Page 17

After school Friday, she went directly to Alicia's. Mama actually forgot about it and wondered where she was when she returned from work that night. I reminded her.

"Oh yeah," she said scrubbing her cheeks with her dry palms to revive herself. She looked so tired. "I hope she isn't getting herself into any trouble," she muttered. She thought for a moment and then looked at me closely. "How come you aren't going to any parties, Rain, or asking to go on any dates?"

"I don't know, Mama. I'm too particular, I guess," I said. "That's what all the other girls think about me."

"Good," she said. She stabbed the word at me. "Good. Be particular. Set high goals for yourself. You won't be sorry."

"What if they're too high, Mama? What if they're so high no boy will ever ask me out?" I wondered.

"The right one will when the time comes," she said, full of faith. "You're special, Rain. Always remember that."

"Why am I special?" I asked.

She turned me around so I could look at myself in the mirror as she held my shoulders and gazed at my image with me.

"Look at what you see there, girl. You're special. Anyone can see you have something more in your eyes, in your mind. You're not just pretty. You've got quality and one day, you're going to make me proud," she predicted.

I shook my head. Was she just seeing me through a mother's prejudiced eyes or did she really see something I couldn't see, something her age and experience pointed out for her? I hoped she was right, but I was also afraid she was right. It made me more worried about making some terrible-mistake.

When Roy returned from work, the first thing he asked was whether or not Beni actually had gone to the party. He wasn't happy about it and mumbled so much at dinner Mama told him to stop his worrying and go do things boys his age do.

"Why don't you find yourself a nice girl, Roy?" she asked him. "It isn't natural for you to spend all your time trying to be the man of this house. You got a life too. I don't ever want to steal away my children's lives, understand?"

"You're not stealing anything I don't want to give you, Mama," he said.

She smiled and looked at me. Then she grew sad again. "My children have to grow up faster than most. It doesn't seem right."

"It's too dangerous to be a child and live here," Roy said. "You got to grow up."

"Ain't that the truth. It's what the reverend says too. The precious time of innocence is shorter for us."

Mama was falling into one of her deep depressions. I tried getting her mind off it by getting her to describe her own childhood and her mother and some of the places she had been. She talked a little, but after dinner, she closed her eyes and almost fell asleep in her seat. Roy and I cleaned up and Mama went in to watch television, which meant she would fall asleep in her chair and wake up after the late news to go to bed.

"Why don't we go to a movie?" Roy suddenly asked me.

"You don't have to spend your time amusing me, Roy," I told him. "I have some reading I can do."

"It's no sacrifice. I want to go to a movie and hate going alone," he told me.

"Mama's right, Roy. You should be going on dates, too."

He bristled.

"And what about you?"

"When I find someone I like and he asks me, I'll go," I said.

"That's the way I think too," he said and we both laughed. "In the meantime, we can go to the movies. I got money just waiting to be spent."

I always felt safe with Roy and it wasn't just because he was big and strong like Ken. He was always alert, cautious, aware of what was going on around us in the streets, and he hovered over me like a protective angel. Without speaking, he would take my arm and gently but firmly turn me to cross a street or wait while some gang members passed in front of us. Roy always believed it was easier and wiser to avoid confrontations. It didn't make you a coward; it made you smarter.

Neither of us had spoken a word about the dirty things Jerad had implied when Roy rescued us that afternoon, but I felt he was a little more self-conscious about every look he gave me, self-conscious every time he touched me. Once, I would have thought nothing of him taking my hand when we walked in the street. He was my big brother. Why not? But suddenly, a whole new world of meaning surrounded every move we made, every word we spoke to each other, and every look we exchanged. Even an innocent thing as a big brother asking his sister to go to the movies felt a little uncomfortable, but I didn't want him to feel that way, so I agreed and we went.

The movie had a lot of action in it with special effects that made you jump in your seat, but there was a warm love story, too. The audience was noisy and some boys in front of us got into a fight. The management threw them out. I recognized they were boys from our school.

"Fools," Roy muttered. "They act just the way people expect them to act."

Roy was no activist. He wasn't one to join causes and organizations. He was a private man, really a loner, but he held onto his beliefs about race relations and equality. He never made speeches, but from the things he said here and there, I knew he was ashamed of the way the people in The Projects behaved. It was why he hated the gangs so much and never hung out with boys who belonged.