from my history for good measure.
Unbelievable.
She totally got the wrong impression. I wasn’t looking because I have a boyfriend. I don’t. I’m very much single and have been since…