Page 139 of When I Picture You

“Do you have anything in mind for the music video?” Eli asked her now.

“Only that I don’t want to play one of the love interests,” Lola said. She’d done that in most of her videos—acting as herself falling in and out of love, with actors cast as her exes. She had never minded it before. But pretending to be in love with anyone who wasn’t Renee, especially for “Starcrossed,” was beyond her.

Lola missed a million things about Renee. Anything could set it off—having cold toes that she wanted to worm under Renee’s leg on the couch, expecting to share a knowing glance with her across the room and finding no one there. Lola missed being dragged from her work when she hadn’t realized it was already the middle of the night. She missed Renee’s fingers slipping into her, the way she had only ever looked starstruck when Lola had just made her come.

“Great, that makes things simpler,” Eli said.

Lola’s eyes narrowed. She’d disclosed her sexuality and the story behind this album in the final stage of their NDA-clad interview process. Eli was gay himself and had managed the coming out of a few other clients. He’d assured her that he would support whatever she wanted. But he still had to earn her trust. “What do you mean?”

“Well, assuming you’d want a female love interest, we’d need to move more quickly on a coming-out announcement, so we beat the music video release. To be clear, I am more than happy to do that, but I don’t want you to feel pressured to take things too fast, simply because of the music video timeline.

“Unless thatiswhat you want,” Eli added. “If it is, say the word. Like I told you, this decision is fully yours, and I respect whatever you want to do.”

Lola’s heart was beating in her ears. She could tell that if she wanted to go public that same afternoon, Eli would leap into action, no questions asked. That was supposed to feel good.

But it didn’t. Her pulse was racing and her breathing was getting shallow.

She’d imagined that firing Gloriana would magically simplify everything, like her homophobic manager was the only thing standing between herself and freedom. But in the last few weeks, without Gloriana’s interference, she’d found herself freezing up whenever she thought about coming out. The reality was, the obstacles that Gloriana had given a voice to were still there: the label’s reaction, the risk of rejection by her fan base, the pressure from the media, the effect on her business. Eli assured her that they’d worry about all that after the fact, that the most important thing was what Lola wanted. He didn’t understand that what Lola wanted was to find the perfect moment, when all those problems would be minimized.

Lola missed Renee in moments like these most of all—when her emotions were messy and conflicting, and she wasn’t sure how to navigate them. The irony wasn’t lost on Lola that this was exactly what had driven Renee away.

Alone the night she’d fired Gloriana, she’d been elated, proud of herself, a little terrified, tremendously sad, and guilty. She had celebratory calls with Claudia and Tatiana, but she hadn’t explained everything she was feeling. It wasn’t that they wouldn’t understand. It was that the person she wanted to share it with was Renee. Renee would have rubbed her back while she cried over firing the woman who had screwed her over. Renee would have reminded her tobreathe. Renee would have flashed that crooked smile and told her she was proud of her.

Lola had almost called her then. She’d even pulled up Renee’s number on her phone. But she didn’t. Her realization had come too late. Now, she was on her own.

“No, you’re right,” Lola said. “I don’t want to rush anything just to make the music video work.”

“Great,” Eli said, pulling up a slide deck on his laptop. “I have a concept sketched out here. You’re a celestial goddess of love—very pretty and romantic, and you’re in this beautiful temple looking at these star-crossed lovers down on earth. We’ll do mainly queer couples, to emphasize that aspect of the song without bringing the focus on you personally.”

Lola stared at the rendering of herself in a Grecian temple on the moon with a growing knot in her chest. It was dreamy and would make a lovely video. She couldn’t help but think that if Renee was here—if Lola hadn’t done what she did—she wouldn’t be left watching other people’s love stories from afar; she’d be living her own.

“I don’t know,” Lola sighed. “I need to think about it.”

“Sure, it’s up to you.”

Just like everything else.

Is this new Lola song queer-coded or just queer?

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