Page 22 of Worthy (Adrenalin #1)
Chapter twenty-one
Maddox
I wake around dawn, too restless to sleep. My departure is just hours away, which has me feeling depressed over the coming changes, though I’m trying to focus on being grateful for the good times.
My summer couldn’t have been more perfect. Filled with hikes, barbecues, bike rides and summer concerts, there was always another adventure, and I loved every minute of it, loved experiencing Katah Vista the way Cade sees it. But I confess my favorite part has been the lazy evenings we spent at home, where it was just the two of us, and we talked and pleasured each other into the night.
Since our very first night together, we’ve rarely been apart, and as the minutes tick closer to my departure, I’m not sure how either of us will handle being alone. We have such a comfortable rhythm, our separate lives fitting together effortlessly, I wonder if returning to the lives we had before is even possible .
Cade fills the voids I didn’t even realize I had, and now that I know what it’s like to connect with someone so completely, I’m not sure I want to live without it. I’m not sure I want my life to be singularly focused on my career the way I did before I set foot in these mountains.
I feel like that’s the future I’m heading for though, since we never talked about ignoring our end date.
We seemed to have an unspoken agreement not to discuss it, to just live in the moment, but now that the end is in sight, I’m finding it harder and harder to ignore the fact that being with Cade feels right, in a permanent sort of way.
There are times I think he feels the same, like when I catch him staring at me when he thinks I’m not looking, a sort of forlorn look on his face. Or when he cradles me to him in bed like he’s trying to prolong every opportunity to hold me. He makes me feel loved, although, if he did really love me, wouldn’t he have said it by now?
I know that makes me sort of a hypocrite, since I haven’t told him how I feel either, but by his own admission he doesn’t know how relationships work, and I don’t want him thinking he’s obligated to feel the same way I do just because we’re together. Whatever his feelings for me are, I want him to express them without any influence from me. Otherwise, I’d wonder if I pushed him to say something he wasn’t ready to say. And since he’s never brought up how he feels or what he wants, that means we have just a few short hours left together.
I snuggle closer to Cade as the sunlight creeps into the room, and feel his arm pull tighter around my waist.
″Morning, beautiful.” His voice is thick with sleep, but other parts of him feel like they’re awake.
″Feels like you’ve been up for a while.” As far as dirty talk goes, that was pretty lame, but the words make him chuckle, which he seems to appreciate .
″There is no better way to wake up than to feel your perfect ass rubbing against me.” He nuzzles the back of my neck. “I’m kind of getting attached to it.”
It’s not a declaration of love, but this may be all he’s capable of, so I’ll take it. I’ll make the most of it.
″You’re getting attached to my ass?” I wiggle against him.
″There isn’t a spot on your body I’m not attached to.” He kisses my shoulder.
For a brief moment, my chest feels hollow, wishing his attachment applied to more than my body, but I push it back as Cade’s hand ghosts over my hip. In my heart, I know there’s a connection between us, something more than just sex. It just doesn’t outweigh the physical component behind what’s happening. Not for Cade. I always knew that might happen, so I have to accept it.
Despite his inability to see beyond the physical, I don’t regret my time with him. Cade has brought me more pleasure than I ever imagined was possible, and I wouldn’t trade that for a different ending. I value what’s happened between us too much. I do regret how he can’t see beyond this moment, but I don’t fault him for that. So, I do what I always do when he touches me. I focus on how it feels to have his hands on me, giving myself over to this moment in time so I can’t think about what comes next.
Cade’s finger circles my nipple, coaxing it to attention, which doesn’t take long since my body is so in tune with his. I know that’s because we share more than just sex, but I let him believe it’s because he’s such a good lover. And let’s be honest, he really is. He’s so enthusiastic, so eager to experience sex in a way he never has before, it’s impossible not to get swept up in his excitement. Plus, he’s a surprisingly generous partner who prides himself on taking care of me, and while I think he finally sees himself as more than just a good fuck, there’s no denying he has the skill to control my body.
As my nipple hardens Cade teases it tenderly, pinching and flicking and rubbing so the pleasure shoots straight to my cock. And when I hum my approval, that hand glides down my chest, over my stomach, and wraps around my dick.
Cade strokes me languidly, a gentle tease that starts at the base and ends with him spreading my arousal around my tip before he does it all again. The movement isn’t designed to bring me closer to release because he doesn’t want me there yet. We have that in common, both wanting to prolong this encounter since it will be our last.
“I never thought I’d find another man’s dick so fascinating since I’ve got one of my own, but I don’t think I’ll be able to look at mine the same way again.” His finger brushes my foreskin, which he’s a little obsessed with, and that simple gesture that’s so very Cade has me cracking a smile despite my somewhat gloomy mood.
“Are you saying you have inferior equipment?”
“Hey now.” His grip tightens on my shaft. “I’m pretty sure my cock is responsible for giving you hours of pleasure this summer, so inferior is a strong word. I’m just saying I appreciate the additional feature on yours. I’ll probably think of it when I’m touching mine.”
“Because it’s superior?”
“Because of those sinful noises you make when I touch it.” He swipes his finger over the silky flesh, and as if on cue a sensual, throaty groan rumbles from my lips. “Just like that.” Cade nips at my earlobe before sucking it into his mouth, sending a gentle shiver through my body. The subtle jolt spurs him to slot his cock between my thighs, where he lets it rest while he slides his fist over my dick.
It's the most delicious torture, a hint of the lazy mornings we won’t have, and a tender goodbye rolled into one. Erotic and sweet, heartfelt yet heartbreaking, and while normally I wouldn’t consider myself to be overly sensitive or emotional, especially during sex, right now I’m anything but.
If I could freeze time, I’d do it, so this moment never has to end. But in addition to having a flight to catch, Cade’s affectionate touch is taking me to the point of no return, and I don’t want to finish in his hand.
I reach for the lube on the nightstand, which is just far enough away that it takes me out of his grasp. “Roll over. On your side,” I tell him as I slather my cock and line up behind him.
It’s cowardly, but I can’t look at him while we do this. I have a feeling if we lock eyes one of us will learn something we’re better off not knowing, and since we’re about to part on good terms I don’t want to screw that up.
The first push nearly undoes me, same as it always does. Yet, I grit my teeth and keep moving until I’m fully seated, and we’re forcing ourselves to take even breaths.
“Good?” I rasp next to his ear.
He nods, and I begin my slow retreat. My even slower return. Back and forth, long and deep, I slide my cock inside his body, trying to commit the sensation to memory. The friction, the heat, the pressure, though what I’ll remember most is how we’ve somehow managed to link our fingers together above his head.
A series of pleas tumble through my mind as we come together. Come with me. Ask me to stay. Tell me you love me. Rather than speak them aloud I snake my free hand over his hip and find his dick, hugging him to me as I pump his heavy cock to the beat of my steady thrusts.
It’s not physically possible to get any closer, yet with each roll of my hips I try for the impossible, as if holding him tight enough, burying myself deep enough, could make us one.
“Come for me.” I speak my final plea in Cade’s ear, and blink back the gathering tears as our bodies function as one for the last time.
***
I toss a few pairs of shorts in my suitcase as Cade emerges from the shower, wrapped in just a towel.
I hold my breath, too afraid that if I let it out I’ll word vomit all over him. Instead, I let my eyes roam over the man a final time, committing his image to memory.
The broad shoulders that carried me down the trail.
The strong arms that held me at night.
The lean, muscled torso that made my knees weak.
The rough fingers that touched me so gently.
And the eyes, those piercing blue eyes that I get lost in when he looks at me.
Physically, Cade surpasses every fantasy man I’ve ever conjured, and in that respect, I doubt I’ll ever be as attracted to another as much as I am to the guy in front of me. But what I feel for him goes beyond the physical. He’s the first person to take my choices at face value and support them unconditionally. And he’s the first person to make me feel truly beautiful, inside and out. Sexy even. I don’t have worlds of experience with men, but Cade is nothing like men I’ve dated in the past, which makes me fairly certain I’m getting the last look at the one who will prove to be the love of my life.
I take a fortifying breath and try to keep my emotions in check by taking a page from Cade’s book. “I’m going to miss this view.” I lick my lips as my gaze roams over him .
″I knew it, you wanted me for my body all along,” he responds in kind. He knows I’m joking to keep things light, but there must be some part of him that’s going to miss this, or he wouldn’t be flirting without abandon. I take some comfort in knowing that even if he doesn’t love me, he cares enough to be sad I’m leaving, and he’s trying to hide his emotions by flirting.
Suddenly, he strides toward me and engulfs me in a hug, guiding my head to rest against his neck. I take a moment to savor his smooth skin, the faint smell of masculine soap. Cade rests one hand on my back and strokes my hair with the other. We both know this is the last intimate embrace we’ll share, and neither of us seems ready to let go. But if I can’t live my life with Cade I need to move forward. That means I have a plane to catch.
I kiss his collarbone softly before pulling back and returning to my suitcase. I watch him dress and toss his clothes in a duffel bag from the corner of my eye as I finish my packing, trying to make myself believe we’re packing for a trip instead of the return to our separate lives. When there’s nothing left, we close up the house, parking my uncle’s Subaru in its new garage home, and head to the truck so Cade can drive me to the airport.
It’s not a quick drive, but it’s mostly silent. We don’t have future plans to talk about, like what we want to do for dinner, or how we want to spend the weekend, topics that might otherwise come up. We don’t even hold hands like we normally do. He does ask about the process to finish my thesis, and I tell him about having to present and defend my conclusions to my professors, but the topic seems to make him uncomfortable, and we quickly revert to silence.
I’ve never felt this uncomfortable with Cade, not even during our earliest encounters when he flirted outrageously and put me on the defensive. At least the banter we had then was playful, not awkward like this silence is. As much as I don’t want to leave, I can’t wait to be out of this truck. I don’t want this strange feeling to be my last memory of our time together.
When we get to the airport, Cade takes me to the passenger drop off instead of parking to accompany me inside, and I’m oddly relieved our goodbye will be over soon instead of being drawn out at the ticket counter or the security gate. He pulls my bags from the trunk and passes them over to the attendant who checks me in.
And then it’s here. Our final goodbye.
Cade stands before me, hands buried in his pockets. My stance mirrors his. And even though this moment is as awkward as the car ride, I don’t want it to end, because when it does, our time together really will be over.
I’m not sure how long we stand there, acting more like strangers than lovers, before I finally find my voice. “I couldn’t have asked for a better summer.” I think my voice cracks on that last word, but I press on. “Thank you.”
He nods his head, lips pressed in a firm line.
″Maybe I’ll see you around?” I say lamely.
Cade seems to start, like my words have only just reached him. “Here.” He presses something cold and hard into my hand. “This belongs to you.”
I look down and see the flower we made together in his shop.
″I realized this morning I never did get you flowers.” He shrugs, a sad smile on his face. “I don’t know if that’s a thing guys do, but since you’re a plant guy I probably should’ve. At least this won’t wilt.”
“An eternal bloom.” I mean to think that, but when Cade utters a muffled “ yeah” I realize I spoke aloud. ″Thank you.” I turn the metal over in my hands, frowning when I notice a wet mark on it. Is that… ?
Cade steps to me and cradles my face in his hands, wiping away a tear I didn’t realize I’d shed. Then he touches his lips to mine, giving me a kiss so tender and delicate I very nearly say the words I promised not to say unless he did. But he speaks first.
″Take care of yourself, Solo,” he whispers.
My heart plummets to my stomach. I know he’s trying to make this easier, but the nickname causes the cracks in my heart to fracture completely. “You too,” I grunt, spinning away before my eyes can find his one last time.