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When she moves the scissors away from the area around my mouth, I look up at her and ask, “Have you ever had a thought that didn’t drop straight from your brain to your mouth like a slot machine?”
Stopping for a moment, she smiles and answers, “No, I haven’t. By the way, what’s going on with that hand of yours? Not the one you don’t have but the area right above that.”
I lift my right arm and see the scar from what I did in April. “I tried to kill myself.”
She makes a huffing noise. “Well, that’s stupid.”
Stunned and a little hurt by her answer, although I don’t know why since she’s nobody to me, I snap, “Nice. Just leave. I don’t need your help.”
I reach for the scissors, but she backs away, refusing to give them to me. “Okay, that might have been a touch rude, but seriously? Someone like you wanting to kill yourself is so wrong. I can’t imagine why you’d even think of that.”
Without saying a word, I give her my answer by raising my right arm. She stares at it for a long moment and then points at my left hand.
“What about that one?”
“I’m right-handed. Or at least I was,” I answer.
Without missing a beat, she chops off more of my beard and casually says, “And now you’re left-handed.”
Jesus, I think I might hate this person. If I didn’t need her help to get this beard gone, I’d tell her to get the fuck away from me in a heartbeat.
“Nice bedside manner you have,” I grumble, disgusted that yet another person is acting like it’s just fine that I lost my right hand because I have another.
Sabrina returns to trimming my beard and says, “I’m not a nurse. I’m here to help Ava with chores and the babies, and I think she mentioned something about driving you to doctor’s appointments, although I don’t see how that’s going to work since you basically never leave this house. But no matter. You don’t need a nurse. You look as healthy as a horse, and once we get all this awful hair gone, you’ll be back to new.”
The conversation, or what there is of it, falls away, leaving us in silence. All the better. She has a way of making me feel like I want to lash out at something every time she opens her mouth.
As she continues to prune away at my very shaggy beard, she asks, “Have you gotten a pair of left-handed scissors yet? I bet that’s cool having special scissors.”
For a moment, I can’t tell if she’s serious, but since she stares down at me waiting for an answer, I say, “I think those are only for little kids.”
“Too bad. I bet that would be cool to have some for adults. Okay, the first part is done. Now it’s time to shave. Hand me the razor.”
I consider telling her I can shave my own face, but I don’t feel like failing at that too, so I point to the blue plastic razor sitting on the vanity. She grabs it but then puts it down again.
“Need some soap. This would work better with shaving cream, but soap can work too.”
She seems to have the need to talk, but I’m not interested, so I close my eyes. She lathers my face and then starts shaving along my jaw. As she takes care of one side and then the other before moving to around my mouth, I let myself enjoy this. It’s not as good as that time I went to that barber with Kellen in high school, but this comes in a nice second place.
When she finally finishes, she wipes off my face with a warm washcloth sort of like that barber did and says, “There you go! Good as new. You know, you have a really nice face.”
I open my eyes and stand up to look in the mirror to check out how she did. Running my hand over my newly smooth skin, I have to admit she did a decent job.
Smiling at how good I look, I turn toward her and say, “Not bad. I’m guessing this isn’t your first time doing that.”
That makes her chuckle, and as she rinses out the razor, she says, “I’m twenty-one, Ronan. My first time for most things is long gone.”
Surprisingly, she leaves without another word, and as I sit alone on my bed, I realize I’m smiling. I haven’t been like this for so long I forgot how it felt.
I think I sort of like feeling happy again.
Then I look down at my right am, and I feel my smile fade. Nothing’s changed.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Ronan
I overheardAva tell Eleanor that Kate is coming over today when I walked down to the kitchen to grab my dinner last night. I can’t explain it, but I’ve felt like I’ve been walking on air ever since.