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An independent one.
A free one.
Without a single woman to try to tell me what to do—ever.
3
SLOANE
Throughout the night, my worries plagued me. Dancing always came easily for me. As soon as the music played, I followed the beat and let go. It was a physical release to move my body, and since I’d been stripping and dancing for four years now, ever since I became legal at twenty-one, I’d perfected it to an exercise that I could pull off on autopilot. I didn’t have to think. I justmoved.
It gave me too much downtime to ponder the problems in my life, so all night long, up on the stage and on the pole, I dwelled on how badly I needed more money.
My apartment wasn’t anything decent, but without it, I’d be on the damn streets.
Maybe I could look for another roommate?
Since I was dancing, I couldn’t make a face. I had to maintain this sultry look, especially for that drunk moron who wasn’t even looking at the dollar bills he was tossing at me as I focused on him.
But the idea of seeking a roommate to split the costs of living was one that would’ve prompted an instant scowl. The last time I let another dancer room with me, she stole all my cash before I could deposit it. Then, because I wanted to believe that one roommate couldn’t be representative of all potential roomies, I found someone else, a waitress here at Stanley’s, and she had invited all kinds of druggies over when I wasn’t there.
No way was I tempting fate a third time to see what kind of lousy roommate I could find. I was better off on my own.
I’m always on my own.
As an orphan who escaped from Boston to wind up in a small town in Connecticut, I had mostly been living the solo life. At fourteen, I ran away from an abusive foster family near Boston. Then I lucked out finding an older woman in that small town who took me in so long as I would clean her house and not give her hell for being such a pothead. Meeting Derick in high school was the first time I felt un-alone, but I hated how long it took me to realize that I had overlooked his flaws and controlling nature for so long that his company became a curse instead of a plus.
At this rate, I doubted I’d ever want to risk being with someone. After too many times being let down or taken advantage of, I had to be in charge of my life and be very selective about whom I allowed to get close. If I’d allow anyone to get close.
The moment the last dance was over, I headed backstage to change. Nevaeh was already there, grumbling as she counted her money. She glanced up, smirking. “What a shitty night.”
Speak for yourself.“Yeah.”
She was the closest thing I had to a friend, but I’d still not talk about money with her.
“Maybe I should take up Lenny,” she mused as she slumped back in her chair and began rubbing makeup remover wipes over her face. “One of those VIP gigs.”
I winced, shaking my head at her. “Or… you could tell Nicky to get off his lazy ass and earn his own money to handle his car payments.”
She sighed like I was being silly. “One of these days, you’ll see what it’s like.”
“See what it’s like?” I arched a brow at her as I shook out my hair before gathering it into a messy ponytail. It’d take at least twenty minutes in the shower to get all this gunky product out. And I hated to go to bed without cleaning it. It was bad enough tolookdirty as an exotic dancer, but I didn’t want to feel filthy when I was in the privacy of my own room.
“Yeah, one of these days, you’ll meet a man and know what it feels like to want to do everything you can to make him happy.”
I snorted. “Doubt it.”
“Once you find some good dick, you’ll wanna do whatever it takes to hold on to him for as long as possible.” She laughed lightly, making a crude gesture.
“Nah.”
She laughed harder.
“It’s not like Ineeda man to come.” I shrugged as I pulled a T-shirt on. “I’ve got toys that can do the job.”
“Oh, babes. That’s so not the same. A toy will never replace what a big dick can feel like.” She gyrated, almost practicing the moves she’d done on the stage all night.
“Ha,” another dancer, Holly, said as she passed by. “That ain’t true, Nevaeh. She’d need to find a man who’s hung and knows how to use it.” She started dancing too, both of them being lewd and teasing me.