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“I know. I just…how do I get past this? I can’t go home and sleep with her again. My friend,” I said, waving my hand in Brock’s direction, “told me I should take you ladies home and sleep with you. It’s supposed to make her jealous. But honestly? I don’t want to make her jealous and win that way. I want her to realize that I’m the man for her, and she can’t live without me.”
“That’s all anyone wants,” the brunette answered.
“Right?” I exclaimed. “Is there something wrong with me? Am I not good-looking enough? Is my personality not the best? I mean, I do still have a couch in my doorway, but that’s understandable. It got wedged in there.”
The ladies exchanged a confused look as I continued to ramble on.
“The thing is, I can’t imagine myself with anyone but her. And I don’t know how long I can keep this up. I need her like…like the winter needs snow. Like ornaments need a Christmas tree. Like the Grinch needed the spirit of Christmas!”
I drank the blonde’s drink since she hadn’t touched it yet and slumped in my seat. I had to face it, I wasn’t cut out for taking two women home. There was no way it would work.
“What if we were to help you out,” the blonde said, her eyes sparkling with mirth.
“How? Are you gonna talk to her and tell her how amazing I am?”
“Actually…” She looked at her friend, then back to me. “What if we went home with you and…put on a show?”
“I don’t think she’s really into theater,” I snorted.
“I meant, what if we go home with you and put on a show behind closed doors,” the woman said, her jaw tensing in irritation.
I was so out of it that it hadn’t immediately connected in my pea-sized brain. “Oh. Oh! Right, you want to…help me perform in a way that she thinks I’m doing things I’m not.”
She rolled her eyes at me. “That was generally the idea, but you’re making it sound icky.”
I stood suddenly, shoving back from my stool. “I can do that. I mean, totally, as long as you promise there’ll be no touching. I can’t do that to her.”
“I agree. It would be icky,” the blonde laughed.
I was about to walk them out when I turned and narrowed my eyes at them. “You know, this isn’t really very safe for you. What if I was here to kill you or tie you to a chair and have my way with you?”
“How do you know that’s not our plan?” the blonde asked as she smirked and walked past me.
“You just have to moan,”the blonde said in frustration. “It’s not that hard.”
I winced. “I know, but…I can’t pretend to be into you. It doesn’t work that way.”
She slammed her hands down on the bed, the very bed I spentevery night in with Laura. I cringed at the thought of her destroying our love nest. This was the wrong way to go about all of this.
“Can you give me just one minute,” I pleaded. They both rolled their eyes, then waved me off. I slipped out the door, tiptoeing over to Brock’s door. After a quick knock, I dragged him across the hall and pulled him inside.
“What the fuck are you doing?” he shouted.
I shushed him, hoping Laura didn’t hear downstairs. She saw me come home with the ladies, and the look on her face nearly killed me. She almost seemed happy for me.
“Look, I need you to pretend to have sex with these women.”
He glanced at them, jerked his head in a nod, then turned back to me with a laugh. “You want me to pretend to have sex with them.”
“Yes, you know, make the right noises. And make it believable,” I quickly tacked on.
“Why would I agree to that?”
“Because you’re my friend.”
“You know, your jar is quickly filling up.”
“What jar?” I asked in disbelief. “What the fuck are you talking about?”