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“Easy,” I answered myself, pacing again. “I’d be back at the club and Lenny would still be harassing me.”
I was too biased to think too hard on whether I was forgiving Maxim’s actions in terms of the end justifying the means. But I had to remind myself to keep this in perspective. No, I didn’t want to struggle and be under Lenny’s abuse, but I also didn’t want Maxim to control my life and keep me captive.
So long as I didn’t lose sight of my independence, relaxation started to feel like a trick.
It is a trick.
He’s manipulating you.
I knew he was because he never answered me why he chose me and why he was keeping me. On that principle, I refused to lower my guard all the way.
Something wasn’t adding up.
I couldn’t be compromised to think that this peaceful solitude was good.
Being fed and cared for and left alone to just rest was all part of the deception.
He wanted me to be at ease.
But why?
Deep, down in my heart, I knew that I had to be right about avoiding Mafia men.
It wasn’t foolish of me to refuse to be controlled by a man.
But I didn’t know why he picked me to keep.
Why, Maxim? Why do you want to keep me here?
That was all he was doing, too. He kept me here in his room, like a princess locked away out of sight from the world. He didn’t come to sleep with me. He didn’t come to touch me at all. With my stubborn silent treatment, he didn’t come to ask me questions more than to see if I needed or wanted anything, both of which I turned away and refused to acknowledge.
This silent treatment was the only power that I had anymore. Refusing to answer his questions or say anything at all was the only means where I could have control over my life.
The longer I stuck with silence, though, the more it dragged on me aboutwhatI was keeping silent about.
I had yet to tell him that I was pregnant with his baby.
I wasn’t saying anything at all, but holding that fact as a secret felt like such a big boulder obligation.
“How would I tell him?” I muttered aloud, pacing just to stay active. No matter which way I considered this issue, I struggled with figuring out if and when I would ever let him know he would be a father.
If I could get the hell out of here, I could run away and not have to tell him.
His act of kidnapping me didn’t fill me with a lot of hope that he wouldn’t be controlling of our child as well.
Besides, how could I want a killer to be the father of my child?
Despite how comfortable and well taken care of I felt under his captivity, this wasn’t freedom. It wasn’t a fate I would want my child to experience. Even in these early days of pregnancy, I was committed to making sure this son or daughter of mine had a better chance at a good life than I ever had.
How?
I was captive and without options. And every day, I grew more anxious about not telling him about the baby.
Keeping it a secret was the only leverage I had. This baby wasallI had. That and debt.
After two weeks of not going to my apartment, I was certain that it was gone. Regardless of whether it had been raided the night before Maxim kidnapped me, there was nothing there that couldn’t be replaced. New tenants were probably moving in already, all my ruined things tossed to the trash.
My job had to be gone too. I had no clue what happened to Lenny’s body or if anyone had seen what Maxim did, but not showing up for two weeks guaranteed that I no longer had a spot on the stage.