Page 10

I just need to get away from him, from the hurt seeing him now makes me feel.
The pain of that night washes over me again, and I collapse onto my bed. I shouldn’t feel like my heart is breaking all overagain, but I do. Maybe my mother’s right. Maybe I can’t be around Ronan now.
No, I can’t think of how hard it’ll be to see him again. Whatever pain the memory of that night brings me is nothing compared to what he must be going through. He’s lost the one thing he always dreamed of. That’s so much worse than anything I might go through talking to him now.
CHAPTER FOUR
Ronan
Another knock on my door,the third or maybe the fourth today, makes me want to throw something in that direction. Too bad my fucking hand is gone. Whoever it is that insists on bothering me is lucky I can’t do a damn thing with the one that’s left.
I don’t bother yelling for them not to come in. They’re going to anyway, so why expend the energy?
The door creaks as it opens, but I’m not looking at who’s coming in. It’s probably Ava or Eleanor, and neither of them require me to acknowledge them. I glance at the clock on the nightstand and see it’s nearly dinnertime. So that’s why they feel the need to interrupt my day again.
“I have a surprise for you, Ronan,” Ava says in that sweet voice I shouldn’t hate since she means well.
Still, I don’t turn to look at her. I don’t give a fuck about her surprise. The last time she said that she came in with a birthday cake to celebrate my birthday six months too early. She said it was to cheer me up, but all I could think was she doesn’tunderstand how calendars or birthdays work. When I told her I wish I’d never have another birthday again, she practically burst into tears. Kellen claims it was because she was pregnant. Whatever the reason, the whole thing got me a visit from Matthias I could have done without since I don’t care why she cried.
“Okay, I’ll just leave you here with your lovely surprise,” Ava says before I hear the door close.
I don’t give a damn what the surprise is, but I turn my head to see it anyway and instead see Kate. What the fuck is she doing here?
“Hi, Ronan,” my ex-girlfriend shyly says, her expression full of the one thing I never want to see again.
Pity. I could handle anything else but fucking pity.
Hating that I see that in her, I turn away and go back to staring out at the summer day outside my window. I swear I hear kids playing somewhere, but that’s not possible since the grounds this house sits on are at least a mile away in every direction from other people and Matthias and Ava’s kids are too small to be outside making that noise.
I used to love to play on the grounds when I was small. Kellen and I would convince Theo to chase us around the backyard, and sometimes he’d scare us so we’d run to the part of the estate we were never supposed to go to. He never cared. Rules were meant to be broken, according to him. Anyway, if our parents said anything, he’d blame it on me. Being the youngest, I always ensured he never got into trouble because our parents rarely punished me for anything.
Those were the days.
“I’m sorry I didn’t come over to see you before, Ronan, but I just got home from being out of the country since December and didn’t hear what happened until today.”
Kate’s careful not to say what she didn’t find out until today, but even unspoken, the words echo throughout the room. That I lost my hand and now I have nothing to live for. She should have just said it. At least that would be a change from everyone else who works overtime walking on eggshells around me and acting like everything’s going to be fine.
It isn’t. It won’t be ever again. Why no one can see that I’ll never understand.
When I don’t respond to her attempt to start a conversation, she walks around my bed and stands in my line of sight. “I’m sorry I wasn’t around until now. This must be so hard for you,” she says, and once more, all I see and now hear is fucking pity.
Finally, I meet her gaze and see tears in her blue eyes. I loved looking into her eyes when we were together. They’re what Eleanor says is cornflower blue. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen that particular shade of blue she’s talking about, but Kate’s blue eyes are soft, like they never held any hint of judgment in them.
Never once until that night I had to tell her I fucked up.
She shouldn’t be here. She had every right to leave me after that. I cheated on her, like some asshole who didn’t know how good he had it. She should hate me.
“You shouldn’t have come here,” I say through gritted teeth as my anger threatens to explode out of me like it hasn’t since that day Matthias, Marius, and Kellen insisted I needed to come live here instead of at my apartment.
If I’d finished myself off like I wanted to, I’d be free of them and Kate.
She takes a step toward the bed and stops. I can smell her perfume. It’s the same stuff she used to wear when we dated. I can’t remember the name of it, but I’d recognize that scent anywhere. Light and flowery, it reminds me of spring and the two of us happy together.
“I know we haven’t spoken in a while, but I’m always going to be here for you, Ronan. You were a huge part of my life for a long time. As soon as my sister told me what happened, I had to come over to see you.”
So, she wants to talk? Fine. We’ll talk. Just a nice chat between two people who once cared about one another.
“Why? What good do you think it does coming to see me? Did you want to see if what you heard was real? Well, then fine. Take a look.”