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Chapter Twenty-Nine

Kinsley

I don’t often do the opening shift at the bar, but it’s a nice change getting home at 7pm, rather than closer to midnight. I convinced Tanner that it would be safe for me to make my way home by myself; I promised to call him if anything seemed out of the ordinary. Both Stanley and Tanner have been keeping a close eye on the apartment’s security cameras. I even had a message from Tanner giving me the all clear at the end of my shift so I’m sure if anyone had been snooping around, they would have noticed.

On that thought, I walk into the apartment and see that the door into the spare room is open and the light is on. “Jess, are you in there?” I call out. These guys can not help themselves, if Tanner isn’t there picking me up, I always know I’ll find Jesse waiting for me at home.

“I’ll grab us a beer.” My heels are clicking on the tiles as I walk, the sound is almost therapeutic as it echoes through the quiet space. Reaching the doorway of the spare room, I’m met with deep ocean blues. I freeze and the beers drop onto the tiles, the glass bottles smashing at my feet. I’ve become so complacent that it never occurred to me that Tanner would make his way into my room of secrets. How could I be so stupid?

“T-tanner, what are you —” My body begins to shake uncontrollably. No, this can’t be happening. Not now. Not when I’ve finally let him in, let myself believe this could work. The broken shards of glass glint in the light, mocking me as if they’re pieces of the life I have tried so hard to hold together, the life which is now shattered at my feet.

Tanner closes the gap between us, as I carefully step into the room and out of the puddle of glass and beer surrounding me on the floor. His arms wrap around me and he holds me to his chest. I fist his t-shirt, holding on for dear life because I know that I’m going to have to let him go. He’s not safe anymore.

I inhale his scent, which has become familiar and comforting, committing it to my memory; leather, coffee and spice. I can feel his breathing, it’s faster than normal. Isn’t it funny what you can learn about someone in less than a year? I don’t want to let him go, but now that he knows, he will want to get involved. There is no way in hell I would let that happen. If I had it my way Jesse would be kept in the dark as well, but unfortunately for us both, he’s in too deep.

We stand like this for a while, holding each other whilst my heart violently pounds in my chest. Eventually, he lets go of me and tilts my chin upwards so that I’m forced to meet his gaze. Hurt, pain and a sense of longing lingers in his eyes, and at the same time, I begin building the wall back up, brick by brick; the one he so effortlessly knocked down. This time, though, the wall is going back up to protect him, he may not see it this way, but this is no longer about protecting me.

“I’m sorry, I really didn’t want you to find out this way,” I say gesturing towards my mess taking up the spare room.

He runs his fingers through his hair, a telling sign he is uncomfortable. “Do you seriously think I give a shit about any of this, Kinsley?”

I take a step further into the room; everything feels so heavy, with all the weight pressing down onto my chest. I rub my arms, the feeling of bugs crawling over them overpowers anything else I can think about right now. I startle at the touch of Tanner’s hand, he’s resting it gently on my lower back and I turn to face him again as he speaks.

“It doesn’t matter how messy you think your life is, or was, when I said I wanted you I meant it. I want all of you.”

He’s not going to make this easy for me, is he? Can’t he see that loving me and knowing my past isn’t safe for him? That I need to let him go — let him go on my terms; because if he gets ripped away from me like everyone else has — I don’t know if I would be able to survive it this time. The need to free myself from the overwhelming pressure and emotions I am feeling is too much. Reaching out, I start ripping things off of the walls; years of connected dots, everything that is holding me hostage in the past – gone. I need an escape.

He is no longer that escape.

I need something. I need something that will drown out this noise. The scars on my wrist burn, my subconscious beckoning me; calling me to do something that was my escape for so long.

“Kins, you’re in your head again.”

I need to get away from him before I spiral any further. I say the first thing that comes to mind. “Maybe in another time, another place —” How cliche Kinsley, inwardly I roll my eyes at myself and for a minute the ridiculous voices in my head snap me out of my downward spiral. That is until Tanner scoffs — wait a second, he fucking scoffed at me. My eyes snap up to his.

“Nice try, Pip, but I can see through you — through this.” He looks between us and then around the room. I take a deep breath, am I really doing this? Pushing away the one and only guy I have ever let my walls down for, just because now he’s seeing me , really seeing me , for the first time? I should be grateful that he isn’t running for the hills. I should be the one begging him to stay.

I see it in his eyes though; the want and need to destroy anyone who has hurt me. The determination to fix all of this. “Maybe if we had met in a year or two when all this was behind me. But Tanner, I can see it in your eyes. Now that you know, there’s pain in there now.”

“Tell me something,” he says, flipping the conversation on its head.

“Anything,” I admit. “What do you want to know?”

Tanner’s deep blue eyes pierce into me, I feel him searching for the key to unlock my mind; looking for a way in, but there isn’t one.

“Everything. Tell me everything.”

“You already know too much,” I say, glancing around the room.

He cups my face with both his hands and rests his forehead on mine. Please don’t say it. I can feel the moment approaching, the moment I’ve been longing for – it’s too late now. A tear rolls down my cheek as he whispers, “I’m in love with you, Kinsley.”

For a moment my heart skips a beat, it flutters a few times before finding its rhythm again. Those words, now a dagger to my heart. He has never told me that before. Deep down I knew, he didn’t have to say it. I felt his love for me; I have for months.

“And I’ll always love you. You were my escape. The air I so desperately needed to breathe. You saved me.” My eyes are burning, with a tsunami of tears ready to fall. “If I’m going to get through this, I need to walk away. Now that your eyes mirror my pain, I —”

Tanner steadies the back of my head and takes my lips into a kiss. He kisses me in a way he has never kissed me before. It’s deep and passionate, tears fall from both our eyes. I open up for him, and I can taste the salt from all of our unspoken words, as our tongues tangle together.

Breaking away he looks at me, and I know exactly what he’s going to say. A sob escapes me, but his eyes are pleading. “Please, do this for me.”

Everything inside me is screaming ‘no’ , telling me to walk away now. But over the past nine months this man has saved me from myself, and if this is what he needs to be able to save me once more, to let me walk away from his love. I can do this. I nod. So he picks me up and I wrap my legs around his waist.

Deep blue eyes drink me in while his hands lovingly explore my body. We don’t speak. Our bodies communicate without the need for words; expressing the reality that neither of us are willing to face.

Resting my cheek against Tanner’s chest I listen to his heart rate begin to slow. He presses a kiss to the top of my head, and I fight to keep my eyes open. ‘ Don’t go to sleep, Kinsley’ the little voices in my head say, with every ounce of my being I try to listen to them. Because I know when I wake, nothing will be the same.

* * *

Waking up this morning, the reality of last night comes crashing down. My whole world has flipped upside down again, but this time I was the one to flip it. The thought sinks deep down into my stomach where it turns to nausea, sweat prickles on the back of my neck and my heart rate picks up. He is gone. The bed is now cold in the spot where I had fallen asleep in his arms. The only thing left to show me that last night happened is the spare key for my apartment left on the pillow; his key.

I take a shaky, deep breath in. My eyelashes are lumped together from tears mixing with my mascara, and my makeup is smeared across my pillow.

To be able to get through this, I need to be strong. I would never be able to get through this by looking into eyes where I saw a reflection of the pain that I am trying so hard to bury. I take another breath, this one less shaky than the last, preparing myself to face this new reality. A reality that no longer includes what I considered my healthiest escape. A drug – one I have become addicted to.

The door downstairs opens abruptly and slams shut, I flinch at the sound. Feelings of hope and confusion stir within me causing my stomach to flip. Tanner left his key , I remind myself. Whoever it is, they are in a hurry. I can hear footsteps taking the stairs two at a time. I should be scared after all that has happened over the past few weeks, but fear is the one emotion I’m not feeling. If Lance Harding, George Watson or his goons are here, come and fucking get me; I’ve got nothing left to lose.

“Tanner?” I whisper, holding onto my last thread of hope. I don’t even open my eyes, they’re scrunched shut to hold back any tears that are trying to escape. All the reasoning and strength I had just instilled in myself shatters. If he was to wrap his arms around me now, I wouldn’t have the strength to push him away. Not again.

The bed dips and I’m being wrapped up into a hold I know all too well. The scent of freshly mowed grass and cinnamon intoxicates me.

“No,” I whimper. “No, no, no.”

All the emotions I have been suppressing since I woke up rise to the surface and the pep talk I gave myself fades away. I’m sobbing. I thrash and I kick. But he doesn’t let go. My breathing turns to gasping for air and a bead of sweat drips down the back of my neck; the feeling resembles a blade slicing my skin.

I haven’t had a panic attack for three months. Not since the day Tanner found me.

“Dammit, Meadow, breathe,” Jesse pleads.

“H—he knows,” I try to explain to Jesse.

“Shh,” he soothes. “I know.”

Once again, Jesse is here picking up my shattered pieces. This time it’s different though, I don’t know if Jesse will be able to put me back together, not without the missing piece. The one I just willingly gave away.