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I cringed at the idea. “I’m not sure I’m a two-woman guy.”
“Seriously? You’re the first man I’ve ever heard say that. What kind of man doesn’t want two women?”
“The kind that only has his eyes on one woman. She’s like…like…my Christmas tree.”
“Excuse me?”
“You know, when you’re decorating for Christmas and you find that one tree that lights up your house and makes everything homey and just right…Laura is my Christmas tree.”
“I know I’m going to regret asking this, but what are the ornaments on the Christmas tree?”
“Those are pieces of her personality—each one unique and shiny.”
“And the garland?”
“Those are her tits.”
“Obviously,” he said, his eyes widening comically. “And the lights?”
I sighed, resting my chin in my hand. “Each light a special part of her heart. And if you get those color-changing lights, it shows off her mood.”
“Dude, I’m sorry. This was the wrong way to go. Taking a woman home isn’t going to solve anything. You’re fucked. There is absolutely no woman out there that can solve the situation you’re in.”
“Don’t say that,” I groaned. “I can’t go home and spend another night in bed with her.”
“Then you’re gonna have to man up, walk over there, and take those gorgeous women home and fuck them. I’m sorry, man, but this is your lot in life.”
“I know,” I grumbled, slamming my beer down. “Fine. I’ll go over there and invite them home with me. But I’m not gonna enjoy it and you can’t make me!” I said, stabbing my finger at him.
I headed to the bar first and ordered drinks for the ladies. As for myself, I had to go in with a clear head. The last thing I needed was to screw this up. I took a deep breath as I picked up the glasses and gave myself a small pep talk. I could do this. It was just another day at a bar.
Clearing my throat, I headed over to them, grinning as I set the drinks down. “Hey, ladies. Mind if I sit down with you?”
“We’re actually having a ladies’ night,” the blonde answered.
The brunette, however, looked me up and down. “I could be persuaded.”
I slid the drink over and took a seat. “You’re looking very lovely this evening. That shade of…brown really…brings out the…freckles on your face.”
Her smile quickly faded as she took a long drink. “Thanks.”
I nodded, knowing I blew that one, so I turned to the blonde. “And your hair is…almost…as beautiful as Laura’s.”
“Oh, God,” the brunette groaned. “How do we always find these guys?”
“I know. Desperate men who?—”
“Whoa!” I cut in. “I’m not desperate.”
“Then you really suck at this,” the brunette answered.
I sighed, knowing it was true. “Look, I’m normally not this bad at dating, but the woman I’m falling in love with doesn’t like me like that. She gave me the shoulder slug.”
“Ooh,” the blonde winced. “That’s bad.”
“I know,” I snorted. “And to make matters worse, she’s staying with me because her house was destroyed in the tornado. And every night she curls up next to me, rubbing her body against mine. And I wake up with her wrapped in my arms. I’ve even been…sniffing her hair,” I admitted grudgingly.
Instead of laughing at me, they both placed their hands on my arms, rubbing gently. “That’s so horrible.”