Page 21 of Worthy (Adrenalin #1)

Chapter twenty

Cade

W e’re mostly silent on the drive home, with our interlaced fingers doing the talking, driving up the sexual tension.

Madd’s thumb slides over the back of my hand, feather-light, yet just as potent as if he was stroking my chest, or my cock. Everywhere he touches me, every way he touches me, ignites such an intense response. I’m helpless against it. I’m helpless against him.

He’s part of me now, and I know that won’t change even after he’s gone. The thought puts a bit of a damper on an otherwise perfect night, because we’re inching closer to the day when he’ll leave for good, and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.

Tonight was sort of a last-ditch effort to see if there might be a future with us. I wanted to give him a traditional date, show him how special he is to me, and I hoped by doing so he’d decide to pick me instead of his career.

I can’t outright ask him to do that. It’s too selfish, even for me, but I figured if he came to that decision on his own, I could live with myself. So, I went all out, getting dressed up, taking him to a fancy restaurant, the whole nine yards. And I can tell he loved it. But not enough, since he mentioned not knowing what his future holds after he finishes his thesis.

I knew it was futile to hope he’d pick me after all the work he’s put towards his dream, though I still hoped for it, anyway. It fucking crushed me to have him confirm he’s still leaving, but then he turned around and laid claim to me, sort of, and I’m still riding that high right now. It’s probably temporary, I think he still plans to give me up when he leaves, although if dinner didn’t convince him to stay maybe sex will.

That makes it sound like I’m reverting to old habits, but nothing could be further from the truth. Sex is totally different for me now than it was before, and while I have so much more than just sex with Maddox, there’s no denying the two of us together are something special. At this point, I’m so desperate to have him choose me I’m not above using any means necessary, including sex, to nudge him toward that decision.

By the time we get home, his sweet little touches have made me hard as a rock, and I have the overwhelming urge to throw him on the bed and take him. But I force myself to go slow, to savor every moment of this, and show him what he means to me since I can’t tell him.

I take his hand and lead him to the bedroom, standing him before me so I can drink him in. He’s just as stunning as he always is, but tonight he looks roguishly sexy in his button down with the sleeves rolled up. I trace my finger along the exposed skin at the top of his chest, up his neck, along his chiseled jaw.

″Beautiful,” I whisper as I cup his face in my hands and kiss him softly.

Maddox reaches out to undo the buttons on my shirt, one by one, pushing it off my shoulders to run his hands over my chest, down my stomach, teasing along the waistband of my pants. I mirror his movements, pushing his shirt off his shoulders so it falls to the floor, leaving him standing before me in nothing but his low-slung jeans.

I want to capture the image before me, commit it to memory, but the need to touch him is too great. I pull him close, crushing our chests together as I wrap my arms around him and capture his mouth. Our tongues meet in a sensual dance, giving and taking and savoring this moment where our passion for each other is the only thing that exists.

″I need you,” Maddox growls against my lips, and damn if that doesn’t make my heart ache just a little. I know he means he needs me physically, but two months ago he wouldn’t have been bold enough to say so, and it makes me both proud and sad that he’s comfortable enough to do it now.

Stripping off my pants as he does the same, I walk him backward until his legs hit the bed, pushing him down until he’s lying on his back. His breathing turns heavy, and goose bumps rise to the surface of his arms. His nipples pucker even though I haven’t touched them, and when I wrap my hand around his length, he’s hard as steel.

″Cade,” he groans. “I want you inside me. I want to come together.”

″We will.” I place a quick kiss on his soft lips. “But you, first.”

At my urging he rocks his length into my hand while I pump him, fucking my fist, until his warm cum spills over my fingers.

Maddox coming is a stunning sight. His hands grip the sheets, knuckles white. His back arches as his hips buck. His chest heaves as he cries out. Fucking beautiful.

I hold still until the tremors stop, then release his cock to lick his essence off my fingers, then reach for the lube.

″I need to feel you, Maddox,” I tell him as I wet my dick. “This time we’ll come together.”

I push slowly inside him, and the ecstasy consumes us both.

** *

“What’re you looking at?” Deacon asks as he comes to sit next to me.

I turn the screen off before he gets close enough to see that I was staring at a picture of Maddox. It’s the only one I have of him, taken at our sunset dinner, when he was standing at the rail looking over the water.

His back is to the camera, head turned to the side, looking at something in the distance with a wistful expression. I don’t know what possessed me to take the picture, but I look at it every chance I get.

″Nothing, just a list of what’s left to finish.” The lie rolls off my tongue so easily I think I get away with it, until Deacon snorts.

″Right. A list of what’s left to do is what’s giving you that sad puppy face, not the fact your man is leaving.”

″We should be done in the next day or so.” I ignore him, because I don’t want to have this conversation. I know my life is about to change for the worse and don’t need Deacon to point it out.

″You don’t have to pretend,” he continues. “You look fucking miserable, and I know it’s because of him.”

″It’s not because of him.” I shove my phone in my pocket.

″Of course, it is. Instead of getting him out of your system, you managed to get him stuck in it.” He shakes his head, looking at me like I’m pathetic. I probably am.

″That’s not his fault.”

″Maybe, maybe not. Look,” he exhales, “I know I wasn’t your biggest supporter this summer, or his, but I’d rather have no wingman than a depressed one, and if you’re this depressed now, I hate to think what you’re gonna be like after he leaves.”

″What’s your point?” I rub a hand over my face.

″Don’t let him leave,” he says matter-of-factly .

I hate how everyone thinks it’s that easy. My dad, Finn, now Deacon. They all think my feelings have the power to keep Maddox here, and I should completely ignore the fact he’d be giving up everything he’s ever worked for if he stays.

His dreams.

His ambitions.

His desire to succeed on his own merits.

Sure, maybe I can convince him to stay now , but he’d grow to hate me for it when he regrets abandoning his goals in life to date me. I’d rather miss him like crazy than have him resent me one day.

″Whether he stays or goes isn’t my call.” I sink to the retaining wall as my energy wanes.

″Let’s try this another way,” Deacon starts. “Do you think he’d want to stay? He’s obviously as interested in you as you are in him.”

I close my eyes and shake my head slowly. “Wasn’t too long ago he mentioned not knowing what he’ll do after he’s done with his thesis. If staying here was on his radar I’m sure he would’ve said something.”

Deacon blows out a breath. “That sucks, cousin. I’m sorry.”

″It is what it is.” I shrug, trying to downplay how sick I feel at the thought of him leaving. “I knew this had an expiration date.”

″Yeah, but you didn’t expect to fall for him, did you?” He sounds almost sympathetic.

″No, that part was a surprise.” I sigh, feeling somewhat relieved by the admission.

″Shit. I’m never gonna fall for anyone like that. If this is what it does to you it’s not worth it,” Deacon shakes his head.

″This part sucks for sure. But there were good parts too. Great parts.” I smile up at him sadly .

″Like sleeping with only one man?” I can’t tell if he’s being genuinely curious, or sarcastic, like he’s trying to cheer me up by implying I can go back to sleeping around.

″Don’t knock it until you try it, cousin. Fucking phenomenal.”

″Pfft.” He waves his hand dismissively. “Not from where I’m sitting. No man is worth the way you look right now. And before you jump down my throat, I like Maddox, really. But if this is what relationships do to you, I want no part of it.” He shudders.

″I hear you. I used to think that too. But the right person has a way of making you think differently. The right person makes everything feel like it fits.” I lean forward and rest my arms on my knees, too tired and depressed to sit straight.

″Everything?” Deacon takes a seat next to me with a sly grin.

″I’m not talking about sex.” I give his shoulder a quick shove. “I’m talking about all of it. Hanging out together, talking, sleeping next to someone. Before you have someone to do that stuff with you don’t realize you’re missing anything, but after, it’s almost like…” I stare towards the mountains that always used to make things seem okay. “He gets me in a way no one ever has, even you if I’m being honest since you think I’ve lost my mind. And even the parts of me I’m not overly proud of he can find good in. I never expected someone to see me that way, and the fact he does makes me feel like he’s sort of the perfect fit for me. Like I’m finally whole. I don’t know any other way to explain it.” I slump forward.

I see Deacon from the corner of my eye, staring at me with his mouth hanging open, like he can’t believe that sappy shit just came out of my mouth. Truth is, neither can I, but that doesn’t make it any less true .

″You’ll get it one day,” I say to him even though I’m staring at the ground. “And I’m going to enjoy saying ‘I told you so’ when it happens.”

″No way,” he protests. “After seeing you like this, there’s no way I’m ever dating someone seriously. And I wish I’d never suggested you try it either.”

″I don’t. I wouldn’t change a thing,” I say quietly.

″Seriously?” Deacon scoffs. “Maddox isn’t even gone yet and you’re already moping. You wouldn’t change that if you could?”

″Nope. I fucking hate that he’s leaving, and I know when he does, I’m gonna feel like shit for a long time. But I don’t regret any of it. I’d do it all over again. The good parts were that good.” I sound like a fucking sap. I don’t care.

Deacon shakes his head in disbelief. I know he doesn’t understand me right now. Pities me even. But I’ve never really worried about what other people think, and I’m not going to start now. I’ll never regret my time with Maddox, even knowing I’ll be wrecked when he leaves, because letting him go is the right thing to do.

Even if it breaks me.