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"And don't start that self-pity, either. It's just as annoying."

"Well, what do you want?" I wailed. Merilyn had just come through the kitchen door. She paused and retreated.

"What do I want?" She laughed to herself. "What do I want? I want my youth back and the chance to avoid the mistakes I made in love and marriage. That's what I want," she declared. "Is there any possibility of my getting my wish? Well? Is there?"

"No," I said.

"Right, no. So, I'll tell you what I want. I want the strength to endure?'

She pressed her palm to her breast.

"Are you all right?"

"Yes," she said "Just a little out of breath. Finish your dinner. I'm going up to rest."

"But you didn't eat much," I said.

"I'll have Merilyn make me some tea and toast." She rose slowly and started out. At the doorway, she wavered. I jumped up and went to her side, taking her arm. She tried to pull away.

"I'm fine," she said.

"You're terrific. We'll go horseback riding tomorrow," I mumbled, but I didn't let go.

She looked at me with surprise.

"I'm helping you upstairs, Mrs. Hudson," I said firmly. "Either with your approval or not."

"Very nice," she said walking, "showing such disrespect."

When we reached the stairway, she paused to catch her breath and then we started up. Although she seemed all right, I didn't let go of her arm.

"I'll be all right from here," she said when we reached the landing. "Go back and finish your dinner. You don't seem to mind the mediocre food."

I smiled and shook my head. She glanced at me, her eyes filling with a humorous twinkle.

"You're a lot like me, Rain," she said, "or like I was when I was your age. Be careful that you don't fall into the same traps?'

"Traps? What traps?"

"Sex and love," she said. "That's all they are, traps."

She continued toward her room, her back more humped, her gait more clumsy. She looked like she had aged years. I was happy she didn't look back. She would have seen the look of pity in my eyes again and she would have been even more outraged.

I returned to the dining room to finish my meal. "Where's Mrs. Hudson?" Merilyn asked.

"She's not feeling well. Bring her some tea and toast in about a half hour," I said.

"Great. Either I'll get fired or she'll die and I'll be out of a job," she muttered.

"That's a horrible, selfish thing to say," I snapped. Her eyes nearly popped. "If she's sick and suffering, you should show some compassion."

"What...why do you care about her so much? She treats you like a servant, too. I hear the way she speaks to you sometimes. She's a rich old white lady. You're just getting a handout?'

"That's my business," I said. "I don't want to hear you talk against her again."

"Everyone gets so snotty here," she moaned.

"You shouldn't worry anyway," I told her. "You have another choice. You don't have to wait to get fired. You can quit."