Page 125 of When I Picture You

“I still think he’s a dick,” Renee choked out.

“That’s fair,” Deborah said as she rubbed Renee’s back in soothing circles. “I’ll tell him that you’d like it if he called.”

RENEE ASKEDKADIJAHto drinks right before Christmas.

“I want to apologize to you,” she said.

Over their teal eye shadow, Kadijah’s eyebrows arched deeply. “Do you now?”

“I know you’re mad at me for ignoring you when I was in L.A. I wasn’t trying to do that. Things got really complicated, and I was so busy filming, and there were the NDAs and Lola’s privacy—”

Kadijah stopped Renee with a hand. “I was told this would be anapology.All I’m hearing is rationalization.”

The impulse to argue woke like a beast in Renee’s brain, but she forced herself to ignore it. “You’re right. Can I start again?”

Kadijah, still dubious, nodded.

“I was ignoring you. It wasn’t an accident. Things were complicated and hectic, and that stuff about the NDAs and privacy is true, but those are excuses. A lot was happening that I didn’t know how to talk about. But instead of trying, I avoided it. That was wrong.”

Kadijah fiddled with the garnish of their cocktail. “And stupid too, because I give really good advice.”

Renee laughed, but a lump had formed in her throat. “You do. I’m kind of realizing that I tend to run away when things getuncomfortable. I’m sorry, Kadijah. You’re one of my favorite people, and I hate that I hurt you.”

“You did hurt me,” Kadijah said. “You know I went through stuff too after you left? Zane caused all this drama in the polycule. He tried to bring in this girl who didn’t want to get STD tested.”

Renee mimed a gag. “Who has a problem with getting tested?”

“People who probably have STDs! But I had no one to bitch to about it, because you’re the only one I can bitch to about the polycule, because you’re not in it!”

“Do you want to bitch to me now?”

Kadijah waved this off. “We vetoed her polycule membership, but Zane sulked for weeks. And you know, being a manager at Prince’s is actually really hard. I had to fire the guy I hired to replace you, and I felt terrible. And everyone complained about the shifts I gave them.”

“I’m so sorry. I should have been there for you.”

Kadijah let out a heavy breath. “Actually, I hate managing so much that it made me realize I can’t spend my life slinging coffee. I’ve been talking to your mom about getting into teaching. She got me started doing some substitute jobs and I’m applying to programs.”

“That’s amazing—you’d be a great teacher. I can’t believe I got so wrapped up in my own drama that I missed all that. The only thing I can do is promise to do better in the future.”

“I appreciate that,” Kadijah said.

“Are we good?” Renee asked, hopeful.

“We’re good.”

They hugged. Renee squeezed Kadijah hard, thankful to have them in her life—and that she’d put in the effort to keep them there.

As they settled back into their seats, Kadijah said, “Look, the apology’s great and all, but you better be planning to spill the tea about Lola. I know something was going on with you two.”

“Yeah, you and the whole fucking internet,” Renee grumbled. “I’lltell you, but honest to god, you can’t tell anyone. I wasn’t kidding about the NDAs.”

“I’ll take your secrets to the grave,” Kadijah said, with a hand laid honorably on their chest.

Renee took a fortifying swallow of bourbon, then glanced around the bar, like she’d seen Lola do so many times. “Lola and I, um, fell in love.”

“Youwhat?” Kadijah sputtered. “But then why are you—and she’s in—”

“Everything got ruined.” Renee was already blinking back tears.