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CHAPTER ONE
Ronan
The silence threatens todrive me crazy, just as it does every night around this time. I lean over and pick up my phone off the nightstand. 3:22. God, I’d give anything to sleep through the night for once.
That hasn’t happened since the accident. At first, the doctors thought I kept waking up because of pain. Then they guessed it was because I was having a hard time getting off the pain pills. That was three months ago.
Now they think my sleep is off because of anxiety.
They’ve been wrong every time. I can’t sleep because I can’t stop thinking about all I lost. It’s got nothing to do with the drugs they pumped into me right after the accident or how fucking hard it was to break free from their hold, and it’s certainly not because of anxiety.
What the hell do I have to be anxious about? I have my entire life in front of me. On top of that, I have more money than nearly every person on the planet. Even if I found a way to spend everylast dime of my billions left to me when my parents died, my family would help me.
So you see, I have nothing to be worried about. At least, that’s what everyone wants me to think.
That’s what the shrink I see every week wants me to believe. She’s very nice and doesn’t speak in that irritating social worker voice so many in healthcare do, but she really has no clue how to help me.
The problem is to anyone looking in from the outside, my life isn’t that bad. I’m wealthy and have people who care about me. The accident didn’t hurt my looks, which wasn’t obvious for the first few weeks after. I knew when Matthias and Ava walked into my hospital room that I was in rough shape. He tried to put on that stoic, miserable guy thing he sometimes still does, and she was all smiles and cheeriness, but I knew by the fear in their eyes that I looked bad. The cuts and bruises healed, though, so I look like I always have.
Like the youngest version of my brothers.
Except for one difference.
Nobody wants to think about that, though. Not that I want to either, but I can’t escape it. They have no idea how much I wish I could wake up each day and be the person I was before. Then again, I don’t sleep through the night, so it’s not like I get even a few hours reprieve from the reality of what my life is now.
I look around the room for the bottle of pills Ava insists on moving further away from me every afternoon. It’s only an inch or two difference each time, but every day they’re in a new place. I think she’s scared that if she doesn’t do something, I’m going to become addicted to them. Or something worse. They’re only sleeping pills, so it wouldn’t be a big deal like the drugs they gave me in the hospital, but she’s worried, so she does her little rearranging routine in my room every day right before dinner.
She means well. I know that. She’s just afraid I might do something to hurt myself again. That’s why she makes sure there are never more than a handful of pills in the bottle at any time. I have the feeling she thinks I haven’t noticed these little tricks she’s playing. Even though I haven’t mentioned any of it to her, I know what she’s up to.
Not that she’s alone in her concern. Every time Matthias is in the same room as I am, his face tells the entire story of what he’s thinking. Even when he tries to make it seem like he’s happy, smiling like he’s on top of the world, how he truly feels can be seen in his eyes. Same with Kellen and Marius. Everyone acts like they’re walking on eggshells whenever I’m around, forcing smiles and acting like nothing happened.
But it did. And in that one moment when some stranger made the wrong choice, my life was changed forever.
That lady shrink keeps telling me to focus on the good I have in my life. Sometimes I can, but when I lie in this bed staring up at the ceiling in the middle of the night, I can’t help but let my mind drift off to when I had everything.
It’s been seven years, yet when I close my eyes, I’m right back there on a cold winter’s night with everything in front of me. I had it all. The girl. The life. The dream.
As I fuss with my tie trying to get the Windsor knot right, I walk into the game room to find my brothers all dressed for the party. Theo and Kellen take turns trying to beat Marius at a game of pool, and Matthias sits sulking on the sofa watching a football game.
“What’s wrong with you? Why do you look like someone just killed your best friend?” I ask him.
He shoots me a glare that’s typical of him lately, and Theo answers, “You know Matthias. He’s always surly. He wishes he was anywhere else but here for this party tonight.” Turningto face him, Theo asks, “Anywhere in particular you wish you were, Matthias?”
I don’t know whatever inside joke my two oldest brothers have going on, but Matthias shoots him a vicious look that makes me think if someone doesn’t change the subject, the two of them are going to be throwing punches any minute now.
“Can someone help me with this tie? I keep screwing it up,” I say to no one in particular.
Marius looks up from eyeing up his shot and smiles. “Big night for you, huh, Ronan? The girlfriend’s parents are finally coming over to meet us. We better be on our best behavior.”
Kellen rolls his eyes and then shakes his head. “What’s the big deal? It’s Dad’s usual holiday party.”
Finally, Theo walks over to where I’m standing with both ends of my tie in my hands and takes them from me. “Here, I’ve got it.”
I watch as he goes through the motions to get the Windsor knot right, his fingers moving fast as he slides the tie over and under, and when he’s finished, I look up to see him smiling at me. He doesn’t say anything, so I shake my head and ask, “What’s so funny?”
As the youngest with four older brothers, I’m used to them busting my ass about everything from how I look to what I’m doing at any given moment. Marius and Theo especially enjoy teasing me about whatever they can.
Theo pats the finished Windsor knot. “Nothing. Like Marius said, tonight’s a big night for you. Are you ready?”