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Chapter Forty-Three

Kinsley

“Kins.” Tanner looks at me, his hard and moody expression from earlier is gone,the raw emotion in its place causes my chest to tighten.

No, I need him strong, I need him to hold me together. I’m not ready to feel all of this yet.

He nods. “Yeah, Pip.” Reading my thoughts he takes my hand, squeezing gently. “I need you to acknowledge all of this, then we can go home.”

I squeeze my eyes shut, as if I were a child making a wish. If only I had woken up and all this was a dream. I know what I want to say, but the words won’t leave my mouth. I focus on my breathing, counting in for four and out for eight. My heartbeat slows and I open my eyes. Please, don’t make me say it.

“They have him in a room, he has been cleaned up so that when Marie arrives she can go and see him.” He hesitates for a moment before continuing, “Do you want me to take you?”

“Marie.” Her name tastes bitter on my tongue, and Tanner nods.

“The police came around earlier to speak with us, you were still asleep. They said we could go into the station tomorrow, once you have been discharged. They sent someone to Marie’s home to speak with her and I believe they are going to drive her in.”

The information filters through my mind. Marie, Police — my dad. “Dad,” I announce out loud. “— my dad. Tanner, is my dad alive?”

So much has happened, most of which I hoped was a nightmare to wake up from, but this is something I never could have imagined. Our encounter was brief, and I wasn’t able to acknowledge him properly with my attention focused on Jesse, but he was there nonetheless.

Tanner moves to sit up on the bed next to me, shuffling me into his arms. I rub my temple as he kisses the top of my head. “Yeah, Kins. Your dad is alive. He was here earlier but he had to leave with the Police to make a statement; he was checked over first before they took him. I think he will be stuck down at the station for a few hours.”

“W-what happened to —” A nurse enters the room, interrupting me.

“Sorry to interrupt, but there is a Mrs Fernandez here to see you,” the nurse says, pain laced in her voice. Word would have travelled throughout the hospital about what has happened.

Words fail me. My body begins to shake, my teeth chatter and sweat builds on my palms. How can I face her right now? Multiple what if’s race around in my mind, the biggest one being … What if she blames me?

Tanner acknowledges the nurse, and then Marie slowly enters the room. Even with bloodshot puffy eyes she tries to smile; always our pillar of strength . She walks towards us, her eyes drifting over my body — she’s making sure I’m safe. The woman who has just lost her son is standing before me and hiding all emotion to ensure my safety.

Tanner releases me from his hold and I move myself to the edge of the bed. Marie pulls me into her arms, squeezing tight; when she lets go, she brushes my hair out of my face and looks deep into my eyes. “I haven’t been to see him yet, I needed to make sure you were all in one piece first. Do you need anything?”

“I—I’m so sorry.” Is all I can manage. Sorry? Really Kinsley, that’s as good as you can do?

Marie blinks firmly a few times, an attempt at stopping the tears threatening to fall. “You have nothing to be sorry about, my girl. He made a promise and he fulfilled that.” Her eyes stray to Tanners before coming back to me. “He’s left you in good hands.”

For the first time since I have woken up, the tears fall freely; cascading down my cheeks. My chest contracts and I wonder if you really can die from a broken heart. This pain is something I have never experienced before, this grief so different from all the others.

I find Tanner’s eyes watching me attentively, he nods sensing the permission I’m seeking from him.

“Can I come with you?” I turn my attention to Marie now.

“I was worried you wouldn’t ask.” Relief washes over her face. “Yes, please do.”

* * *

The words the nurse spoke sink further into my chest, “If you follow me this way, I will take you down to the morgue.”

My body stiffens, stainless steel tables with sheets draped over cold bodies flash before my eyes. I can’t. I can’t let that be the last — a firm grip lands on my shoulders, halting my thoughts and squeezing me back into reality.

“Oh, sweetheart,” the nurse pleads, understanding my fears. “No, your friend is in the viewing room. It’s comfortable, come I’ll show you.”

The three of us follow her down a long corridor, Tanner’s hand in the small of my back keeping me grounded. She enters the lift and waits for us to shuffle in beside her. The metal doors close and when they slide open again we are greeted by a reception desk, this time with two women sipping cups of tea in front of computer screens. We bypass them to the left and come to a stop outside a door with a sign that reads ‘viewing in progress’.

The nurse turns to face us. “I’ll give you all a moment.” Then without another word she walks in the direction of the reception desk. Off to indulge in gossip and a cup of tea. Lucky her.