Page 24 of Worthy (Adrenalin #1)

Chapter twenty-three

Maddox

M y heart beats wildly as I sit on the front step, waiting.

I can’t remember the last time I was this nervous. Even presenting my thesis didn’t leave me this jumpy. I wipe my sweaty palms on my pants, cursing the fact that my anxiety can’t be limited to a racing heart and a queasy stomach. Sweaty palms are so embarrassing.

Not for the first time, I wonder if I’m doing the right thing. My heart says yes, but my mind isn’t as sure. I replay the events that led me here, hoping they’ll give me some reassurance...

″Uncle Rick?” I mutter as I open the door.

″It doesn’t sound like you’re happy to see me.” He steps inside to give me a hug.

″Just surprised. I thought you were in Katah Vista to see the work on the house.” I close the door and lead him to the living room to sit down. “Do you want something to drink? ”

″No, I can’t stay very long.” He sits at one end of the couch while I take the other. “I probably shouldn’t be here at all,” he continues, “but I’d feel guilty if I never said anything.”

″Said anything about what?” I’m suddenly very nervous. Rick and I are close, but this is a little out of character for him.

He braces his arms on his legs, wrings his hands together nervously. “I saw Cade,” he blurts.

At the mention of his name, I freeze. I’ve thought about him daily, all-day every-day more accurately, but I haven’t heard anyone say his name since I got home. It has a bigger impact than I expected.

″Why didn’t you say anything?” Rick meets my eyes, his own a mixture of confusion and sadness.

″What do you mean?” I say cautiously. I haven’t told anyone about Cade, so I’m not sure what Rick’s getting at.

″Maddox, you’ve been different since you got back. I couldn’t figure out why, none of us could. Then I saw Cade. You’re in love with him, aren’t you?”

I’m afraid if I try to speak my voice will crack, so I nod instead.

Rick sighs. “That’s what I thought. You didn’t tell him?”

″I didn’t want him to feel obligated to say it back,” I exhale. “He’d never been in a relationship before, and I didn’t want my feelings to influence his. Letting him say it first was the only way I’d know if the words were genuine.”

″Okay.” Rick nods, turning my words over in his mind. “I can follow your logic. But if he had been the first to admit his feelings would that make yours any less genuine?”

″I…you’re making it sound like you know what his feelings are,” I venture.

″Picked up on that, did y ou?” He smirks. “Yes, I know how he feels. I also know he’s as stubborn as you are, which is probably how you two ended up in this mess.”

″What do you mean, stubborn?” I frown. “That doesn’t sound like Cade.”

″Apparently, it’s a new trait he’s picked up, but he’s already a pro.” Rick shakes his head, frustrated. I still don’t follow what he’s getting at. “He’s bound and determined to believe being with him means you’d be giving up your career,” he exhales deeply.

″That doesn’t make any sense,” I protest. “I wouldn’t have to give it up completely. It just might look different in Katah Vista than it would in a place with more resources.”

″Well, he doesn’t see it the same way.” Rick shrugs. “And I’m pretty sure he won’t unless he hears it from you.”

″Hears what from me? That being with him doesn’t mean giving up my career? Or that I love him?” I ask cautiously.

″Either. Both.”

″I’m just supposed to show up out of the blue and tell him I love him?” My eyes bug out.

″If that’s how you feel, then yes.” Rick nods.

I let myself imagine for a minute I could, that if I showed up at his house and told him how I feel we’d get our happily ever after. Only I know it’s not that simple. Cade won’t leave Katah Vista, and while I’m sure I could find something to do there, it would undoubtedly look different than what I originally envisioned for myself. I can live with that, but could Cade? Or would he constantly blame himself for forcing me to go in a different direction, even if I was happy to do it? I’d have to convince him he’s more important to me than my career, and he’s never been good about believing he’s important.

″What if he can’t accept that?” I ask.

″Then he’s not t he man I think he is,” Rick says matter-of-factly. “Just think about it, Maddox. I hate to see you unhappy.”

″Okay.” I hear myself agree even though I don’t know if I can.

Rick stands to leave, but before he heads to the door, he reaches into his jacket pocket. “I saw this on my trip. I thought it might interest you.”

I look at the printout he hands me. It’s an advertisement for a job. An environmental science position. My jaw drops to the floor as I look to him for confirmation.

″You heard about the new owner at the ski resort?” he prompts.

I think back to my dinner with Cade’s parents, and the concerts in the park. I do recall talk about a new owner. I’m ashamed to admit I haven’t thought about how that might affect the people in town, especially the ones I’d grown close to.

″Yes,” I reply.

″He’s talking about doing some new development at the resort. That’ll require a lot of study before anything can begin, I imagine.” He winks at me as he heads for the door...

And now here I am, waiting for Cade to get home, so I can confess in a last-ditch effort to see if we have a future together. If he wants one.

The crunch of tires on gravel pulls my gaze to the driveway, where Cade’s truck is rolling to a stop. The engine goes quiet, but the driver’s door stays shut. There’s no movement inside the cab, and because of the sun’s reflection on the glass I can’t see Cade’s face to know what sort of expression he’s wearing. I take a shaky breath, force a blank expression to my face, and wipe my palms again as I stand up.

The door creaks as it opens, echoing in the relative silence around us. Cade steps out but makes no attempt to move away from the truck. Instead, he stands there with a confused look in his eyes, like he can’t make sense of what he’s seeing .

His face is just as stunning as I remember, but the mischievous spark I grew so fond of is gone, replaced with an almost vacant air. He’s here, but somehow not. Detached almost. Lost.

″Maddox?” He blinks. It’s barely louder than a whisper.

″Hey.” I give a lame little upnod since he makes no move to come closer.

″What are you doing here?” He sounds more disoriented than happy or sad, leaving me to question again whether this was a bad idea.

″I…wanted to see you,” I falter.

He’s still standing by the truck, using it like a shield, or maybe a support. I’m usually better at interpreting his movements, but right now he feels like a stranger.

God, this is awkward.

″I’m sorry,” I blurt. “I shouldn’t have just shown up like this. I’ll go.” I look around for an escape, but Uncle Rick dropped me off, so I either have to call him for a ride or walk. I’m leaning toward the latter and step off the porch when Cade seems to wake from his stupor.

″Don’t leave.” He finally shuts the door and comes toward me. “I didn’t expect to see you, that’s all. Come here.”

He opens his arms so I can step into them, and the moment we connect all the tension and anxiety evaporate. A huge sense of calm washes over me, and from the way Cade sighs I’m sure he feels it too.

We cling to each other and just breathe, and for a moment time seems to stop. My mind goes quiet. His touch shuts out all the doubts, the fears, the what-ifs. I know this doesn’t mean we’re magically okay, we still have things to talk about, but as long as we can hold on to this, to how right it feels to be together, I have to believe we’ll figure it out.

″Come inside,” he whispers, taking my hand and pulling me with him toward the front door .

As we step into the living room, Cade drops my hand and starts rushing around, picking things up, and I’m reminded of the lost look he had earlier. We didn’t spend much time at his house over the summer, but I was here enough to know he keeps it fairly clean, and just like his expression, this clutter is something about him I don’t recognize. I’m not sure whether to feel guilty that my silence led to this, or hopeful I can fix it by telling him the truth.

″Sorry about the mess,” he says. “I haven’t…I’ve been working a lot,” he amends as he clears a spot for me to sit on the couch.

He takes a seat on the opposite end, and once again I start to lose my nerve, the distance between us making me wonder if he’s ready to hear what I have to say. I won’t change my mind, but I can’t just blurt it out. Not when he’s clearly confused about how he should act. I’ll have to ease into this.

″Work?” I ask. “Another build?”

″I’ve been doing some more with the business. Managing stuff.” He meets my eyes briefly as he speaks, then averts them again. Usually, when he doesn’t know what to say he flirts outrageously, but this Cade is subdued. Almost timid. I hope I’m not too late.

″Your dad must be glad to have the help,” I offer.

He nods absently. “I heard you passed your thesis. Congratulations.”

For the first time since he pulled up, my smile isn’t forced. “I did. Thank you.”

″Does that mean you have a job lined up? You stopped by to tell me where you’re off to?” He doesn’t look at me when he asks.

″No job,” I say softly. It’s now or never. “But I did apply for one... Here .”

″Here?” He meets my eyes again, but this time he doesn’t look away. He studies them, searching. Hopeful almost. “In Katah Vista? ”

″Not Katah Vista, specifically. The whole county. There’s talk about more development around the mountain, and the kind of infrastructure needed to support that. The environmental impact for such a large-scale project would have to be carefully studied, so there’s a lot of work to do. Years of work…” I trail off, not sure how to finish.

″That’s not the alternative energy you wanted to focus on,” he says sadly.

″Not exclusively,” I agree. “But energy resources are part of any development, so I’d still be able to work in my specialty, maybe even with water as a resource.”

″Why?” He shakes his head in disbelief.

He doesn’t have to elaborate. I know exactly why he’s asking that question.

″I could live anywhere in the county. Even right here.” My voice is barely a whisper.

″Don’t do this for me, Maddox.” He closes his eyes, an almost pained expression on his face. “Don’t give up on your dreams for me.”

″I’m not,” I say evenly.

″You are.” He looks at me sadly. “Katah Vista was never part of your future.”

″You weren’t supposed to be either.” I shrug. “Plans change.”

″They shouldn’t. Not for me,” he insists. “You deserve better.”

I was hoping, after an entire summer together, Cade would be able to accept how important he is to me, but I see he still needs convincing.

″I’m not changing my plans for you. I’m doing it for me.” I take a deep breath and continue. “This is what I want. To be here. Besides, didn’t we agree you were going to stop worrying about what I deserve?” I chew my lip, waiting for his answer.

″We did.” A hint of a smile plays on his lips though his eyes are still sad .

″Good.” His near smile gives me the confidence to continue. “Because the only thing I deserve is to be happy, and the thing that makes me happiest is you.”

″Me?” He winces.

″Is that so hard to believe?”

″Yes. I’m the local playboy. I don’t know how to be a boyfriend or support your career. I’ll only hold you back.” He looks at me sadly.

″I disagree,” I say as calmly as possible. “You were a great boyfriend all summer. You gave me endless support to write my thesis. And you taught me to enjoy the moment. You didn’t hold me back, Cade, you taught me what’s important in life.” I look straight into his eyes, willing him to understand my meaning.

″Don’t say it, Maddox. Don’t say I’m what’s important.” He shakes his head.

″You are important,” I insist. “When are you going to see yourself the way I see you?”

″You see the best in everyone, Madd. But what you think you see isn’t there,” he pleads.

″Let me tell you what I see.” I scoot towards him and take his hand, hoping the contact will bring back the calm we felt outside, and give me the courage to say what I came here to say. He looks down at our joined fingers.

″I see a man who’s humble, honest, and supportive. I see a man who loves to have fun yet puts his responsibilities first. I see a man who acts carefree but feels deeply. And I see a man who’s so selfless he’d give up his own happiness to see someone else find theirs. I know men who possess one or two of those qualities, but not all of them, and none of them make my cock hard when they look at me the way you do.” That earns me a weak laugh, just as I’d hoped for, but he still won’t meet my eyes .

Stroking over his thumb, I try to give him time to process, but when he stays silent, I try again. “There isn’t a better man on Earth than the one sitting in front of me, and I don’t care if I deserve him or not. I want him. I want you, Cade. I love you.”

He inhales sharply and holds his breath, his eyes darting from our joined fingers to meet mine, and I swear they almost look a little glassy.

″And years from now? When you’re still focused on the development of this town instead of making groundbreaking discoveries in a state-of-the-art lab, will you still want me, then? Will you be happy you chose me?” His voice cracks.

″There isn’t any other choice.” I feel my own eyes turning glassy.

Cade reaches up to cup my jaw. “I really can’t convince you to walk away?”

″No,” I whisper.

″Thank fuck,” he exhales, “because I’m damn tired of trying to convince myself I’m okay without you.” He leans his forehead against mine and threads his fingers in my hair. “I love you, Maddox Gerome. I love you so fucking much I haven’t taken a full breath since you left. I’ve never felt as empty as I did without you here, like a piece of me was missing. I don’t ever want to feel that again.”

″You won’t.” I wrap my hands around his neck so I don’t collapse as the nervous tension that was holding me up seeps out of me.

″Good,” Cade whispers, right before he touches his lips reverently to mine, and my heart beats for what feels like the first time in a month. This, in Cade’s arms, is where I’ve always belonged.

″God, I’ve missed you Maddox,” he mumbles against my lips. “I missed holding you. Touching you.” His kisses morph from tender and loving to firm, insistent. Making up for lost time.

″I missed you, too.” Heat explodes throughout my body as his tongue drives inside my mouth to find mine. We cling t ogether, tongues clashing, urgent, searching, as our hands fumble to get rid of our clothes.

Our lovemaking is urgent yet tender, carnal but passionate, both of us starved for each other but conscious of the magnitude of this moment. For the first time, Cade’s allowing himself to believe he has value, that he deserves me just as much as I deserve him. It’s everything I was afraid to hope for, and now it’s real. We’re real .

After our need has been temporarily sated, Cade cradles me against his chest, stroking my back as our breathing returns to normal.

″How did I get so lucky—to get this second chance?” he mumbles against my forehead.

″Uncle Rick,” I say automatically.

″Did you seriously just mention your Uncle?” Cade groans. “Your dick is touching mine, you can’t say another man’s name, especially your uncle’s.”

″Well, you asked,” I snort.

″That was rhetorical, Solo,” he chuckles. “Although, I do appreciate your ability to make me laugh in bed.” He wraps his arms around me and hugs me tight.

″I’m glad to be back in your bed.” I sigh into his neck. “I was so sure I’d lost you forever.”

″You never lost me, Maddox. Even when you weren’t here, I still belonged to you.” He tucks his finger under my jaw and pulls my lips to his for a soft kiss. “From the moment I blocked your car in, I’ve belonged to you, and I always will.”

Reaching up to kiss his cheek and whisper in his ear, I say, “I guess I’m no longer Solo anymore, huh? You’ll have to find a new nickname.”