Page 9

halle

My skin longed for his touch every waking minute. Somehow a whole week of school had passed already. It felt like we were texting or talking on the phone every minute. At least, when I wasn't in class and he wasn't in practice. It felt like our schedules were always conflicting.

I'd been away from the people I loved and knew the best, my family, for whole summers and sometimes longer. I'd known them my entire life, yet somehow I'd never understood being homesick and missing people. Now I did.

My short stay in Chicago had completely changed my life. I'd felt more at home in the big city than I did in Toronto. It even rivaled the beach. But the thing that made me homesick wasn't the city itself, nor the nice apartment I'd stayed at. My heart ached to return home to Tyler.

It felt like he was never off my mind. I was excited to watch him play tonight against Arizona. It felt like weeks since I'd seen him, even though it'd been only six days. How could I handle a future that was more time away than with him?

My laptop was switched on in front of me. My knee jiggled nervously as I watched the darkened arena behind the announcers. Emily was pacing by her bed. I knew how much she wanted to go to the party just off campus. If the game wasn't on tonight, I knew she'd be dragging me out to the oversized frat house. Not that I wanted to party. I'd indulge my frivolous roommate, but we didn't have the same meaning of fun. Last time was a rare occurrence that I didn't plan to repeat. I had too much riding on my academics, getting kicked out for underage drinking would ruin me.

Emily wouldn't go without me. We didn't have many other friends on campus, and even if we did, Emily and I only trusted each other. Friends since childhood, now roommates. My eyes travelled up to her pacing form.

Right as the face off was starting, my phone began to buzz wildly. The sudden noise made me jump. I frowned. Who could be calling me, especially at eight at night? I relaxed when I saw that the caller i.d. read 'Mom'. Grudgingly, I answered the phone.

"Are you still in Chicago?" Uh oh, this was her angry tone. I gulped. I'd hoped they wouldn't find out about my trip. Neither of my brothers had Instagram to see the post with Tyler, and my sister was too young to have a phone yet. How did they find out?

"What? No, Mom. I'm sitting in my dorm room."

"Your brother told me you were in that horrible city." Snapchat. Of course. I'd forgotten that I had added my brothers to my personal story. Damn. I was busted.

"I was...but not anymore."

"Why? How? What was so important that you went to Chicago? Do you know how dangerous that city is?" I gritted my teeth, annoyed at her over protective tone.

"It was...uh..." I looked at Emily with wild eyes. I needed some excuse. She mouthed 'conference' and I deflated in relief. "It was for a science conference. Studying marine life in Lake Michigan. I went to the aquarium and everything, it was super cool." The lie rolled way too easily off my tongue. I cringed at my fib. There were a lot of flaws with my excuse, but I hope she believed me enough to accept it.

"Oh, that's nice. I wish you would have told me. It'd be nice to know when my oldest daughter goes flying thousands of miles by herself from her college. It's already hard enough knowing how far from home you are." I relaxed, feeling guilty. I'd never lied like this before. My mom had no reason to think I wasn't telling the truth.

"I'll tell you next time, Mom. I promise. It was a super last minute thing and I didn't even think of it."

"I'd appreciate it. How are you, otherwise? How are your classes going? How's Emily?"

"I'm good. My classes are hard but I'm getting into the rhythm with them already. Em's good. She's right here if you want to say hi." I held out the phone, letting Emily shout into it.

"Hey, Momma Finch!" I could hear the tail of my mother's chuckle when I pressed the phone back to my ear.

"What are you two girls up to tonight?" I glanced down at the hockey game in dismay. I'd completely forgotten about it.

"Oh! Crap. I was watching a hockey game. I forgot about it when you called, though."

"I'll let you—wait. Hockey? Do you feel ok, sweetheart?" I let out a bark of laughter.

"Yes, I feel absolutely fine. As a matter of fact, I've discovered that hockey is quite the enjoyable pastime."

"We've been trying to tell you that for years! What made you change your mind?"

"When that guy from the Blackhawks fell through the glass right in front of me." My answer was completely truthful. That was the event that had captivated my interest in Tyler. Look what it led to.

"Oh, I remember that! Your father was so fired up and excited. I did feel bad for that poor boy, though. Looked like a nasty head injury. You should come up for more games over spring break. I'm sure there's a few home ones." My Mom's interest was peaked. She often tried to hide her own avid love of the NHL, but even she could start spewing facts and random numbers when provoked. I sensed the conversation heading that way now.

"Maybe. That'd be nice. Although I'm not exactly a Leafs fan." She gasped like I'd stolen her favorite hair tie.

"Oh, you little traitor. I thought I raised you right. Better not be a Hurricanes fan. I might have to cut you off then!" I laughed again at the shock in her tone. My answer wasn't much better in her mind.

"Nope. I admit I might be partial to the Blackhawks." The silence on the other end was deafening. Finally, after the drawn out pause, my mother's shocked reply came. I could she was joking. At least, in part.

"Oh no, you aren't. I forbid it, missy. We are a family of Leafs fans! Nothing else and nothing less!"

"We beat you guys last time, Mom."

"'We?!' She says 'we!' We've lost her! Tell Emily you need to get checked out. This is unacceptable." I was fighting to hold back giggles. Oh, if only my mother knew.

"Tell you what, Mom. Next time I come home I'll go to a Leafs game. Maybe then you can try to persuade me back over."

"I'll work on my presentation."

"I'm gonna go, Mom. Blackhawks at Arizona right now. Can't miss it!" I ignored her groan. "I love you. Bye!"

My attention flicked immediately to the screen. I groaned to see that the Coyotes had scored in my time on the phone. Emily let out a laugh from where she'd fallen onto her bed.

"You're crazy. I know you're watching it only because of Tyler, but do you actually like sitting and watching him play for a few hours every other day?" I didn't look up.

"Yes, I do. I love watching Ty play. And I want to see every point he scores. He's getting closer to leaderboards every day."

"Yeah, but nothing major, right? Just the year by year scoreboards. There's gonna be a hundred other games in his career to watch. I think you should leave this one and come with me."

"Em, come on. You know if I go I'm gonna end up with a drink and then I'm gonna get drunk again and I don't like being drunk." I groaned. I had a bad feeling I wouldn't win this one.

"Then just don't drink." Emily smirked at me as I glared at her.

"Not that easy. I don't have nerves of steel. I couldn't say no to a fly."

"Well that's your problem. Need to work on that one." I rolled my eyes.

"I'm not going out. I'm going to sit here and watch my boyfriend play hockey, K?" Emily didn't speak. I refused to look up at she stood from her bed and shifted around in her dresser.

"Here. Humor me with this then." A clear bottle was shoved in my face. My nostrils burned from the strong alcohol.

"Where did you get this?" Tentatively I took the glass. I didn't want to drink it, but if it was the only way to shut Emily up for the night then I guess I didn't have much other choice.

"Oh, around. Doesn't matter right now. Just drink."

My nose scrunched as I tilted the bottle to my lips. It'd be easier to down the contents in a quick gulp. Squeezing my eyes shut, I poured the liquid down my throat. Then I came up gagging, hating the feel of the burn in my esophagus.

"Jeez, you act like I just made you drink piss or something." Emily's face was filled with humor. I glared at her.

"Tasted like it."

She waved me away, taking the bottle back to her bed. I turned my attention to the laptop for a third time. Hopefully there wouldn't be any more distractions.

A deadly combination of vibration and ringing went off like a siren in my ear. With blurred eyes, I looked at my phone screen. I was too tired to make out the name displayed on the top. Instead my fingers found the green button.

"Hello?" My voice was deep from sleep and the alcohol I'd consumed earlier.

"Halle?" Trying to remember where I remembered the voice from hurt my head too much. I knew them, but who was it.

"Uh...yeah?"

"Did I wake you up? Sorry, I thought we could talk like we did last time."

"Yeah..."

"Did you watch the game?" I cursed, sitting up. My laptop was sitting sideways to next me, the screen black. I'd fallen asleep. Sobered, I finally remembered who was on the phone.

"Damn, I'm sorry Tyler. I completely fell asleep. Did you win?"

"Oh. Yeah, we did." My heart gave a pang at the disappointment in his voice. I bit my lip, debating if I should tell him the reason as to why I fell asleep.

"That's good. I'm sorry again, Ty."

"It's ok. I'll let you get back to sleep." Before I could protest, he hung up. I looked down at my screen. I debated calling him back and apologizing again. I felt terrible.

With a sigh, I fell back onto my pillow. Again, I wished I was still in Chicago. Maybe then I'd stop messing up. First lying to my mom, then drinking, now making Tyler upset. Guilt was heavy on my chest. I couldn't fall back asleep. Thoughts of what could've happened permeated my brain. I cursed Emily for giving me drinks. But then again, I was the one who was too nice to say no all the time. I'd gotten myself into the predicament.

I rolled out of bed, unable to keep my eyes closed. My momentary tiredness was completely gone by now. I wasn't sure what I could do to keep myself occupied until daybreak. It was only three in the morning. Nothing would be open. No one would be awake. I really wanted to call Tyler back. But I couldn't. He'd sounded annoyed with me. I'd give him some space.

I pushed the covers off of myself roughly. My sneakers were nowhere to be found, so I shoved my sock covered feet into a pair of slides. Hopefully it wasn't too cold out for the sport shorts that barely reached my mid thigh. I was wearing one of Tyler's t-shirts that he'd given me, which still smelled exactly like him. With Emily's car keys in hand, I headed for the door. As a second thought, I grabbed a windbreaker from my closet.

Thirty minutes from campus was a decent sized lake. It wasn't the beach, but it was good enough. It would clear my head sufficiently. Not as well as salty sea air, unfortunately. My ran my hand through my messy hair as I traversed the halls of my dorm building. Why did I feel so bad right now? It was a terrible and suppressing mixture of guilt and sadness.

In Emily's Toyota, I connected my phone to the stereo system. After selecting a playlist, I cranked the volume. These songs definitely weren't going to help my mood, but it was what I needed.

Driving off of campus was surreal. I'd never been out driving this late. Or early? It was three in the morning. Too early for morning risers and too late for party goers. And it was Sunday, adding to the lack of people. I was the sole occupant of the deserted road. My music and I flew down the empty streets, not worrying about traffic.

The trip to Falls Lake was brief. Normally, on a good day, the trip took half an hour. With empty streets and the lack of cops it took me twenty. The lights were green, I barely paused at stop signs. And like hell I was going to obey the speed limit. On the entire trip, I passed only two other cars. It made me wonder; what were the drivers doing out today? Were they doctors, finally coming home from a crazy shift? Were they going to the airport for an early flight? Everyone had their own stories and their own lives, just like I had mine. Were their lives harder? Did they have to deal with more unimaginable things? I felt silly again. I was quite literally making a mountain out of a mole hill.

I finally arrived at the lake, pulling into the recreational area. Like the streets, the parking lot was deserted. Putting the car into park, I looked around. In the dim streetlights, I could barely make out the edge of the water.

Getting out of the car was easy. Making my way to the lake wasn't. The further from the car I inched, the darker it got. My phone flashlight did nothing to illuminate the ground in front of me. My sandals finally hit coarse lake sand, getting on my socks. When I looked down, I realized I could see the ground better. I let out a sigh when I saw the sky.

From behind the thin cloud cover, the moon had revealed itself. It was only a sliver, but it cast enough light to see the gently lapping water. Across the rippling surface of the lake, the gentle arch reflected calmly. The sudden presence of natural light was a relief. I folded my legs underneath me, not caring about the sand getting on my clothes.

My legs were pulled close to my body. I let my chin rest on the top of my knees. The urge to call Tyler was nudging at my brain again. I tried to ignore it. He needed space. Right? Or was I just overreacting. The way he'd sounded so disappointed had hurt. I never wanted to make him upset.

I sat by the lake, watching the moon for what felt like hours. It grew close to the horizon, dancing with the edge of the world. My heart ached for the ocean. If I was by the sea, I would be able to see the horizon that the moon sank into. Right now there were trees in my way.

Around five thirty, I finally stood. My legs were stiff from not moving. I dusted my bottom off, ridding myself of sand. My lack of sleep was finally catching up to me. My eyelids drooped heavily. It reminded me of another time, in Chicago.

Instead of driving right away, I let my seat fall back. I'd sleep for just a little then get driving back home. The thought of my warm dorm bed was enticing but I wasn't stupid enough to drive drowsy.

In my dreams, I was singing a ringtone. By the sixth time I opened my mouth, I was growing tired of the noise. The seventh made me sit up harshly. I smacked my head sharply on the roof of the car. All around me was lightness. The daylight and the stiffness of my joints both attested to how long I'd been asleep. I scrambled to retrieve my ringing phone. It was Tyler.

"Hello?" My voice was thick and groggy from sleeping in a strange position.

"Halle? Where are you? Emily's been calling me nonstop for an hour freaking out because she can't get ahold of you!" I rubbed my face.

"When did Emily get your number?"

"I don't know! Just call her back or text her and tell her you're ok. You are okay, right? Where are you?"

"Yeah I'm fine. I fell asleep in the car."

"The car?" The puzzlement was obvious in his voice. "Were you even in your dorm when I called you before?"

"Yeah. I was. But I wanted to go out." I danced around our tense conversation from hours before.

"Just call Emily, ok?"

"Yep." My voice was a little too quick. I hung up, opting to text my roommate instead. I didn't feel like her lecturing just yet.

My hand hovering over the text messages Tyler had sent me. I wasn't going to reply. Space, right? Ignoring them, I texted Emily. Once I'd taken care of that, I started to drive home.

Already, the amount of cars in the daylight was growing. I missed the calm and quiet of three a.m. driving. Maybe I should do it more often.

After all, then it was just me, my thoughts, and music. I didn't have to worry about anyone or anything. The surreal experience had been so foreign yet so familiar. It made me never want to stop driving.