Page 23 of Worthy (Adrenalin #1)

Chapter twenty-two

Cade

N ights are the hardest. That’s when the loneliness is the most crushing, because now all the things I used to do with Maddox I have to do alone. Even though that was the case before he came into my life, and it never bothered me, I hate it now.

Deacon and the guys think hanging out with them will make it all better, divert my attention or something. That only makes me miss him more, because as much as I like those guys, their antics don’t interest me the way they used to. I couldn’t care less about chasing girls. I couldn’t care less about getting drunk. I couldn’t care less about what’s happening around town. Besides, going anywhere would only expose me to the talk I know is going around, and for the first time in my life I can’t stomach it.

Maddox may not have realized I was in love with him, but there’s no doubt the whole town knew. They saw the changes in me and were happy for me, but now, that’s turned into sympathy and pity, which makes my stomach churn. They don’t mean anything by it, but seeing the sorrow mirrored back at me over and over again is too much. So, I don’t go out anymore. Not to The Underground, not to the concerts and end-of-summer festivals, not even to do my errands. I drive to the next town over for those, where I’m less likely to run into anyone I know.

Or anyone I know well enough to ask about Maddox anyway, because if someone did, I don’t have an answer to give.

We haven’t communicated at all since he left. Total radio silence. I guess I should be glad he’s making a clean break, not drawing things out and making it even more difficult to get over him. I might resent it a little though, because he’s apparently fine without me, and I’m wrecked without him. Barely surviving and keeping it together by staying busy so I don’t have time to think—to remember.

I hope closing the books on his uncle’s project today will help with that, because I can’t stand to be at this place without him. Normally, I’d leave this part to my dad, but without Maddox here, and to keep myself occupied, I’ve started to take on a bigger role in the business. Given how this was my job site, Dad wants me to do the final review, so for the first time since he left I’m back at the place that felt like ours mere weeks ago.

″I know, you’ve never been good at sitting still,” Dad says, “but you’re driving me nuts.”

″Sorry.” I stop pacing and take a seat on one of the chairs to wait for Rick.

″You never told him how you feel, did you?” He sounds disappointed.

″I couldn’t do that to him.” I rest my arms on my knees and shake my head.

″Do what exactly? Make him happy? Because he looked pretty damn happy when I saw him.” He rocks back and forth in his chair.

″For the summer, yeah. But long term? He’s too smart and driven to be happy with a guy like me,” I say softly.

″Was that really your decision to make?” He stares at me pointedly .

″Yes,” I insist. “I’d just hold him back.”

″Why, because you don’t have a PhD?”

″Among other things,” I snap.

″Don’t tell me you’re intimidated by the fact he’s smart.”

″Of course not.” I scoff. “I kept quiet because we don’t exactly boast a lot of jobs for scientists here, but since you pointed it out, I have absolutely no idea what he’s talking about when he discusses his work. It sounds like a foreign language to me and the best I’ve got to add to the conversation is the occasional head nod. I’m not foolish enough to deny at some point he’ll want to be with someone who understands what he does, so while I’m not intimidated by his intelligence, I acknowledge my lack of it might get boring to him one day.” I stand up to pace again, unable to sit still.

″Do you think I understand what your mother does?” Dad frowns, his eyes tracking me as I move.

That’s not at all what I was expecting him to say. “Don’t you?” I ask.

″Hell no. I’m a builder, same as you. I find what she does interesting, but I can’t talk to her intelligently about it. I can’t give her advice or input about her job any more than she can give those things to me, although I like to think that the questions I ask help her do her job better.” He winks. “Either way, what we do for a living doesn’t have any bearing on how we feel about each other.”

I admit I hadn’t considered my parents’ ability to make things work despite being in two wildly different fields, but the type of work Maddox does or the fact that he’s brilliant was never my major hang up. Sure, I worry he’d get bored with a guy like me, but I was more concerned with his ability to do what he loves here in Katah Vista. Mom doesn’t need a lab to do her job, she’s fine with a couple scales and microscopes. I doubt Maddox could say the same .

A car pulls into the drive, ending our conversation. Which is for the best considering I’ve thought through all this already, and I don’t need to go through it again, even with my dad. I doubt he could change my mind, anyway. Rick exits and gives the driver a tip before turning to get his first look at what we’ve done, and from the look on his face he likes what he sees. We were able to blend the new garage with the original structure in a way that makes the house seem like it still has its original footprint, but whereas before the garage faced the driveway, now it’s sort of tucked behind the house, connected by the new, oversized mudroom.

″I’m speechless, guys, it looks amazing.” He steps up to shake first Dad’s hand, then mine.

″Which part do you want to see first?” Dad beams.

″The garage. Definitely the garage.” Rick’s eyes light up as he looks at it.

Rick and Dad follow me to the first of three bay doors, where I enter a code into the keypad. The door slides upward to reveal the Subaru that’s been parked there since Madd’s departure. It’s the first time I’ve seen that car since he left, and it hits me harder than I expected to see it sitting there untouched. It makes the air leave my lungs for a minute, and I have to take a shallow breath to shake off the memories before I lead them inside, hoping they didn’t notice my hesitation.

Rick likes his toys, so we’ve set him up with storage for everything from skis to bikes and tools. The car has always been here, but once we finished the garage, we retrieved all his items from the storage locker he rented and put everything away. You wouldn’t know it given the lack of visible evidence, but this garage is holding a shit ton of gear.

″I can’t believe how clean it looks. You guys made storage for everything,” he marvels as he opens and shuts cabinets .

Dad beams at the compliment. I should too, since it’s actually my work, but I just can’t bring myself to get excited. Dad looks at me with raised eyebrows, and I reluctantly make the rounds to show Rick each and every nook and cranny he has to store stuff, first in the garage, then the mud room. When he’s explored every inch, we head to the patio so he can take that in.

Outside, I can breathe a little better, but I still can’t muster a lot of enthusiasm, even when Rick discovers the sculpture I hung on the garage. I can’t look at the copper mountain-scape mimicking the view from Madd’s favorite hike without feeling like my chest is about to cave in. I look everywhere else while he asks about it, doing my best to answer his questions without sounding like an asshole.

″I never would’ve thought to hang anything here, but the sculpture makes this feel like another room, not a patio. And I love how it’s suspended on the wall, so it looks three dimensional even though it’s flat. And you say it will change over time?” He turns to me.

″The patina will change, yeah,” I mutter.

He and my dad exchange a look, and I know I’m not doing a good job of sounding pleasant.

″It’ll become a little more weathered, but not smudged like silver gets,” I add, trying to sound informative instead of bored. It’s not Rick’s fault I can’t wait to get out of here.

″Did you get this piece locally? I’d love to put something like this over the fireplace inside too.” He turns back to admire the sculpture.

″I made that with a few copper scraps I found.” I rub the back of my neck, wishing he hadn’t asked. I don’t want to get into how I came up with the design.

″You made this? With scraps ?” He traces the edge of the mountain-scape with his finger .

I nod, wondering if his surprise means he’s disappointed or impressed.

″Wow, I never would’ve guessed. You know, this reminds me of this little flower Maddox has. It’s made out of a gear and some sort of metal pipe, I think. From a distance it looks like a symmetrical flower, but up close you can see the size of the leaves are slightly different, sort of imperfect, which he says makes it more real because nothing is perfect. But now I’m wondering if that was the intent, or if it’s just what the artist had available.” He stares at me knowingly as he finishes talking, and even though this is his uncle, I can’t help but wonder if maybe his ability to see inside me and understand me better than anyone else comes from him, because it sure feels like he knows me too well right now. It was oddly reassuring when Maddox did it, but it’s kind of intimidating coming from Rick. Shit .

I’ve always liked Rick, and I’m not going to insult him by playing dumb. But I don’t know how much Maddox has said about his summer, and I don’t feel right talking to him about us, so I’m not going to volunteer anything more than I have to.

″It’s what I had available,” I confirm evenly.

″Why does it say, Eternal? ” he presses, his tone decidedly less friendly than it was when we were looking at the garage.

″Come again?” I frown, confused. It didn’t say anything the last time I saw it.

″It’s in a frame on his desk that says, Eternal. ” Rick crosses his arms and stares pointedly at me.

Maddox framed it?

With the caption ‘Eternal?’

That’s… Oh my God. That’s what he said at the airport when I said the flower wouldn’t wilt. Holy fuck that’s… Sweet?

Nah. I mean, it’s sweet he put it where he can see it every day, but that’s not the right word.

Sentimental? It’s that too, but sentimental isn’t right either.

Meaningful. It’s fucking meaningful, just like he said he would be when he taunted me about being a notch on my bedpost.

Fuck I miss him.

Oh shit, Rick’s still staring at me.

Am I smiling? Or staring at nothing? Even good memories of Maddox can leave me feeling empty, so I have no idea what expression he sees right now. I try to make my face blank.

″Well, technically metal doesn’t wilt.” That sounds like an excuse, a dismissal, even to my ears, despite the fact every word is true. But I won’t say more because it’s not my place to tell him what Maddox might have been thinking when he framed the flower. Or what I wish he was thinking.

″You know, Cade,” Rick glowers, “I’m tempted to deck you right now for making him so miserable, but since you look just as awful as he does, I’m guessing he isn’t the only one with a broken heart. What the hell happened?”

Dad’s eyes dart back and forth between me and Rick, like he’s not sure whether to be alarmed by this confrontation, but I’m too distracted by what Rick said to think about his anger. A broken heart? That doesn’t make any sense.

″You think he has a broken heart?” It comes out as barely a whisper.

″He’s not the same person he used to be, and I can’t think of another explanation for that. So, are you going to tell me what happened?” he demands, fisting his hands on his hips.

″Nothing happened.” I clear my throat. “Not like you’re thinking, anyway.”

″What am I thinking? ”

″That I somehow took advantage of him, but it’s nothing like that. I respect Maddox more than anyone I’ve ever met, and all I want is to see him achieve the dream he came here to work on.” I try to sound happy. Optimistic on Madd’s behalf. I don’t think it works.

“Your answer still doesn’t explain why you’re both lonely and depressed.”

″He’s lonely?” I wince.

″And depressed,” Rick adds.

I’m not sure how to react to this. I assumed the reason I didn’t hear from Maddox was because he was able to put me out of his mind, not because he was miserable. Did I really cause him to feel that way? Did I end up being the distraction I always swore I wouldn’t become? If so, I may have put his career in jeopardy. Shit .

″Did he pass his thesis?” I hold my breath, waiting for the answer.

″Yes,” Rick says curtly.

″What’s he going to do now?” I ask softly.

″I don’t know. I don’t think he knows. We’ve all been wondering why that is, when he was so driven before. Now I understand.” He eyes me critically.

″I’m sorry.” I hang my head. It’s not enough, but I don’t know what else to say. I’m not sure there’s anything you can say when you screw up someone’s future. I never should’ve let myself get close to him.

″Sorry for what? Sorry you let him go? Or sorry he fell in love with you?”

″You think he’s in love with me?” I blink as my jaw drops.

″It would explain how he’s acting.”

For a moment, the weight in my chest vanishes. Maddox in love with me are the words I’ve wanted to hear for so long, and even though it’s not him saying them, it makes me so fucking relieved to hear it. But all too soon the weight comes crashing down again. Even if it’s true, it doesn’t change anything.

″I’m sorry, Rick, I don’t think you’re right,” I choke. “He never told me that.”

″Cade, I’d be remiss if I didn’t point out you’re in love with him, and you didn’t tell him how you felt either,” Dad says, almost guiltily. Rick looks at me with raised eyebrows.

″I didn’t tell him because he deserves the best, and the best isn’t me or this town. Not for someone like him,” I say firmly.

″Someone like him?” Rick prompts.

″Yeah. Someone who’s brilliant and wants to do good things with that knowledge. He should be surrounded by people who can give him those opportunities. He won’t find them in Katah Vista or with me. He deserves better.” I’m practically shouting at this point, but I’m damn tired of having to justify why he’s better without me.

″Forget about what he deserves,” Rick scoffs. “Think about what he wants. Do you even know what that is?”

″Do you?” I retort.

″I used to,” Rick insists. “But like I said, he’s different now. He’s different since he met you. I think the only way to know what he wants is to ask him.”

I stare at him, dumbfounded. “What, just call him up out of the blue and ask what he wants to do with his life? Ask if he wants me to be part of it? Is that what you’re saying?”

″Yes,” he shouts, startling both of us. He shakes his head, takes a deep breath, and continues. “I appreciate that you’re trying to think of what’s best for him, but it’s not your decision to make. It’s his.”

″Can’t you see, by not asking him, I’m keeping him from making a bad decision.” I reason. “How could I live with myself if he gave up his dream career for me? ”

″From where I’m standing, it looks like you’d sacrifice anything for him. I fail to see how that makes you a bad decision.” Rick crosses his arms, almost daring me to object, which makes no sense considering he seemed pissed at me just a few minutes ago.

What the hell? Why is everyone hell bent on me trying to make things work with Maddox? Can’t they see that’s a selfish thing to do? I don’t want to be the selfish bastard anymore. I don’t want to be the guy who thinks of himself at the expense of others. I’m finally putting someone else’s needs before my own, and even though it’s gutting me to live without him, I’d rather do that than be the reason he loses his dream.

I hate that Madd’s hurting, and I’d do anything to take that away. Anything but what Rick’s asking. I won’t ask him to give up everything and I won’t have him grow to hate me later for forcing him to choose between his future and loving me.

″We’re talking in circles here Rick,” I exhale, shaking my head in defeat. “I’m messing up Maddox’s future.”

″You’re not going to tell him that you love him?” He arches a thick brow.

″It’s because I love him,” I say softly. “If he knew… If he knew he might say it back. And if he says it back he might walk away from everything he’s worked for to be with me. As much as I want that, I can’t do that to him. And I can’t leave here, either. Why would I ask him to give up everything when I wouldn’t be willing to do the same?”

Rick throws his hands in the air and turns to my dad. “Is he always this stubborn?”

″Not usually, no.” Dad sounds almost sad. Hopeless, even. Fuck .

I storm off before I can hear Rick’s response. I can’t stand here and talk about Maddox anymore or listen to Rick and my dad talk about me. I don’t care that Rick’s the client and I’m supposed to be nice to him. I don’t care that I’m walking out on my dad. I just can’t be here anymore. All I care about is erasing this day from memory in the nearest bottle. Maybe then, I’ll forget what Rick said about Maddox loving me.