Page 15

Numb was one way to describe the following week. After that, I stopped caring. It was time to focus on work, not some stupid boy who was too busy to realize what he was missing. He'd been the one to walk out of my life. He'd made his choice.

Of course, it still hurt. It hurt to know he chose secrets over me. It hurt to know I wasn't good enough for him to trust. And it hurt to think that maybe I'd been minuscule and unimportant the entire time. After all, weren't couples supposed to work through fears together? Not hide skeletons in the closet like the secrets would absolutely destroy his life. I was sad, then I was angry. But now I'd just accepted it.

Two weeks into summer camp and I was exhausted. I didn't remember the work being so tiring. My only escape was talking to Kirby and Emily. I was alone in the big house now, but via Group FaceTime, I was able to talk to my two friends over dinner every night. It was a nice false reality that made me feel less lonely. I hadn't told either of them what had really happened. They both knew Tyler and I had fallen out, but not over what. Kirby wouldn't see Tyler again until September, so it wasn't like he'd be talking to his teammate.

Sometimes, it was just Kirby and I talking. Emily was always off with Luke, or whoever her fling of the day was. If her non-committed ways bothered Kirby, he never showed it. Of course Emily hadn't stayed with him. She never did. I loved the girl to death, but it wouldn't kill her to try and settle down for a month. I was surprised Luke was even still around.

I settled into my daily routine after a few days of camp. I woke up early, went for a vigorous swim, showered, got dressed, and bundled off to camp for the next fifteen hours of my day. I wasn't an overnight counselor, which I was glad of. It gave me a little leeway to do what I wanted at home. That was, as long as I wasn't passed out by eight. Nights were less routine. I called Kirby or Emily when I could, then I'd do a number of rotating events. Sometimes Netflix, sometimes I'd take a nap, sometimes I'd read a book, sometimes I'd go for a walk. It was whatever I felt like doing. But I always called Kirby.

Maybe I held onto him because he was my last real connection to Tyler. Maybe he was a memory of what could've been. Whatever the reason, Kirby was the friend I hadn't known I'd needed. He made stupid jokes that always made me laugh. He told me funny stories about the team whenever I was down. He talked about his childhood and his family. Already a step up.

I knew him so much better than I ever knew Tyler. It made me realize that maybe Tyler and I hadn't meant to be together. That we had been rushing things. Stupid teens who thought they knew what they wanted. Oh how naive I was. Why didn't I see how closed off he was? Was it his looks, his charm, his skills? All of it had fooled me into thinking Tyler Dewalt was a good person. That he wasn't narcissistic and self-serving. Because whatever was up with the truth about his life, he didn't tell me to preserve his image. He didn't want me letting the cat out of the bag about whatever he was hiding. In the end I was nothing more than a pawn in his business moves.

For the most part, he stayed out of my head. I worried about the kids at camp and what the lunch menu was. I occupied my mind with bandaging scrapes and handing out sunscreen. There was still an underlying numbness to all my actions. If Emily were here, I knew she'd notice immediately. No one at camp did. They didn't know me in the same way.

Where the summer months went, I didn't know. One day it was July first; and the next it was August twenty first. I said my goodbyes to the kids I'd grown close with, taking some pictures and promising I'd see them the next year. And then I was cleaning the house, packing my bags, and leaving Kiawah. Seeing the shore in my rear view mirror was a different kind of heartbreak I'd never get over.

This school year, Emily and I had decided on an apartment. The two-bedroom space was off campus, in a section well populated by students. I was immediately fond of the cozy living area. If this was going to be my home for the next nine months, I couldn't object.

Like the year before, I was moved in well before school started. Emily wouldn't be home from Toronto for at least a week. Just like at the beach, I'd be flying solo for awhile. Except it was hard to fly solo when a hockey player showed up at your doorstep.

It was an early Friday morning when I opened the door to the apartment, dead set on going for a long jog. I was already outfitted in shorts and a loose tank top, my hair pulled back in a tight ponytail. One step out, and I was shocked by a familiar face. I immediately purred his name. It rolled off my tongue with ease, shocking both of us.

"Kirby." If I was surprised to see him, the feeling was replaced with jitters that I couldn't understand. He smiled, his dark eyes squinting merrily in my direction. I found myself in his arms. The embrace was a natural greeting, as if we'd done it a million times before.

"Come on in." Once he was seated on the couch, I fled to the kitchen. After rampaging through my fridge, I came back empty handed. "I don't have any food or anything right now, but we could go out in a bit if you want." Kirby shook his head.

"I didn't come here for food." His squinty-eyed smile was back, making my heart race.

"Then why'd you come?" I poked the joke at him halfheartedly, playing on the times he'd raged over food.

"To make sure you're ok. To make sure you've been taking care of yourself the way you said you were." He reached out impulsively, catching a strand of my ponytail on his pointer finger. "You lightened your hair. I like it." I blushed. I had, though I thought the change wasn't too obvious. My hair had been golden before, but now the lighter parts were pushing towards white. I liked the bleached look. It gave me a sense of security. I looked like every other beach bimbo now. Maybe I'd be more attractive if I looked like everyone else. At least the tan was real.

As Kirby dropped his hand from my hair, I held up a finger.

"Oh you'll love this. I got a tattoo." His confusion was obvious. "I didn't tell you over the phone, but here it is." I pushed my shorts down slightly on my left hip, exposing my hip bone and the minuscule single-line wave emblazoned there. Kirby smiled at the tiny mark.

"I like it. It's very you." I laughed at his response.

"Thanks. I thought so too. So how's Saskatchewan been?"

"Uh, I've actually been in Chicago for the past few weeks. I got a new apartment with..." his hesitation was obvious. My smile was forced now. "With him. Adam moved in with Alex." I nodded, still faking my careless demeanor.

"That's cool. How is...Adam?" We both knew I wasn't asking about the defenseman. I was glad when Kirby played along.

"He's been good. He works out all day, every day. It's kind of crazy, but I guess it keeps him busy." I didn't need to ask why Tyler needed distractions. I knew the answer. Kirby shrugged away the topic. "There's another reason I came down here. And it's not related to him, or Emily. This is between us. And I don't want to ruin things, but you say the word and I'll step right down and we can still be friends." I was confused.

"What do you mean?" Kirby stood up from the couch, moving closer to me. I knew what was coming. I could see it from a mile away. I should have turned and declined it. I shouldn't have accepted it the way I did.

"I came here to do this." One of Kirby's hands found my cheek, cradling my face gently. His other hand hovered over my waist hesitant to fully touch me. Our faces moved closer, breaths mingling sweetly.

His kiss was soft and gentle. It was sweet and caring. But as soon as I responded positively, it gained intensity. It had a bite of pure insanity, the kiss of someone who was so desperate for the touch. It was the kiss of someone who had been craving that very moment from that one particular person for a very, very long time. And they had been denied it for too long. I let out a gasp as Kirby's mouth traveled to my earlobe, then my neck. I was weak under his touch, unable to think straight. I couldn't think of anything but him.

That was why I was so disappointed when his phone rang shrilly. Against my neck, Kirby cursed.

"Fuck." He fished his cell from his pocket. I saw how his face darkened when he looked at who was calling. When he answered, he said the name so I knew exactly who it was. "What, Ty?"

I was surprised I wasn't more upset. I was actually more annoyed that anyone had dared to interrupt how good Kirby had been making me feel. I just wanted to get back to feeling his lips and hands running across my skin.

"No, I can't." Kirby rubbed his face in annoyance. "Because I'm not in Chicago right now, remember?" Tyler's next words made him pause. His eyes flicked to me cautiously. "I'm in North Carolina." I tapped my foot impatiently, waiting for my phone call to end. "Come on, if you have to ask, then you know. She's fine, by the way. Doesn't miss you a bit." When he hung up, I was slightly annoyed.

"Did you have to throw in the part about me?"

"Would he have shut up any other way?" I shrugged. Kirby was right. My mind shoved thoughts of Tyler away and immediately jumped to what had been happening before the call. Kirby must have been on the same track.

His lips found mine again, mumbling against me almost incoherently. I could still faintly make out what he was saying.

"I've been waiting months for this." I shivered as his fingers pulled at my tank top. I obliged, letting him pull the thin fabric over my head. I had no idea why I was going along with this, but something about the way Kirby's attention was so strong and passionate made me feel wanted. I needed to know that someone was able to love me in the way I wanted. And I wanted that someone to be Kirby, right here and right now.

As if he'd read my mind, Kirby's hands pulled my legs up. I jumped slightly, wrapping myself around his torso. Strong arms held me up, so that I was gazing down into his eyes. Kirby mumbled against my lips again.

"Bedroom?"

"Down the hall on the right." I wasn't sure if my words were intelligible. Either way, we found ourselves in my room. Kirby placed me on the bed, positioning himself so that one arm was supporting him in a push up position and the other hand was fumbling with my bra. I returned the favor by pulling the hem of his T-shirt up and over his head. Kirby's dark eyes met mine when he was freed of the material. There was so much passion and emotion in them. It was all for me. That was all I ever needed. Someone who acknowledged me. I sighed against him.

&&&

When I woke up, it wasn't morning anymore. The golden rays of evening light filtered into my room. Rolling over, I found that Kirby wasn't there. Confused, I got out of bed and went looking for him.

He was in the kitchen, stove sizzling violently. He mumbled something when I came in.

"I went to the store. I made some grilled cheese. I kinda suck at everything else." I smiled at his sheepish confession.

"It's perfect." He gave me a grateful sideways smile. I let him continue on the skillet, looking for my phone. When I turned the screen on, I had at least ten missed calls. They were all from Tyler.

I let out a sigh, ignoring them. Instead, I opened my Snapchat. I took a picture of Kirby's back, spatula visible. The table partially hid how he was only wearing boxers, but not by much. I added a funny emoji that was clutching her heart and saying "aw," then sent the picture off to my story. I was perfectly aware that Tyler would see it. And I knew how he'd react, based on the previous calls. I couldn't imagine what kind of voicemails he'd left.

Almost as soon as I'd posted the picture, my phone began to ring loudly. Kirby half-turned, giving me a questioning look. My strangled face must've answered him. He left the spatula on the counter and walked to where I was standing. He answered the phone, putting it on speaker.

"What, Tyler?"

"Where's Halle?" His voice was so foreign. It was thick with emotion. Either that or he had a cold. Something told me it wasn't sickness.

"She's right here."

"Can I talk to her, in private?" I sucked in a breath. Kirby tilted his head, motioning for me to take the phone. I did, removing the speaker feature. With the device pressed to my ear, I walked down the hall.

"I'm here." My voice was small. I didn't know what he was going to say.

"Please tell me you're not with him." His voice had changed drastically. It was low and vulnerable. It tugged at my heart.

"What...he's here right now, if that's what you mean."

"No. I mean with him. Please tell me you two are just friends and he's not there for other reasons."

"Why do you care?" Tyler sucked in a breath.

"Because it's going to be very hard to deal with my roommate taking the girl I love away from me completely." I let out a pent up sigh.

"Because you still care? Do you really? I think you caring would look a lot different than this. I'm sorry if it hurts you, but it's not like I'm going to spend the rest of my life pining after you. I have to move on."

"I was terrible. I know I don't deserve you ever again. I know it's right for you to hate me and never want to see me again. I know you should move on, find someone awesome, and live the best life. But did it have to be Kirby?" My heart convulsed at the pain in his words. I didn't know what to say.

"I'm sorry Tyler. I can't choose who I fall for." Bad choice of words. I flinched at them, knowing they weren't the complete truth.

"Ok. I hope you're happy with him. I really do. You'll never know how much I miss you, and how much I will always care for you."

"Goodbye, Ty." My words were barely more than a whisper. I hit the big red button that ended the call. It took a moment before I composed myself. When I went back out to the kitchen, Kirby gave me a searching look.

"What did he want?" He was carefully treading around the real question. I shrugged.

"Some crap about how he's still a dick and that he's disappointed I chose you." I dismissively waved my waved hand. Kirby came over to me, resting his hands on my waist and pulling me over.

"Did you choose me? I'd say it was the other way around." His eyes flashed dangerously. I giggled.

"Mmm, you're too irresistible. Couldn't have said no even if I wanted to." I gave him a light peck on the cheek before pulling away. "Come on, chef boy. I'm hungry."

&&&

And just like that, Kirby was a crucial part of my life. He stayed with me for two days before returning to Chicago. It was two days filled with exploring and a lot of new tension. It was different from anything with Tyler. Kirby and I flowed like an old couple. We didn't need to talk or even touch to understand each other. It lacked the raw passion that had existed between Tyler and I, but I still enjoyed how he made me feel.

He didn't like touch the same way Tyler did. He slept apart from me in my bed. He didn't like when I traced patterns on his skin, or trailed kisses down his back. If we weren't involved in other activities, then he was a pretty hands off person. I got used to it after the first day, despite my initial misgivings.

When he went back to Chicago, I wasn't exactly overly disappointed. I didn't know what to think about the things that had happened. I didn't have much time to dwell on it. I reapplied for my campus job organizing things for professors, and classes were starting soon. Kirby went into camp for the team, preparing for the upcoming season.

I tried to ignore the reports about the team that talked about new tension between the captain and the second line center. There was even one on-video argument that obviously would have escalated into a fight if Pat hadn't gotten between them. I knew that by being with Kirby, albeit unofficially, had hurt Tyler more than he'd admitted. His friendship with Kirby wouldn't be the same again while I was in the picture. I knew it was a bad thing for me to do, but I was too selfish to let myself lose Kirby.

Did that make me a bad person? Wanting to hold onto the one person that could make me feel? The only person who treated me like I was worth something and not some object. I craved the feelings that Kirby brought and the way we seamlessly understood each other. I couldn't just force myself to go through losing that again.