Page 13 of Worthy (Adrenalin #1)

Chapter twelve

Cade

I t’s another busy day of work, which normally makes the time pass quickly, but since I can feel the frustration boiling off Deacon it’s making things move extra slow.

He hasn’t said anything to me, but he doesn’t have to. I know he’s pissed that I didn’t play wingman last night, even though my absence probably meant he had both ladies to himself. He’s not mad about having to soldier on as a party of three, he’s mad that I left with Maddox, who he knows I’m not sleeping with.

Okay, I may be slightly to blame for his attitude. For years, I talked up how great it was to live here, probably sharing a little too much detail about how easy it is to score in this town. Now that he’s here, he wants to live that way, with me by his side. That was the original plan, but when Maddox rolled into town, things changed. I’m probably more shocked than Deacon is about that, but whereas I’m not opposed to the change, my unwillingness to participate in the pickup game has to make him feel like I falsely advertised.

I don’t blame him for feeling like that, but he could drop the snark down a notch. Jeesh .

By the time three thirty rolls around, I’m over his attitude. With the exterior framing complete I send everyone home and go to inspect the patio Deacon’s been working on, hoping to clear the air.

″Looks good, cousin.” I survey his work. “How long will it take to build the fireplace?”

″Couple days,” he says stiffly as he straightens, clutching the broom in his fists.

″You doing the plants after that?” I squint to see him in spite of the bright afternoon sun.

″Depends on the weather. I’d rather wait until July so there’s less chance of snow.” He sweeps the last of the dirt off the patio.

I nod my head, agreeing with that logic.

″You ready to tell me what’s on your mind or you gonna keep sulking?” I confront him, wanting to get this over with.

He seems to think about it for a second before turning to face me. “You talk a lot about none of the guys in this town being good enough for Maddox, which honestly should be a moot point since only you and I swing that way sometimes. But since we’re overlooking that I feel the need to point out you’re one of those guys you’re talking about, but you’re chasing after him like some lovesick puppy and ditching me to do it. You’re being a hypocrite.”

I chew on my lip, pondering his words. He’s not wrong, but he’s not right either.

″Not trying to be a hypocrite.” I shake my head. “I know I’m not good enough for him. I keep trying to tell him that, but he doesn’t seem to agree. Doesn’t judge me either. I’m not used to that, and it’s kinda nice. Makes it hard not to enjoy being around him.”

″What do you mean doesn’t judge you?” Deacon leans on the broom, studying me .

″I told you, he doesn’t look at me like some boy toy who exists for his pleasure.”

″That’s a good thing?” He frowns, clearly confused.

″I think so, yeah. It’s never happened to me before.” I shrug helplessly, because I don’t have the words to explain it any better.

″He doesn’t look at you like a play-thing and you’re happy about that? Seriously?” He arches a brow as he leans the broom against the house.

″Yeah.”

Deacon shakes his head with another huff, clearly unimpressed with my reasoning.

I try another angle. “When was the last time someone looked at you like you might be interesting? Outside the bedroom.”

″Fuck, I don’t know,” he grumbles. “Probably in school. I hit it off with a girl I worked on a project with. We went out a few times.”

″See,” I tell him. “You grew up in a big city, went to college. You probably had your fair share of ladies, or guys, who were interested, but did they treat you like the only thing you had to offer them was sex?”

″Are you kidding? I would love it if they treated me like the only thing I have to offer is sex. That’s living the dream, all the fun parts of a relationship without any of the work. That’s why I’m here.” He gestures towards the landscape around us.

″I hear you.” I lock my jaw and nod. “I lived like that for years, and you know how much fun I had. But that was before anyone looked at me like I’m more.”

″So, you’re telling me since Maddox doesn’t want to jump you, you’re fine to hang out with him and not try to screw him? Or anyone else for that matter?” He rests his hands on his hips .

He’s trying to piss me off to make his own anger justified, but I’m determined to keep the anger out of my voice. “Yeah,” I admit, “Surprised the hell out of me too, but yeah.”

″Don’t you want to though?” Deacon presses. “I mean, he is hot.”

″He’s gorgeous. And yeah, I’m attracted to him.” I rub the back of my neck. “But I like just talking to him, too. It’s interesting.”

″You’re gonna do that all summer? Just talk to him? You’re not even going to try to suck his dick or get him to touch yours?” His eyebrows rise as he lowers his head, making it seem like he’s looking down on me.

″I don’t know. I keep trying not to do anything, but I keep plowing into him, and it’s hard to walk away.” I rub my hands over my face. “I know what I should do, but I can’t make myself do it.”

″So, come out with me. Have fun, take the edge off. Get Maddox out of your head,” he pleads.

″That’s just it, cousin.” I sigh heavily, willing him to understand. “Taking the edge off has no appeal anymore. I know, I used to live for the thrill, but now it doesn’t seem as fun.”

″Are you seriously trying to tell me sex isn’t fun?” Deacon recoils.

″No. I just don’t think it sounds fun with a random stranger who comes through town.”

″Random strangers are what we were supposed to do all summer.” He throws his arms wide, like he’s got nothing to show for coming here. No reason to stay.

″You still can.”

″Yeah, but it was fun to do together. Tell me that bachelorette party wasn’t amazing.” I swear his eyes are pleading for me to see reason.

″It was amazing.” I placate him, though he’s right. At the time it was. Those girls had some kinky games to play, and we both enjoyed every minute of it .

″And you want to give that up?” Deacon balks.

″Just because I’m taking a break from picking up tourists doesn’t mean you have to. And it damn sure doesn’t give you an excuse to be mean to Maddox.” I point an accusing finger at him.

″I haven’t been mean to him.” He crosses his arms defiantly.

″Deacon, he’s not blind,” I groan. “He sees you glaring at him.”

″I was glaring at you, not him.”

″Well, he doesn’t know that.” I throw my hands up. “He’s still the client so you can’t treat him like shit.”

″Speaking of, I thought we agreed it was a bad idea to get too close to the client?” He scowls, throwing my own BS back at me.

That’s the other part of this fucked up situation I’ve been trying to avoid. I said that earlier, and it still makes a lot of sense, though a part of me doesn’t care anymore.

But I can’t just ignore it. This is my dad’s business, my future business we’re talking about. And the Gerome’s are good clients. I don’t want to mess that up because of my interest in Maddox. Yet each time I’m with him, I feel my resolve fading a little more, and I don’t know how much longer I can hold out.

I’m still shocked I didn’t screw up and start kissing him last night when we walked to our cars. I’m even more shocked he enjoyed hanging out at the bar and hearing about our stupid drinking games.

Seeing him smile, laugh, and even throw down a few jokes made him that much more appealing, and when we were alone, I realized he once again didn’t judge me for my immature antics. That made me want to push him up against the car and kiss the hell out of him like I did in the studio.

I think about doing that every time I see him, because I’m dying to feel him again. But between me being bad for him and him being the nephew of our client, Deacon’s right, getting too close is a bad idea. I know that. I just haven’t been able to keep my distance.

″Yes, getting close is a bad idea.” I rub my face again. “I don’t feel like I have control over it though.”

Now that I’ve said it, I realize it’s the truth. I keep trying to avoid him, but he keeps materializing everywhere I am, and when that happens, I’m powerless.

″That sounds fucked up.” Deacon whistles.

″It is. It’s all kinds of fucked up.” I drop onto the retaining wall surrounding the patio, exhausted. “I see him, and I’m tempted to forget how I’m bad for him or that it’s reckless to get close to him. I’m trying to fight it, but...” I trail off.

″Okay, now you’re freaking me out.” Deacon’s brow furrows. “You’re talking like you’re whipped, but there’s no way that’s true, right? I mean, you’re the ultimate bachelor. And you haven’t even been with a guy yet, so you can’t possibly be holding out for this one. This is just, like, a phase or something, right?”

″I have no clue, cousin.” I squint up at him.

″Maybe you just need to do this. Hang out with him, bang him, whatever, just get him out of your system so you can go back to normal.” He sits next to me, a peace offering of sorts.

I take a moment to think about the merits of this idea. He’s clearly in my system right now, and the harder I fight it the worse it seems to get. Maybe I do need to stop fighting this and see where it goes. Maybe that’s how I get him out of my head. We do have all summer, which should be plenty of time to get my fill, and it’s not like we have to be inseparable or anything, so it’s possible I won’t become his distraction.

The only thing I get hung up on is the fact he’s not a casual sex person, and I don’t know how to be anything else. I’m not opposed to being monogamous, hell I’ve already thought about doing that for him, I just don’t know if I’d want that long-term. But as he pointed out last night, he’s leaving at the end of the summer, so there’s a limit on this thing, and maybe that’s a good compromise.

We’re both obviously attracted to one another, and I don’t see that going away. I think it will only get worse, and I am getting tired of fighting it. I’m not sure I can do it the rest of the summer. I’m also not sure I could be a boyfriend type for longer than that, so having an expiration date could be the perfect solution. It would make us more than a casual hook up but less than a couple, I think. Friends with benefits, if you will. Best of all, an expiration date means it won’t affect our relationship with his uncle, because I can’t mess something up that can’t be permanent to begin with.

I’m still not worthy of someone like Maddox, not by a long shot, but if he’s okay to slum it with a guy like me for a few months, who am I to object? We could hang out, get our fill of each other, and go our separate ways at the end of the summer. He’ll move on to a successful career and I’ll go back to my carefree lifestyle. This could work.

″Hello. Earth to Cade. What the fuck?” Deacon waves his hand in front of my face.

″Shit, sorry. I was thinking.”

″Yeah, I got that,” he grunts. “So, what are you gonna do?”

″I think you’re right.” I nod absently. “I think I should just do this and get it out of my system. Then when he leaves at the end of the summer I’ll be back to normal.”

″Okay, yeah. I mean, it sucks to go it alone for a while, but it’s only temporary, right?” he reasons, looking as scared as I feel.

″Of course. It has to be. He’s leaving.”

″Okay.” Deacon puts on a brave face. “I mean, I still don’t get it, but if this is what you gotta do, then do it. ”

Just then, as if I need a sign, Maddox comes out of the house with his hiking gear. “Okay. Right.” I exhale. “Let’s see if this works.”

***

“Solo, are you really heading out to hike all by yourself again?” I grin as I approach.

″Solo,” Maddox muses. “I haven’t heard that name in a while. I thought you’d given it up.”

″Can’t give it up until you stop doing things by yourself.” I fall in step with him as he heads to his car.

″What’s wrong with doing things by myself?” He casts me a curious glance.

″I won’t be there to rescue you.” I wink.

″Oh.” His shoulders slump forward. “And here I thought you wanted to keep me company.”

″Who says I don’t want to keep you company?” I lean against the driver’s side door, blocking his escape.

″You.” He tosses his pack in the back of the car, barely sparing me a glance. “You think I need a babysitter.”

″I didn’t say that.” I hold my hands up in surrender.

″You implied it. If you want to come, come. But don’t do it because you have some backward notion that I need a guide or a babysitter. I’m not helpless.” He reaches for the door, determined to get past me.

His sass is kind of hot, but he’s damn defensive about his independence. I wonder why.

″I know you don’t need a babysitter.” I step back and pull the door open so he can get in. “I was only teasing about the rescue thing. What trail are you doing? ”

He studies me for a moment, like he’s trying to decide if I really am teasing. I must look convincing, because he finally relaxes. “Highline.”

″That’s one of my favorites. Can I come with you?”

His stormy eyes search mine. I’ve never asked to hang out with him before and doing so now seems to have made him suspicious. Eventually he relents. “Fine.”

I swap my work boots for a pair of tennis shoes and grab a water bottle from my truck, then jump in the car with him. He’s focused as he drives, never taking his eyes off the road. I don’t know if that’s just his personality or if I’m making him nervous, so I try to ease the tension.

″Why are you so determined to do things on your own?” I ask.

He grips the steering wheel tighter. Maybe that wasn’t the best topic to bring up right now, but I am curious.

“Is that a bad thing?” He glances briefly at me before turning back to the road.

″No. I’m just not used to that. People here are always helping each other out so I don’t understand why having help makes you think you’re helpless.”

He takes a few deep breaths before answering. “I guess I’m sensitive to people assuming I can’t do things on my own.”

″Why would they assume that?” I frown.

He exhales heavily. “You’re probably well aware, but my family has money, and that makes people think I get everything handed to me.” He casts another quick glance in my direction, and my expression must pass some sort of test because he continues. “It doesn’t help that I could have the handout if I wanted it. Most of us go into the family business, and while we have to earn our place to a degree, there will always be a place. Growing up, people resented me because they thought I didn’t have to work for anything, and I hate being seen like that.”

That totally fits what I know about him, and in a way I can relate. My future has been handed to me, so I know how easy it is to just take it and not find your own way. It couldn’t have been easy to turn all that down, and if I’m honest it makes me respect him even more. I hate how he worries about that though.

″You don’t have to prove yourself to anyone.”

″What does that mean?” A cute little wrinkle bisects his eyebrows.

″It means people who assume you’re getting a handout are just jealous that they aren’t, and no matter what you do they’ll assume you had it handed to you. So, don’t waste your time trying to prove them wrong. Prove yourself right. Chase your dream.” I shrug.

″Speaking from experience?” He regards me warily.

″Not really. I’m the guy that’s going to take the career my family’s giving me. I’ve never considered doing anything else. What didn’t you like about your family’s business?” I change the subject.

″I don’t dislike the family business. Managing money means evaluating the different places to invest in, and that part is really interesting. But I thought building something instead of financing it would be even more interesting. And I’d rather be outside than behind a desk. Fewer people.” A slight smile tugs at his lip.

″What made you pick environmental science?” I ask as he pulls into the trailhead.

″An intro-level science class in college. There was a unit on the environment, and we covered climate change, alternate sources of energy… I got hooked.” His smile looks almost wistful, just like my expression gets when I think about riding a trail. What would it be like to think about work that fondly ?

Once we’re parked, I grab his bag from the car, but instead of handing it to him I strap it on. He glares at me, I assume because his mind went to that whole helpless thing again, but this isn’t about helping him, it’s just good manners.

We walk in silence for several minutes before he finally gets over my chivalry, if that’s what it’s called, seeing as how we’re two guys. “You hike this trail a lot?” he asks.

″Bike it, usually.”

″You bike this ? These rocks are more like steps. How can you possibly bike this?”

″Years of practice.” I chuckle, forcing myself not to reach for his hand to help him over a big rock. “If you know where to place the tires all you have to do is keep pedaling and the bike rolls over the rocks. And the whole trail isn’t like this, just a few sections, so most of the time you’re pedaling on even terrain.”

″So, when you bike this, you ride up and then turn around and come down?” He looks over his shoulder at the trail we’ve climbed so far.

″Sometimes. I usually do the whole loop though, which is about ten miles. I prefer riding the back part of the trail down.”

″Why?”

″Well, this section is fun with the big drops–” I gesture to the rocks we’re stepping over, “--but it’s more technical so you have to watch your speed. If you ride the trail the way we’re hiking it you have a steep but short climb to start, and more of a rolling hill to finish, so you get more speed and sort of float down the trail.”

“Floating?” He snorts. “Over dirt?”

“Don’t knock it till you try it.”

“I’ll stick to surfing. I like softer landings.”

“Fair enough, although if you ever want to trade surf lessons for bike lessons, I’m game.”

″Hmph,” he grunts. “So, you bike this trail all the time, do you ever hike it?”

″Not for years, no.” I shake my head.

″Why now?” He glances at me sideways as we trek along.

″Uh, because you’re hiking now?” I thought that was obvious.

He stops and looks at me. “No, I mean why did you ask to spend time with me now? You’ve never done that before. I didn’t think you wanted to.”

″I wouldn’t say I didn’t want to.” I rub the back of my neck.

″Were afraid to, then,” he presses.

I nod, because there’s no point denying that. “I told you why.”

″What changed?”

I’m not really sure what he wants me to say here. All I know is I’m tired of fighting this, and that I won’t stop him from taking a risk on me if I’m what he really wants.

″You told me not to make decisions about what you deserve.” I lift my shoulders.

″I told you that days ago, why are you listening now?” His cloudy gray eyes bore into mine, but I can’t tell if that’s because he’s confused, upset, or just plain curious.

I was hoping the fact I listened would be enough, but I guess I have to admit everything. Fuck it.

″I like you. I think you like me. I’m tired of trying to ignore that or tell you it’s a bad idea.” I hold his stare, hoping that makes it easier for him to believe me after I spent so long trying to push him away.

″You don’t think you’re bad for me anymore?” His round eyes narrow to slits .

″Of course, I’m still bad for you,” I tell him honestly. “I’m still the selfish guy who lives to have fun and has no idea how to be with just one person, and has never even been with a guy. I can’t for the life of me figure out why that doesn’t bother you, but I don’t think it does. You know what you’re getting with me, and if that’s what you want, I won’t stop you, because I damn sure want you.”

″You want to sleep with me,” he concludes.

″No. I mean yes, I do, ever since the first time I saw you. And I admit back then I was focused on getting you into bed, because that’s all I’ve ever focused on, and I really wanted to explore getting it on with another dude. But that’s not my end goal now.”

Madd cocks his head to the side, giving me a suspicious once-over. “What is?”

“Honestly? I’m not even sure. I just know you make me want to be a better person, so if all we do is hang out and never fuck, I’d be cool with that. Full disclosure, I’ll probably jerk off to the fantasy of it, but I wouldn’t act on it if that’s not what you want. And if you do—” I rub my neck “—I just want to be around you. Only you. For however long you’re here.”

By the look on his face, he’s just as stunned by my admission as I am, though I meant every word. I want him, and if he feels the same, I’m not going to block it anymore. The question is, does he want me, or did I screw this up already? I can’t tell.

He’s too quiet beside me, staring out over the landscape with his trademark pensive expression that tells me nothing. What is he thinking? The silence is eating me alive and I’m not sure I can take it much longer.

Just as I’m about to snap, Madd's hand shoots out, grabbing my shirt in his fist and yanking me to him, crushing our mouths together.