Page 36

"You don't hate me for telling you this stuff, do you, Rain?"

I shook my head.

"No, I just don't...! mean, I'm not sure what to say, Roy. After I came home and Mama told me the whole story, it didn't make me feel different about her or Beth or you. Family has to be more than just having the same blood running through your veins. There are lots of brothers and sisters who never talk or see each other. Mama doesn't see her sister or brother and Ken hardly ever mentions his."

"Oh, I know that," Roy said quickly. "I don't expect anything to change overnight."

"I don't know what could change, Roy," I said softly and reached for his hand. "All my life you've been my big brother. I've loved you that way," I said. "I hope you'll always be my big brother."

He looked sad again, the pain that I had seen in his eyes returning, but he tried his best to disguise it.

"Sure," he said, nodding and forcing a smile. "I know that. I'm always going to be here for you, Rain. Nothing's changed that way."

"I have a lot to sort out now," I said. "I'll need your help."

His smile widened and warmed.

"Right. You know, in time, when everything settles in, the whole world will look different to you," he said hopefully. I knew he meant himself, but I couldn't begin to think of him as anything else but my big brother Roy.

"Well, isn't this cozy," Beni said entering.

The blood drained from Roy's face. He let go of my hand as if it was on fire and stood up.

"You shut your dirty mouth," he charged.

"Don't you be the one calling me dirty, Roy Arnold. You hear she isn't really your sister and you're in here holding hands before the day's over?"

"We're not holding hands that way. We're just... talking things out," he stuttered.

"Sure," she said. "Just talking things out." She smirked. "I'm tired. I'm going to bed." She started to undo her blouse.

Roy glanced down at me and then hurried out of the room, pausing in the doorway to look back at Beth.

"You better not make any filthy remarks or--"

"Or what?" she fired back at him, her hands on her hips. "I'm all you've got now. I'm your real sister. She ain't," she said, jabbing her forefinger at me.

Roy's mouth opened and shut and then he turned and slammed the door closed behind him. Beth smiled, happy with herself. I watched her move around the room, getting herself ready for bed.

"That was cruel, Beth. You have no reason to be so angry at us."

"Oh please," she said. Then she stopped and turned on me. "I might as well have been the adopted child. That's the way I've been treated."

"Beni--"

"Let's just go to sleep," she said, "and make believe we're sisters."

"We are sisters. We'll always be sisters, Beth. Nothing about that has changed," I said.

She looked at me as if I was saying the dumbest things and then gave me one of her annoying, condescending smiles.

"Why sure, Rain sugar, we're as thick as water." She laughed and went to the bathroom.

I put on my nightgown and crawled into bed. Beth had nothing more to say. She went to bed herself and put out the lamp on the table. It was dark and unusually quiet in the building. I lay there with my eyes open, thinking about Roy, on the other side of the wall, surely staring into the darkness, too, and maybe listening for the sound of my voice.

It frightened me, but in a confusing way because I couldn't help being flattered, titillated, maybe like Eve reaching for the forbidden fruit, terrified and excited at the same time.

I was almost afraid to fall asleep.