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Chapter Forty-Seven

Kinsley

Tanner buttons his shirt and tucks it into his slacks as I continue to pick the invisible lint off of my black pencil skirt. My stomach feels as though it’s in my chest, my palms sweaty.

It’s been a long week, the days full of police interviews and funeral planning. Dad’s the one who has had to spend the most time down at the station; he seems to be doing okay though. I almost laugh at that thought. Are any of us really okay? Dark humour has been my saving grace, even though I am convinced that Tanner is only days away from having me locked up in a psych ward.

“Hey girl, it’s just me!” Sophie calls out from downstairs. Did she knock? I didn’t even hear the door open.

Warmth trails up my neck; Tanner’s eyes are on me, I can feel it. He tips my chin up, stealing my attention with his deep blue eyes. “I’ll go down and send her up. When you’re ready, we will get going.”

Pulling a handkerchief from his pocket, he gently catches a tear falling down my cheek. Thank God for waterproof mascara.

The click-clack of heels carry Sophie up the stairs as I straighten my silk blouse, fiddling with the already fastened buttons. I don’t want to be seen today and I don’t mean physically seen, I can handle that; I mean seen . I don’t want someone to peel the layers away, breaking into the hurt and anger that I’ve been locking up inside of me. If someone manages to let it out, I won’t be able to contain it. It will consume me; the darkness, the shadows, the voices. Everything I have crammed into the box in the corner of my mind.

The only person I want to confide in, is the same person I’m going to say goodbye to for the final time. The person who put themselves in danger to protect me. He would know what to do. He would reach inside my mind, take the box, and place it in front of us. Then, whilst holding my hand, he would open it and slowly let each emotion creep out. First, the sadness and the guilt; I would cry in his arms, as he stroked my hair and whispered sweet nothings. Letting me sit in silence, just holding me. Second, the anger, frustration and resentment. Even though targeted at him, he would help me glove up and let me exert all the built-up tension. Then would come the emptiness; the soul-crushing feeling of abandonment. My pulse thumps in my head at the thought, the sound dulling out all my surroundings.

Thump. Thump. Thump.

I want to scream, the repetition becoming too much for me to handle.

Make it stop!

Thump. Thump. Thump.

How can I make it stop?

Strong hands grip my shoulders, their fingertips pressing in. Slowly, I hear them; the sobs and sniffles in the background. My eyes dart around unfocused, before landing on Tanner standing directly in front of me. He’s sternly calling my name, trying to bring me back.

* * *

Sitting front row at a funeral hits differently. In all honesty, if I wasn’t required front row at a funeral, I probably wouldn’t go. I don’t understand those oldies, you know the ones. The ones that check the local paper and read the death notices to see if there is anyone that they know. I guess it’s just the progression of life though, right? Engagement announcements, weddings, pregnancies and births … Then the death notices.

This is my fifth time sitting in the front row at a funeral. Five fucking times. Pale, grieving faces of people dressed in black flash in my vision from each funeral I’ve attended.

Nine years old when my dad was presumed dead.

Ten years old to bury my brother.

Seventeen years old when Jesse’s dad passed away.

Eighteen years old and left alone in the world by my mother.

Truth be told, she had checked out a long time prior to that. Her funeral was one of the hardest though, because other than Jesse and Marie, I had no one in that front row with me; and they were only present out of support for me. Mum had lost Jesse and Marie’s respect years ago.

Whoever is mapping out my life story needs to give me a break, or just drop the fucking pen, because I’m done. I don’t have anything left to give anymore.

“— that concludes our service. We ask for you to respect the family, as they move to the cemetery for a private burial. Refreshments are in the function room, please help yourselves. The family will join you once they have concluded. Thank you.”

The celebrant’s conclusion of the service pulls me from my thoughts. I blink a few times to focus my eyes and notice Tanner’s hand resting on my knee. Placing my hand on top of his, I squeeze, my gaze meeting his through our dark sunglasses. I can’t see his eyes, but I know they’re laced with concern for me. Time to be strong, Kinsley. The waves of emotion I am feeling today are wild, right now I’m made of stone, a force to be reckoned with. Not an emotion in sight.

Standing, I take note of both Soph and Dad hovering closely behind Tanner. Knowing I have tabs on them, I look for Marie. She was sitting right next to me at the beginning of the service, but I zoned out and now she’s nowhere to be seen. Scanning the rows of people once more, I begin to walk. There are a lot of people here, but none that she would confide in. My mind ticks over, scrolling through the internal list of people who could be here that she would wander off with. Louise . Of course, she was travelling up to stay with her and attend the funeral; it’s been so many years that I had almost forgotten that she existed.

Louise was Jesse’s Aunty, well not technically. You know those best friends you have from childhood, that when you eventually have kids they just call them Aunty? Well, me neither. But she was like that kind of Aunty to Jesse. She was a constant in his life, from the moment he was born, up until she moved away. I think he missed her so much that he named Lou-loo after her. I believe it was around the same time that Dad went missing when she moved away … It had to have been, because I don’t think she never came around whilst I was living there. Focus Kinsley, look for Louise.

The crowd of people split into two, the majority moving towards the function space, a separate building to the right of the one the ceremony was held in. The rest of us begin to make our way to the cemetery. The cemetery is conveniently located on the same grounds; sitting among beautiful gardens that are full of native Australian flora, with tall gumtrees scattered throughout. Just ahead of us, off to our right is a bench seat and sitting there is Marie, Louise and Lou-loo.

Lou barks, her tail wagging as I approach, causing Marie and Louise to whip their heads in my direction. I was expecting red puffy eyes and miserable expressions — and while it is their red eyes that greet me, miserable wouldn’t be the word I use to describe their expressions. They look like two naughty teens who have been caught around the back of the school gym. Marie slaps a hand over her mouth and Louise giggles, hiding something down to her side. Smoke begins to drift up from where they sit, floating higher with the breeze; their reaction and the smell tells me they have smoked something a little stronger than tobacco. I shake my head, a smile spreading wide across my face. Jesse will be getting a kick out of this.

Slowly, I walk further into the area and move to the front of the small group. With a steadying breath, I suppress the emotions threatening to bubble over. The celebrant steps to the side, allowing me space to say a few words. Talk straight to him, Kins. Talk to him as though no one else is around.

“Jesse. Fuck — Jess, how did we get here? It was only yesterday that I was hanging out the window of your ute, flying down dirt roads. Having dance parties in my bedroom, when you would sneak through my window.” Tilting my head back, I look to the sky, hoping to keep the tears filling my eyes at bay for just a little while longer. “You were always there, Jesse. It was always us against the world. I hope you knew how deeply my love ran for you. You were my person. You were my reason. ” Looking back down, my eyes lock onto his coffin …

His coffin .

I can’t hold it in any longer, I try to speak but the lump in my throat catches; my emotions begin to bubble over and a sob is all that comes out. Taking a shuddering breath, I try to go on, I need to tell him; he needs to know this. “H-how can you expect me to go on? How —” I feel Tanner come to stand beside me. I turn into him, burying my face into his chest, the tears flow freely now and my voice is barely a whisper, “I can’t.” Wrapping me in his hold, Tanner moves us to the side so that the officiant may take over; reading a verse we chose before To Be Loved — Tones she is looking for him. She knows something is wrong but she doesn’t understand why he hasn’t come home. Lowering myself, I wrap my arms around her neck and bury my head into her fur as she begins to whine. “It will be okay Lou, I have you now.”

* * *

“The four of us will follow you back home.” I squeeze Marie’s hand as we walk towards the car park. Lou nudges my leg, her big brown eyes trying to tell me something. “What is it, girl?” I tilt my head, mimicking her. She looks at Marie and barks once. “You want to go with Marie?” I ask and Lou-loo barks again.

“I think she wants to ride with us,” Louise pipes up from a few steps behind.

“Go on then,” I say, opening the back door of Marie’s car, Lou-loo jumps in. “Be good; we will be right behind you.” I give her a scratch under her chin and close the door.

Tanner guides me towards the car, his large hand warm against the small of my back. Sophie is there waiting for us, her sleek black hair and black clothing give off Addams Family vibes. The thought has my lips turning up at the sides, she elbows me in the ribs. “Hey!” I protest. “What was that for?”

“You gave me a look,” she shrugs, batting her eyelids at me.

“Get in the goddamn car,” Tanner laughs, opening the back door and ushering us both in; we both may have had one too many glasses of wine during the wake. Dad climbs into the passenger seat and Tanner starts the engine.

It’s not long before we are walking up the steps and into the comforting feeling of home. Showing the others into the living area, I flick on the kettle to make a pot of tea. The cupboard in the top right hand corner of the kitchen catches my eye; it was the alcohol cupboard when we were kids. I glance over my shoulder, probably out of habit, before pulling it open.

There are several dusty, half empty bottles; Vodka, Malibu and Blue Curacao just to name a few, my stomach churns at the memories. My days of Fruit Tingles are long gone. Someone clears their throat behind me and I close the cupboard. Louise is standing there, a bottle in hand and three tall glass mugs.

“Irish Coffee?” She winks, handing me a bottle of Baileys with a smirk on her face. Louise is trouble. No wonder Jesse liked her so much.

Carrying the pot of tea and three mugs, I place them on the table, whilst Louise makes sure Marie and I both get our spiked coffee. Sophie gives me a knowing wink, I would have made her one too, but I know she needs to drive home once we get back to the apartment and she already had one too many wines earlier.

Taking in my surroundings, I see Tanner’s eyes are focused on Louise, almost as though he finds her familiar. She doesn’t seem to reciprocate the exchange when their eyes meet, only briefly smiling and moving on. Strange. Make a mental note, Kinsley, that was definitely a little odd. I’ll bring it back up with him later.