Page 35

"Want some company for a while?" Roy asked. "Sure," I said.

Roy opened the door, but paused in the doorway. "Oh, I'll come back if you want."

"No, it's all right. I'm done," I said fluffing out my hair. He walked in and sat on my bed, his head down. "Mama all right?" I asked.

"Yeah. She's asleep." He looked up, his eyes full of pain. "That woman's been through hell. She doesn't need any more trouble," he said.

"I'm not going to cause any more, Roy."

He didn't look convinced.

"Do you think I'll be different, too, Roy? Like Beni thinks? You think I'll act as if I'm better?" I asked him.

"No," he said. "I can't imagine you treating anybody bad, Rain. Beni will get over it," he assured me. "She's always trying to get someone to feel sorry for her."

"She needs your love, Roy. She needs to feel wanted," I said.

He looked away for a moment and then he sat forward, bringing his hands to his lap and slowly lifting his head, his ebony eyes fixing on me so intently that it made my heart flutter.

"What?" I asked.

"You know how I felt when I first heard about you?" he asked.

"Confused and upset, I guess."

"No," he said. "I got this overwhelming feeling of relief; I was glad, Rain. It made me feel better about myself," he said.

I shook my head. "Now, I'm the one who's confus

ed." He looked down again before he looked up at me with the softest eyes.

"I used to think there was something terrible wrong with me, Rain. As long as I can remember, I had feelings toward you that made me sick

sometimes."

"Sick?" I turned more toward him. "Why?"

"Because I was looking at you in a way a brother shouldn't look at his sister. I couldn't help myself. I tried not to look at you more than I should. I even tried not to touch you. And if I did..."

"What?" I asked, my breath caught in my throat. "Well, I was feeling more like a man than a brother. You understand?"

I did, but I shook my head because I didn't want to understand.

"I was even jealous of the idea of you having a boyfriend. I was glad you were so particular. And I'd hate myself for being like that. I even thought about going to see the minister. Sometimes, I'd lay awake just listening through the walls to hear you and Beni talk, to hear your voice.

"I didn't want to be that way. I hated myself and once ... once I poked a pen into my leg to stop it," he said.

My eyes must have grown so big so fast, it scared him. "I didn't really hurt myself that much," he quickly added.

"Stop what, Roy?" I asked.

He looked away and then back at me, his face angry.

"The feelings I had for you, the heat in my body. It isn't right, I kept telling myself. It's ugly. It's sinful. But I couldn't help it and the older and prettier you got, the harder it was for me to stop it. When that creep Jerad made those remarks in the street about us, I thought I would kill him with my bare hands, but not because of what he said. Because I felt as if he saw what was inside me and I hated him for that and hated myself for showing it.

"So," he continued with a small smile on his lips, "when Beth told me what happened and the truth about you, I felt this weight lift off my heart, Rain. I thought, I'm not bad, after all. I know this is painful for you, but I can't help it--I'm glad you aren't my blood sister," he finally admitted.

Suddenly, as if for the first time, I realized I was sitting there with just a towel around me and Roy was in the same room. I never thought much about it before, but now I actually began to tremble in my seat, uncertain, wondering what I should say or do that wouldn't make him feel horrible. He was big and strong, but he looked as vulnerable as that little boy I had seen in the playground, desperate for a smile and some reassurance.