Page 17

halle

I didn't watch any of Kirby's games. I knew that if I did, I'd be put through having to listen to Tyler-this and Tyler-that. I didn't want that right now.

It didn't matter if I watched them or not anyway. They won every game. They started the season with an immediate win streak, setting the pace for the upcoming season. The team was already in first place overall for points, followed by their current biggest rival, Tampa Bay Lightning. I had a feeling the points would be relaxed until the last month of games, just like it had been last year.

With my job and school, I was sufficiently busy. I didn't text or call Kirby a lot. Sometimes we FaceTimed at night, but if he was in his apartment it was always iffy. It was like we walked around Tyler on eggshells. I felt guilty, and I think Kirby did too. I knew the two had talked and sort of straightened things out. But that fact didn't stop my perverse feelings.

The team had a small two day break at home now. Usually I called Kirby when they had breaks, but I didn't feel like it today. I decided to go for a run, which always took my mind off things. I was already in the kitchen, already in my clothes and headphones. Emily looked up at me from her bowl of cereal.

"Hey...don't want dinner?" I made a face.

"Cereal isn't much of a meal." Emily shrugged.

"Oh well. You should call Kirby before you run. Just to check in. Ya know?" I looked at her flatly.

"Maybe."

"You really should...it's not good to just leave him hanging all the time." I shrugged in response.

"Later." I ignored the concerned look that crossed Emily's face. Phone in hand, I started for the door. Before I could turn the knob, my ringtone went off annoyingly. I looked at the screen, then back at Emily. Her eyes were narrowed and she held her own phone in the air.

"What?" I didn't hide my exasperation as I answered the call.

"What's up?"

"Nothing."

"Then why did Emily tell me to call you?"

"Because she's annoying. I was going to go for a run."

"You can't run away from everything Halle." Kirby was the one who sounded annoyed now. I was surprised at his tone.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Yes you do. All three of us have been talking about this. A lot. You need to start taking care of yourself again."

"What the hell are you trying to do, stage an intervention? I'm fine, thanks."

"Halle, have you seen yourself? You're tearing yourself apart."

"So?"

"So it's not healthy! Especially over someone so shitty as Tyler." I rubbed my face, cursing Emily and her meddling ways.

"I'm fine. I'll get over Tyler eventually, ok? This is just my way of coping."

"I can't stand by and watch you wither away without being able to do anything."

"Then don't stand by." I was surprised by my own words. The thought didn't even upset me. Hadn't I wanted to hold onto Kirby, for my sake? All the sudden, it felt like I didn't care anymore.

"Come on, Halls." Kirby was trying to be reasonable. I didn't want any of it.

"No. If you can't stop chastising my actions, then I don't want any part of this." I lost him, what's one more person? Before I could finish my testimony, the phone was ripped from my hands.

"Yeah don't listen to her. She doesn't know what she's saying. She'll call you back in a bit, k?" I turned to glare at Emily. The look on her face immediately stopped my anger in its tracks.

"You are really, really stupid! I don't know what's going on in your pretty little head lately, but you're being pretty damn reckless. I know you and Tyler had a fight over something kind of major. It happens to everyone. But people don't react like this. They don't start going off the rails and messing with their ex's best friend in revenge." I opened my mouth indignantly.

"It's not revenge!" Emily crossed her arms.

"Yeah, right. What is it then? A rebound?" I bit my lip, trying to push tears away.

"No! I...I just wanted someone to make me feel the way he did. I wanted to know that there wasn't something wrong with me and I wasn't some dud that no one could love. I just wanted someone to care about me so I didn't drift away and get forgotten."

"And that person had to be Kirby? You know how much pain that's caused? How selfish you look?" Emily didn't soften. I knew she was being truthful, but it still hurt. "You could've fixed things with Tyler. You could've called him and talked." I tensed defensively.

"You don't think I didn't try? I called him everyday! I did try. I tried so hard." My words started as a yell, but softened into a whisper. Emily's stoic features finally cracked a bit.

"Ok. I didn't know that. So he was stupid too. But you...going after Kirby. I still liked him, you know."

"Yeah, not enough to keep him around. I was just trying to live sporadically. Like you. Have some sex here, drink a little booze there. Why are you allowed to do it and I'm not?" Emily looked horrified.

"Because it's not you! You're good, and pure. And you have a boy up north who's still completely head over heels for you and ready to apologize, but you won't answer his damn calls!" It took me a moment to figure out that she wasn't talking about Kirby.

"Have you been talking to him?"

"Yes. And he's groveling at my feet every damn day trying to convince me to talk to you for him. I've never met a man more sorry for his mistakes."

"I can't just take him back."

"You can give him time. You can be friends again and build up from there."

"Yeah like I didn't already give him a second chance. He hurt me, Em. How can I just let someone who hurt me back into my life?"

"Oh come on. It's not that serious." Emily was putting down my feelings in a cruel way. Every belittlement sent a bolt of pain into my heart. I stared at her slack jawed.

"That he wouldn't tell you about his family? You know how ridiculous it is that that was the reason you pushed him away?

"He didn't trust me." Was Emily right? Had I been overreacting? I didn't know anymore.

"Get your head straight, girl. You're supposed to work through those things, not run away. Don't lose your mind over something so small again. Look what it did the first time." I could tell Emily was mad at me. I guess I couldn't blame her. She handed me the phone again. I was surprised to see that it was still on the call and on speaker. I took it off speaker numbly. When I pressed the phone to my ear, I heard the gruff and familiar voice I'd longed to hear for so long.

"I don't like how she talked to you. You're not stupid, you're right." I deflated against the couch, closing my eyes and tilting my head back.

"I was a little insane. I'm sorry Ty. I'm sorry." My voice caught on the last word.

"No, don't apologize. You're not the one at fault here." He paused. "I'll explain everything if you give the chance. Anything you want to know. I don't hold anything back."

"It doesn't work like that Ty."

"I know...but—"

"I gave you that second chance already, but you threw that away and showed me you weren't ready for the commitment. I'd love to rekindle things, I really would. But how can I possibly live knowing you might leave again?" Tyler was silent for a long time.

"I can't ask that of you. All I can do is hope that one day, maybe you'll listen to what I have to say. Just...think about it?" I hung up the phone without responding. Then I turned to Em. She was scowling at me.

"Fuck you, Em." My harsh words were obviously shocking. She was taken aback.

"What?"

"Fuck you for putting me through that." Her face turned dark.

"Oh, don't put this one on me. You did it all by yourself. You and your whining 'I'm so helpless I need two guys to fight over me and uh oh one of them has trust issues. What do I do?'" She mimed a sad face. I stared at her in shock. "I would give anything to have someone care about me as much as Tyler cares for you! I don't care what he did, you can't let that slip away! He loves you...and you can't get it through your damn head that the best thing for both of you would be to forgive him and move on. He's right there and he's waiting, but he won't be yours forever. Don't be stupid, Halle." Emily was shouting at me. I was too tired to yell back. I slumped into the couch cushions and let my eyes close. A defeated sigh escaped my mouth. The sound of the apartment door slamming didn't stir me.

&&&

Focusing in class the next few days was hell. I couldn't remove thoughts of Tyler and running back into his arms from my head. The idea was tempting. Both his and Emily's words were fresh in my mind. He'll be waiting.

I desperately wanted to see him. I wanted to bury my head in his chest and apologize for all my stupid actions. Most of all, I just wanted to feel normal again. This constant state of fighting with myself was terrible. As much as I regretted to admit it, Emily was right. I didn't hate Tyler like I'd told myself for the past few months. I'd resented the fact that he didn't trust me, but that was it. I still felt the crushing need to be validated and treated with affection that I'd looked for in Kirby. That had been a direct effect of Tyler leaving me in my bedroom that dreadful day. I wasn't sure how I'd get over that one. Would I feel better in the arms of the one who'd done that to me? I wouldn't know unless it happened.

Emily and I hadn't talked since the phone call with Tyler and Kirby. Things had been silent on their front as well. I did text Tyler a simple greeting, but after he replied I was hesitant to respond again. I didn't want to seem annoying.

How had I let things turn into such a mess? I began to wish that I'd never gone to that game in Toronto all those months ago. Things would be so much better right now if I hadn't. I'd be focusing on school and work instead of feeling the pain of broken relationships. First Tyler, then Kirby, now Emily. I'd never experienced anything like this. How was I supposed to fix this? Did I apologize? Did I just leave things in the state they were now and wallow in self pity? I had no idea what to do.

I elected to call the one person who always knew what to do. And, really, the only person left in my life at the moment. Just like I'd turned to her for consolation the day Tyler had left, I turned to her now. It wasn't my initial plan to tell her the exact direction my life had taken, but I'd always talked to her about my problems through my childhood. She was smart. She'd know what to do.

I folded my legs on the couch, playing with the halfhearted Halloween decoration on the end table. Somehow I'd found the motivation to purchase the light-up pumpkin. Even though it wasn't October yet, I had decided I could enjoy the spooky holiday for awhile. My hand dropped from the bumpy orange surface. I searched through my contacts, finally selecting my mom's name and then the call button. The line rang three times before her familiar voice picked up.

"Hey, Halls. What's up? How are you?"

"I'm..." I almost said 'good.' That was a flat out lie. "I'm not so good. I want to talk to you about some stuff."

"Of course honey. What's going on?"

"Do you remember that guy I told you about? The one from the summer?"

"Yes. The one who walked out on you because you laid out a reasonable set of expectations, right?" Her voice had an edge to it. I half-smiled at the gesture.

"Yeah. Him. Well there's been a lot going on...with all that." I started to dive into the past few months, starting with right after Tyler had left. "Well, I was mad about Tyler, but Emily and Kirby...Kirby is Tyler's friend but he's also mine...they both helped me get over it more. I talked to them over the phone a bunch. Eventually, I talked to Kirby more than Emily. And...I thought I started to feel things for him. He came to visit me when I came back here. We...uh...we kissed." I blushed, thankful my mom couldn't see it. I wouldn't tell her the actual details of that day. That was one thing she didn't need to know. "And then I was stupid and Tyler found out Kirby came down. That didn't go well between them, because they're roommates. But last Sunday, Emily cornered me and made me talk to both of them and I think I messed things up even more. Emily won't talk to me, Kirby isn't answering my texts, and I still love Tyler." I let out a breath, feeling slightly better about letting everything out.

"Well that's...I had no idea all that was going on."

"I know, I know. I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

"It doesn't matter now. I'm just glad you did."

"What do I do Mom?" My voice was quieter. My mom let out a sigh.

"It sounds like you got into a bit of a mess. But you say you still care for Tyler? You don't feel the same thing for Kirby, right?"

"Yeah. I thought I did, but then I found out that Tyler didn't hate me and he missed me...all the feelings came right back. I'm pretty sure whatever was between Kirby and I was solely to replace Tyler. I feel bad leading him on like that, but he can't replace Ty. I just miss him so much. I want to talk to him, but I'm scared to. I don't want to do or say the wrong thing again." My mother was silent for awhile.

"I think the only thing you can do is talk to him. There's not much else that will repair what you two had beforehand."

"What do I say?"

"You apologize. You make sure he apologizes and is sincere. You tell him how his actions made you feel, and how he can improve his ways. You tell him how much you matter and that he can't toss you around like a rag doll. I can't encourage that this continues, but if you two can't stay away from each other...I guess there isn't much I can do. You're almost twenty, Halle. I trust your decisions. Just be safe, ok? I love you kiddo." Her words gave me a bit of clarity.

"Ok. Thanks Mom. I love you too. Bye."

After I'd ended the call, I opened my text messages.

Uh. I'm kinda busy for awhile...could fly you up here for next week? We have some home games and I'll be free for a day or two in between.

My heart was beating rapidly. I hadn't even given myself time to think about this. What if I was making another grievous mistake? I just hoped I would able to fulfill the points my mother had given me.

In an hour, Tyler had sent the newly purchased tickets for the following weekend. Like the first time I'd visited Chicago, I'd be taking Friday off from classes. While Tyler was getting ready for the game, I'd fly in and Adam would help get my stuff back to Tyler and Kirby's apartment. Not that Adam could do much. He'd hurt his shoulder in the season opener and had been out since. I felt bad for him, knowing the constraints of an injury like that.

I would attend the game at night, then Tyler and I would have time to talk most of Saturday. My plans would've been perfect under other circumstances. I couldn't help but imagine what things would be like if I hadn't been so thickheaded that day. What if I'd agreed to let Tyler tell me on his own time? Would I be planning a date night instead of a possible argument right now? Would I be happy and content with one of the NHL's best players? The possibilities were seemingly endless.

I knew I should be doing homework instead of wasting time being upset over what could've been. Something in me wouldn't let the daydreams slip from my grasp.

I could be the happiest version of myself right now. I could be sitting here across the room from my best friend just enjoying each other's company. I'd be sipping some hot chocolate and working on homework. My biggest worry would be my analysis paper that was due in two weeks. After I finished my work, I'd pick up my phone and text the man I loved. I'd ask him how his practice went. How his teammates were. What Coach said to him about the upcoming game.

At night, I'd settled into my fluffy bed and fall asleep with ease knowing that I had people all around who cared for me. I would know that, in the center of the city of Chicago, there was a certain hockey player who loved me and wanted to grow with me. And I would be happy.

And I would be happy.